Maintaining Your Individuality In A Relationship
[ 9 August 2007 ]
“I need some advice on a subject that I think a lot of other girls would love your opinion on as well. I’ve been living with my boyfriend for about a year (!) and have started to question whether spending so much time together is holding me back/stifling my creativity/making me a boring old maid. Although you live with your boyfriend, you still always manage to uphold a strong sense of identity, pride, and drive in yourself which is something that is important for all people, committed or not. So my question is: how do you manage to stay driven to be the individual you are while still maintaining an intimate relationship(s)?”
I think it’s not just about sustaining creativity, but primarily about maintaining your individual persona & life. I suspect that if you can do the latter, the former will come relatively easily.
I think it is very easy, when living with someone else, to lose your sense of self. I’m not exactly sure why this is. Maybe it has to do with a fear that if you’re too independent, they won’t love you as much. Maybe it’s due to a lack of self-esteem & confusion about who you really are. Maybe it just seems easier to be who your lover wants you to be than to have to face your own questions & unstable image. Regardless, it seems to happen to a lot of people. Couples start living together, or get married, & suddenly they are a unit — “We don’t like white furniture, we don’t like going out, we prefer our secret life together”. Codependence is something everyone should read up on.
While hibernating with your lover in winter can be marvellous (I feel like I should be wearing a button which says, “Ask me about the winter my boyfriend & I spent in bed watching every episode of SATC!”), there comes a point where being too reclusive is damaging. Your friends disappear, your social skills disintegrate & it’s actually scary how easy it is to become slightly afraid of the outside world. & so, we must make the effort to leave the house, to do things — alone. If your boyfriend goes out with “the boys”, do something for yourself. Go to the library, take a yoga class, see something trashy at the movies with your best friend & laugh yourselves stupid. Organise outings for yourself — go & see a fashion show or take a creative writing course — something which makes you happy.
I suspect that living together flicks a switch in some people’s brains, like, “Phew, now I don’t have to organise my own life anymore, I can just clip mine to the side of my girlfriend’s!”. It really shouldn’t be like that. Of course, living with someone you adore can be amazing, but really the only way to maintain any sanity (or your own personality) is to live seperate lives under the one roof. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s actually GOOD for you not to spend every waking hour together.
I live with my boyfriend, yes. But we don’t live in one another’s pockets. We both work from home but we have seperate offices, & so most of the day we’re busy. We’ll go out & have lunch or go for a walk, & of course the other person is there to talk to if ever we need it. But we both have things to do! So the time we spend together is great, rather than just sitting next to someone on a couch watching television every night. Do you know what I mean? We have news to tell the other person, we’ve had enough distance that we actually WANT to talk to one another, rather than doing all of these things out of obligation.
My suggestion is to work on your self-esteem constantly, unrelentingly. Realise the value of your own life. When you come to a point where you feel that your creative output is really important, your life will start to change accordingly. It might be that you have to clear yourself a space amongst all the gaming consoles where you can do some work (whether that is writing, painting or making music). It might be that you pay your friend for use of her spare room so you can go there & be creative without interruption. Or you might feel that you really do need to live by yourself in order to get anything done.
Ultimately, you are only responsible for your own happiness. If you don’t make yourself happy, who will? Think about that, & take charge! You won’t regret it — being in control of your own life is one of the greatest things in the world.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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Thank you! Great piece on individuality (even existentialism), especially for those in serious relationships. I totally agree with your philosophy. Being new and original in all circumstances is something I strive for, since I feel that a redundant social behavior, be it individual or within a group, leads to a sapped meaning towards the beautiful things in life. Long story short: riding on someone’s coattails is just too easy and no fun. You gotta work for it.
Ya kno?
i like to go on little adventures alone. ill go to the mall, the gardens, even just for a drive, to make sure i have some alone time.
i also have my own interests and hobbies that he has nothing to do with. ill proudly show of my design work and photos to him. but i dont need him there holding my hand while im doing it.
This is just what I needed.
The Wikipedia article on codependence described the type of behaviour that I’m falling into in my relationship.
Scary.
Dani — I do!
sarah — That’s excellent. Does your boyfriend cope okay with that? I know there are some people who are threatened by that sort of behaviour.
Caitlin Marie — I’m glad :>
ella — Yeah, it’s definitely scary! But the good thing is, now you know. Plus, it happens to almost everybody at some point, so don’t feel bad about it. Just correct it!
that’s such a great answer, i loved this post.
he copes fine, i like coming home and telling him the crazy things ive been doing, and he thanks god he wasnt there to be a witness to my madness :)
we do lots together as well, and i think he enjoys the time apart also.
Thanks so much for posting this! I’ve been struggling with this a bit myself…I’ve been improving a bit though. Still, I think I’m gonna print this out for my moleskine :D So thanks again~
“Ultimately, you are only responsible for your own happiness. If you don’t make yourself happy, who will?”
Exactly. I mean, obviously it’s important to have a partner who helps contribute to your happiness, but being entirely dependent on one person for everything… brr. Seems sort of lazy to me.
So, yeah, fantastic article. I am becoming quite the fan of your website, m’lady. The perfect combination of fashion, fun and some actual empowering, important messages – it makes a perfect, relaxing way for me to end my evening.
Thank you so much for this post. In the beginning of my relationship I had exhibited many of the “control” aspects of co-dependency, and now the bf unit and I have almost no social life.
I am seriously considering joining Co-Dependants Anonymous (though I’m a little put off by all the “GOD” references), because I think that just admitting to my issues is a big thing.
We go out and do a lot of family oriented stuff (gatherings with both sides), but I just feel like I have stifled such a social person…because I have issues the brought into the relationship.
I swear, it’s like you’re reading my mind when you decide on topics!
Thanks again for everything!
muah
amber
My boyfriend and I mantain very separate lives: we have different groups of friends, we go out with them and don’t bring the other along, we have different interests, different taste in music, different ways of passing the time. That being said, we both make an effort to be interested in the other one’s life- he attempts to read books I loan him, and I try to indulge some of his worst habits from time to time. Lately however, it has felt like we are becoming one of ‘those’ couples- the ones everyone else hates because they are more a unit than two people. I feel that this push is coming mostly from him, but he’s in a rough place and I know things will get better.
My ways of keeping a distance include: – going a couple days without seeing each other but still talking
This helps keep you from the horrors of tepid, robotic sex.
-writing letters instead of emails
A return to romance! I encourage you to try it, everyone loves getting mail.
-going to a party with friends and not telling him about it until after the fact.
This way, we have something new to talk about when we do see each other, and we’re not just sitting in silence all the time. If you spend all your time with one person, you’re not going to have anything interesting to talk about with them, that’s just a fact.
-surprise each other when you are apart
In passing, I mentioned to boyfriend that I thought I’d like to go to Berlin, but I wasn’t sure what was even there. This was Saturday. I’d completely forgotten about it until he sent me a link today listing the top ten things about Berlin. If you do stuff like this, everyone knows you’re on their mind, but you’re actually apart.
-have arbitrary disagreements but don’t take them seriously
What’s your favorite empire? Mine’s Rome, his is Greece. Favorite berry? Strawberries v. blueberries. By talking about the tiny differences, you establish yourself within the relationship as a more separate entity and everyone knows that you’re not bound to agree all the time. This might also lay the groundwork for easier ‘real’ arguments later- if you agree on all the small stuff aloud, even if you don’t internally, your significant other may be extremely surprised when you say that no, you really don’t think it’s time for you two to have a kid, thankyouverymuch.
-separate bedrooms
I know, there’s a taboo. My boyfriend and I don’t live together, but if we ever do, I want separate bedrooms. The NY Times did a piece on this last year, about multiple master bedrooms and it seems brilliant to me (and my privacy issues). It has nothing to do with sex, or the closeness of your relationship. It’s about allowing yourself to be a person outside your couplehood. My privacy issues aside, boyfriend and me have other problems that make me want this. He goes to bed at 8:30. I don’t go to bed. As I write this, I’ve been up for 72 hours. There is no way in hell that by sharing a bedroom, any good can find a way into what we’ve got. So we won’t! And I think it’ll be hotter, more like trespassing on forbidden ground when we get to say “Who’s bedroom tonight?” And you can always stay the night. (LINK: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/11/us/11separate.html?ex=1186804800&en=a0a1f89749721363&ei=5070)
Those are my thoughts on the matter.
Stay cool,
Sarah Decay
A wonderful post my dear. This is true about a lot of relationships, living together and marriage. Luckily my mister and I have very different interests but our issue is combining our separate interests, we’re so different that it’s hard for us to find things to do together we both enjoy, but more often than not, one of us will join the other person for some activity, or we will try and stumble on new interests together. I’m really digging the separate bedroom idea, only because our bed is too small and he is a major bed hog and a loud sleeper lol, and we always go to bed at different times, me later than him and I feel bad for disturbing him in the night, but perhaps that issue would solved once we upgraded from a full size bed to a king! Haha, but yes, like I said, love this post! Great insight and advice :D
Megan — That’s a good list of things! Once you start doing those sorts of things on a regular basis, you wonder how you ever coped without, haha!
Pawleen — No problem honey! Glad to help. Really it’s all about developing as a person, & continuing to stretch your boundaries etc., relationship or not!
Jessie Ngaio — Thank you! I do my best ;>
amber — I think there are probably groups you can get involved in which aren’t God oriented… or you could try going to individual therapy, which might be a better route. Especially if you feel you have issues which need to be sorted out. Or could you try EFT! I agree that admitting to your problem is a big thing, so good for you! Now all you have to do is let go of your history… it’s not as hard as it sounds. Good luck!
Sarah Decay — WOW, thank you for this comment! It’s fantastic! Good to know that you guys aren’t try to merge into one body, haha. I love your tips, they’re absolutely brilliant. & hey, for 72 hours of consciousness you’ve very lucid, I’m so impressed! Are you an insomniac?
Mae Jane — A bigger bed would probably help you guys! I’m a total bed hog too, I always take up more than “half”. Haha. I can’t help it! I grew up sleeping in a double bed so I’m used to having lots of space! I hope things are going well for you guys, I think about you often :>
thank you gala!!!
i just returned from a vacation with my family today and realized how important time apart from my boyfriend really is. i’m going to try and get on a new routine which involves a lot more (active) alone time; i had a talk with him this morning about it and he is looking forward to the additional time he’ll get to work on music stuff as well.
i also converted half the kitchen into a workspace for me (with a colorful collage that i made that i think you would uberlike, so i’m going to send a picture), so hopefully i’ll start migrating over to my new space and working on the things i love.