Modern Manners
[ 12 April 2007 ]
I love everything that’s old – old friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wine.
— Oliver Goldsmith
A call for a return to manners, civility & poise!
I believe that the days of being petulant & stroppy must end! I am bored by girls who chew gum with their mouth open, frustrated by those who drag their feet while they walk, disappointed by boys who eat with their elbows on the table. I am turned off by lazy speaking, whether that means inelegant elocution or a vocabulary littered with cuss-words (of which I myself am guilty). It exasperates me that the international uniform for girls my age appears to be tracksuit pants & flip-flops. Nobody treasures their possessions anymore. People go out in scuffed shoes with a handbag full of rubbish. Nothing is deliberate or special. The world is full of slouching & belching, drunkenness & lechery, constant cellphone prattling & arguments in public.
It is hardly surprising when the role models for young girls these days leave the house with their c-section scars hanging out! The whole thing is crass & disgusting.
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.
— Fred Astaire
End the madness!
If you don’t know where to begin, here is my decorum diktat — short & sweet. The basic idea is that you think about how you are presenting yourself! Be polite & friendly — smile at people! Learn to take a compliment. Never air your personal grievances in public (it is so uncouth). Look after your appearance. Do your best to pronounce words clearly. Stand up straight, as if you’re proud of yourself (if you’re not, fake it until you make it). Do what you say you will — honour your commitments. Finally, & perhaps most importantly, try not to be that person who gets hideously trashed & makes a fool of themselves every weekend. You will never respect yourself, & neither will anyone else.
A man’s manners are a mirror in which he shows his portrait.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Extra For Experts:
A “modern manners” test from the BBC — how do you score?
Thoroughly modern manners — a nice overview of manners today!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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Things like holding doors (whatever your gender) and giving way when the stairwell/corridor ain’t big enough for the both of you go a long way to making life more pleasant.
I took the BBC ‘Modern’ Manners test, and scored quite well, but I thoroughly disagree with a number of their answers and explanations.
For example:
1) “You are on the Atkins diet, but are invited round to a friend’s house for dinner. Can you accept without giving up your diet?
The answer is yes. Debrett’s Guide to Etiquette and Modern Manners says at one time it was always considered rude to refuse food, unless you had an allergy. But now, it says, in the time of bizarre diets and food intolerance, hosts have “learned to be sanguine about guests’ nutrional requirements and will try to be accommodating”. But it adds that guests must alert the host well in advance if a diet cannot be broken even for one evening.”
I’ve always been taught that it’s the height of rudeness to be invited somewhere for dinner and then turn your nose up at what your host offers. Any good host will ask you if there’s anything you can’t eat, in advance, but it’s still unreasonable for you to expect your host to go out of their way to cook you an Atkin’s meal. Bleh.
2) You invite some guests round for dinner and they light cigarettes inside. You hate the smell of smoke in the house. Is it all right to ask that if guests want to smoke, they do so outside?
The answer was No, “Definitely not, again according to Debrett’s. If you really hate smoke, you shouldn’t invite smokers to your house, it says. “It is not appropriate to forbid a guest to smoke in your house once he or she is there. It is also churlish to say things like: ‘I’ll go and find you something to use as an ashtray.’” It is all right to open a window, so long as it is done discretely.
These days any smoker should realise that they should only smoke outside. It should not be bad manners for the host to remind their guests to smoke outside if their guests are so uncouth they don’t realise they should.
I’m not sure smoking in bars is forbidden in the UK, so perhaps they have a more relaxed attitude to cigarette smoking than New Zealand.
Ritalin — I think a lot of the “modern manners” stuff needs to be updated. There is a difference between having manners & being uptight. I agree with the BBC’s first point though — most hosts are accomodating of their guests eating habits these days. You can’t expect a vegan to eat meat, for example. In the “olden days”, if you didn’t eat this or that, you were just picky — these days, people’s diets are a strong part of their identity & a lot of people have serious health reasons for not eating x or y.
I’m on the fence re: smoking inside, though if I had a guest who lit up inside when no one else had demonstrated that smoking was okay, I would be horrified.
8/10, but I was definately suprised re: the smoking inside is definately not cool, thats just obvious isnt it?
in regards to the smoking inside, most of our friends are smokers (we are not) and they always smoke outside, unless it is at their places. Which I find totally fine. We will often go round to visit and end up smelling like cigarettes but its their place and their decision to smoke inside, so if we don’t like it – I would expect us to go outside haha. I don’t think it is rude at all to remind a smoker that we would prefer it if they could smoke outside if at our house.
I so need to learn how to take a compliment! I mean I always say thank you but I get this weird high pitch tone and get really awkward and don’t know what to say.
Re: Manners, I have this odd little system in my head of who should get out of the lift first . Men should let me go first, but I should let women older than me go first… I’m odd.
Ah, one thing I hate about texting is that it makes it so easy for people to ‘bail’ on an agreed meeting/date etc. without the need to face the disappointment of the stood-up party.. (but, shame on me, I do it to people too!)
My grandmother used to say she wasn’t putting on make-up for herself but for all the people who had to look at her during the day.. to make it nicer for them. My boyfriend can’t understand that I CAN’T leave the house without at least foundation & mascara ;)
Hee hee I know how to do bold
I reeeeally don’t agree with some of the answers on the bbc quiz. For one thing, where I live the air kiss is two smootches. And I’m not gonna make guys sit squash legged, that’s just mean.
Also, smoking is not considered polite. Funny the difference between Canada an England, no?
But manners are great. :D
Chalk me up as another one who’s surprised that it’s supposedly inappropriate to ask someone to smoke outside. As far as I’m concerned, lighting up without asking if anybody minds is seriously rude! My childhood best friend is a big time smoker these days (I think smoking’s pretty gross), and even if we’re walking outside or driving in HER car she’ll ask first if I mind if she has a smoke. I wish all smokers were so polite about it. :)
I agree that most hosts will accommodate their guests eating habits – most polite hosts will ask you if there’s anything you don’t eat well in advance of the occasion – that’s well mannered!
I think I must have misinterpreted the question. I think it’s good manners to advise your host of nutritional requirements in advance, but not good manners to show up and refuse to eat the meal they’ve spent time and effort preparing if you haven’t told them what you will and won’t eat.
Ha! Look past the alleged rudeness of asking smokers to smoke outside – how about the suggestion that we not invite smokers over at all?! So, er, should we not be friends with people who smoke or engage in anything we don’t like or participate in for fear they may do it in our home when over for dinner? Bah!
I can’t stand when people obnoxiously chew or suck any sort of food, gum, or hard candy! It bothers me so much. I just find it to be so gross!
I am guilty of having a sailor-mouth, though, as my boyfriend says. =(
Totally loved and agreed with this post. So much so that I had to link to it. I have noticed so many things that make me sad on this subject, so it’s nice to know that it’s not just in my part of the world, and that I am not the only person taking notice. Maybe there is hope yet.
i agreed with the whole thing! and the thing i hate the most is when people think it is okay to do important things via email, text, or instant message. the WORST feeling is being dumped via aol. (believe me, i know personally.)
i got an 8/10 by the by. i don’t think it’s rude to have people go outside to smoke, but usually i burn incense so you couldn’t even tell they lit up anyways.
10 out of 10 BABY
I’m going to get you a porch, and a cane.
Then you can sit on the first, while waving the second at the neighbourhood kids, and telling them to get off your damned lawn.
I’ll be right next door, doing the same thing.
Oooh! I’m so glad other people agree with me!! I don’t know if it’s my up bringing or what but bad manners are possibly my only real pet hate. The problem is most people my age know nothing about manners!
About the BBC quiz that said it was bad manners to ask guests to smoke outside though… that’s just plain ridiculous! I would never let someone smoke in my house. Infact I would consider it terriblly bad mannered to light up in someones house without asking them first if it’s okay.
I’m very opinionated about smoking though. Other people smoking affects my athsma and I refuse to be around people smoking as I don’t see why I should have to put up with not being able to breath properly for their dirty habbit. Then there’s the whole passive smoking argument too.
I don’t know any smokers well enough to be in their homes so I don’t have any prblems there. The only time I put up with it is when a friend from my work sometimes gives me a lift home and he smokes in his car. It’s funny because he’s a nice guy and I know he’d probably be pretty embaressed if he knew it was affecting my athsma but it’s his car – he can smoke if he likes in his own car! Also when he’s already going out his way giving me a lift there’s no way I’d mention it!
Ami xo