My Best Friend Is In Love & Ignores Me!
[ 23 August 2007 ]
“One of my best friends got a boyfriend a couple of months ago and as soon as it started she started spending all her time with him and hardly any with me and our friends. Anyway, I thought, oh, I guess that’s what happens and that it will stop and she’ll hang with us again, but it hasn’t, and it’s really upsetting. Her boyfriend is on holiday and is coming back tomorrow and I said “Oh, we should hang out” but she said “But Aaron is coming home tomorrow” and I was stunned. She has hung out with him for the past months everyday and I’m one of her best friends and she has placed him above me. I’m seriously upset. I’ve been crying for the last hour because I don’t know what to do. I said the whole “friends are forever” thing but it didn’t work, I just have no idea what to do.”
I’m sorry that has happened to you! It’s a pretty awful situation. I have been in it a few times myself, from both sides of the argument. I have had friends with boyfriends who seem to disappear into a hazy den of love & sin for months on end, & I have been one of the girls who took pause from the rest of the world to concentrate on my beloved. This, I believe, makes me extra-qualified to talk to you about your problem!
Here are some facts about your best friend.
She is being rather selfish;
She is not being a good friend to you;
She is either deeply in love or deeply in lust;
When they break up, or the novelty wears off, she will feel really bad & lonely & guilty.
Right now, she is so deeply embroiled in what they have (long make-out sessions, cutesy nicknames, intimacy that rocks their world & a general feeling of bliss) that she really can’t think about anything else. She might try, but the thoughts will only flit through her mind like a refugee butterfly, & then she will go back to the far more exciting business of counting the freckles around his navel — or whatever. Consider her lost to the lunacy of love; set adrift in a sea of swoon.
Romantic love is big business, after all. Why do you think there are so many love songs?
There is no sense in trying to capture her attention — you won’t. Cut your losses & move on. Make new friends or just seek solace in your other ones. She’ll come back to you when she’s ready. When this happens, try to forgive her & don’t be too angry… since you will probably be in her position one day!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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I too have been both guilty of this and a victim of it (It works out better when you both get boyfriends at around the same time).
Your advice is spot on Gala – you just have to get on with it. take it as an oppurtunity to get to really know your other friends or to make new friends that are completely different from your in love friend.
I’ve never really been guilty or the victim. Thankfully.
(Slightly off topic…)
But when me and my boy first got together, my (former) best friend decided that she didn’t want to hang with me due to the fact I had a boy and she didn’t!!
Apparently now she hates me. Ha!
Oh well. I believe I’m much better off without her. She was far too negative.
When I was young my friends did this to me over and over. I always forgave them. But I also promised myself I would never do this. And I never did! It helps your friends keep trust in you if you are reliable and don’t drop off the radar for a boyfriend/girlfriend. It also shows your partner that you respect your individuality and they may feel less smothered by you. One nice thing, if you don’t plunge into the novelty and work for all it has, it lasts longer. You might look at your lover after being together a year or two and still have stars in your eyes at your return from spending a day or two away from him/her (and spent with your bff).
I’m so glad you didn’t go with the usual “do what you feel is right” route.
Great advice!
I think that the saying bros before hoes always works until somebody starts dating someone
My only friend has been doing the same thing lately. Even though it’s really frustrating it’s good because not only did it make me realize I need more friends, but it’s pushing me to get past my shyness so that I can approach new people.
Moni — My saying has always been “prose before hos” ;D
Good advice.
My best friend did that.
She won’t know till they’re broken up, and she’s alone, how much she loves you, needs you, etc. THAT’S when you give her serious shit, so that she knows for next time – friends first.
I did that to my two best friends, for around 4 years until my ex broke up with me. They never complained about that, but i felt so guilty after that i’ve made the promise to never let that happen again. So i spent a year learning and enjoying being single, and the good news were that one of my super lovely beautiful friends introduce me to my actual boyfriend!!
It all depends on how the relationship is going and at what level of ‘seriousness’ the couple are at in the ‘long-term’ stakes.
My husband IS my best friend and I wouldn’t change that for the world. When we first started dating, my husbands group of friends (mostly females) would give him a hard time for spending so much time with me and bringing me to their parties/gatherings etc. They all seemed nice and I was assured constantly that they loved me, but when things got serious and they realised that we were together for the long haul, they started nasty rumours about me, made threatening phone calls to us at all hours of the night and one of them even told my (now) husband that she’d be happy to ‘entertain’ him when I wasn’t around.
Needless to say, we haven’t seen them for about 4 years now and we’re much better for it.
I don’t really have any good female friends that I could invite around for a girly night or anything like that – those of them who I do hold close are on the other side of the country! But I have my best friend, my husband, who plays video games with me, takes me out to dinner & shopping (he’s the best fashion adviser!) and listens to me like no other friend could.
Best advice on such a “touchy” matter.
The most annoying part is when they come back to you saying “wahhh me and insert name here are having fights. Hang out with me cause i have no one else”
Seconded, I don’t think there’s not much you can do besides wait until the passion fades and she realises she’s neglected her other relationships
That said, if it were me I’d probably like to make sure that she is merely distracted by her new love, and not being hemmed in by a possessive boyfriend
thanks so much for the advice gala :)
sigh my best friend’s so obsessed.
This sort of thing happens to everyone, male or female..
And it happens not only when you’re in highschool, but when people get older too.
One of my best friends started dating a new guy , they’d invite me everywhere with them. It was nice to be included everywhere, but I’d feel like the third wheel most of the time.
They’d ensure me I wasn’t, but it’s still not fun to sit in a booth at a resturant and have two people cuddling and the other person sitting alone, driving home alone, and having no one to be poo-poo-cuddly-poops with.
I just say give it time, because eventually they’ll realizing spending every waking moment with that person is driving them insane. THey’ll need to vent or just have some more estrogen in their lives.
I definitely agree that you just need to give it time.
It’s not about you. There isn’t anything you can do. You just have to find other friends to hang out with (which is always good, anyway) until she comes out of the obsessed period.
I’m glad you guys agree with me, since it’s a tricky situation. It would be so easy to say, “Obviously she’s not worth your time, you deserve a better friend!” but really, when it comes to matters of the heart, I don’t think it makes sense to take these things personally. Everyone is prone to a little bit of selfishness & head-over-heels obsession, I think it’s good for us really… The world becomes a colder place when we lose tolerance for people who didn’t really mean us any harm in the first place.
oh jeez, I know how that feels 9_9. sucks, dunnit? but they’ll come running back… personally, I’m still waiting, what with university and boyfriend and work, apparently theres no chance of seeing my best friends until we’re all married, grauduated, and (possibly) retired.
it happens.
i’ve been on both sides before as well…i really have nothing to add, except i wanted to drop the term “twitterpated” into the mix…
ughhh this is such a bad situation to be in. I know because i’m in it constantly. i’m always single and majority of my close friends are wrapped up in this months(/years whateverr) bf/gf. so annoying. it does give me an opportunity to meet new people and spend time with other friends which i suppose is the ONLY good thing about this situation.
best of luck
fantastic advice (as always) gala
I’ve been in the same situation, only by both parts! my best friend and I got boyfriends last year, though I started dating 4 months after her, and I really felt like she dumped me. Then I started dating and I understood her xD She broked up recently, but our relatioship is still close, though we don’t see each other all the time cause I’m in college and she’s in school, and she has an ENORMOUS social life. But it’s great anyways…we may not see each other in months, but when we do, it’s like we saw each other yesterday!:D
good advice gala ;)
conversely… what about friends who pre-emptively ditch you once you enter a relationship, expecting this sort of thing to happen?
i feel like the situation could be dealt with more tactfully, or more considerately. instead of completely cutting your friend off, i would personally touch base with them every so often to make sure that you at least still talk to each other even a little bit, and to remind them that you’re still there for them. otherwise it would just be awkward when you eventually do talk to each other again, or negative feelings could manifest as a result of no communication.
i do agree with letting them come back to you, though.. it’s unfair for one side of the friendship to be making all the effort.
Gala, you’ve got it right on! Just embrace the facts, keep everything positive and understanding, and your friendship will bounce back from this!
One nice thing about being gal pals, though, is that boys don’t like to do EVERYTHING you might enjoy, which brings me to my personal approach to these situations:
When my roomie in college disappeared into her first serious relationship, a few months in I told her that I really missed her and asked if we could schedule a date to hit the town for an afternoon together sometime and go secondhand shopping and get some hot chocolate and catch up. We scheduled it WITH her boyfriend during a time when he was going to be busy anyway, and then everyone was happy. We functioned as a team, and nobody had hurt feelings. Totally nurtured positive communication between the three of us – can’t recommend this approach enough!
And really, what are the odds that he wants to go with her to get her hair cut, her school clothes, stuff like that? =) work those differences!
I think your advice Gala is great.
I too have been in this situation, where my closest friend got married. I realised that until that time I had been her significant other and support person and she was mine. I had a break down, she didn’t realise it as she got married went away on honeymoon etc… (prior to this we had been both to-ing and fro-ing with the dating game and dating blokes, either at similar times or at different times.)
I realised that when she met hubby to be that it was serious and I understood that when you start a new relationship you want to live eat and breath that person for a while. She then became pregnant and then all I heard was baby baby baby. I was single and really wanted a partner and baby, so it hurt, I let her talk as that is what she needed.
When I met someone I was accused of ditching her, as I apparently did when I met a man. I was hurt that I was not allowed to have a special someone, that I was expected to be available when she needed me as I was the single one.
I had other friends who said “we really miss seeing you as much as we did, but we are so very happy that you have met…” this made me realise that it was ok to give less to my friends and more to me! I wasn’t ignoring my friends I had less time for them, so they didn’t see me as much as I had someone else to fit in.
Needless to say I have evaluated my friendship and have decided (from other more cutting but need not be mentioned incidents over a year) that the friendship was not saveable.
It was a hard decision, but I did however gain a new friend my husband! Who also is a good person, has good judgement of character and is a good sounding block. He listened to what I said and let me come up to my own solution before making comment. He agreed with what I chose and then explained what he saw in my friend as a person.
Although what you may have experienced is slightly different it is also important to communicate to this person and let them know that you are happy for them but that you would like to spend a bit of time with them as well. Decide how much they mean to you as a friend, and how they treat you (boyfriend or not) before you cut them off or treat them poorly as payback.
Think what it might be like from her side, or even ask her. Karma works it’s own course we don’t need to create it by being nasty.
Yeah, my best friend’s been like that lately with her boyfriend…she only calls me to tell me to call him because he won’t answer he. I’m just like “Maybe he’s sick of your obsessiveness” But she doesn’t listen. I haven’t talked to her without somehow bringing him up in aoubt a month. Somehow he always manages to get into our rare conversations. The other day I went over her house for the first time in a long time and he was there too. I figured we would all chill in the pool for awhile. They went off to the hot tub while I was in the pool, and I decided to let them be alone for a few minutes. Well I fell asleep on the raft and guess what? 20 minutes later, I found out that they had gone back to his house. Forgetting all about me. That hurt. Then she had the nerve to ask me why I was mad at her…but she always does this. And then when it’s over she cries to me and asks me to forgive her and I do. But I think this time, maybe I won’t be so quick to forgive her ignoring me. Thanks Gala =)
I know what you mean. That’s what happened when I hooked my best friend up with my husband’s best friend about 3 years ago. They are PERFECT for each other and seem completely happy. They are married now. But it seemed as if she didn’t want to hang around me anymore for some reason. At first, I made excuses for her saying, “well, she is in love, and they are a family now.(she, her daughter, and new hubby).” But I can’t make those excuses, because I have been with my husband for 8 years and married for 3 years, plus we have 2 kids. Yet, I was always willing to make time for her. I am very much in love with my husband as well. She and I were best friends since meeting in college back in 1999 and we use to talk on the phone every day. Now, we’re lucky if we talk once every week or 2 and it seems like every time I call, she is busy or she gets off the phone rather quickly. So, I stopped calling and I guess I will wait until she calls me. But in the meantime, I met someone else-another woman, who has been a long term relationship with her husband as well. Our kids attend the same school, so we hang out together several times a week, going to the gym to work out, getting our nails done, going to Starbucks, etc. She has 2 kids as well, but we have a great time together. I guess my best friend doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.
You know, it’s not as if the girl is in a relationship with you.
Girls are way too possessive over one another, and a lot of relationships are ruined because of that. It’s seriously a trend that needs to stop.
Just because she has a boyfriend doesn’t mean you don’t have a friendship, nor does your friendship entitle you to some sort of ownership over her.
Perhaps your own issues are rooted in your own jealousy over their relationship. Take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are truly entitled to what you’re demanding, or is it really that you’re just miserable on your own and want company in it.
I lost a very close friend because of this situation and it hurts big time and the worst thing is that she broke up with the guy and we still dont talk. I feel so angry and frustrated that i find myself crying almost every night and the worst part is that i think she doesn’t even care… She is so diferent and i feel so lost.
Thank you Gala! I’ve been looking for advice about this sort of thing for ages.
My “Best Friend” (18) and her serious boyfriend (30) have been dating for a year now.
She’s stopped many things for him, like drinking alcohol, going out with friends, having a social unit, etc. She also quit college, and doesn’t work anymore. They’re joined at the hip, it’s terrible.
At first, I just spent my days crying; I missed the person she once was. We were so close, I told her everything.
But I’m used to it now. I’m good friends with her older sister and we share our thoughts about the whole thing, which is nice.
I see her now and again, I saw her just before Christmas and she warned me “not to drink too much” on New Years.
I just miss her sometimes. She was my best friend.
Nevermind.
Things always work out for the best.
xox Lucy
Well, I hope it’s not too late to comment on this, but I disagree only because I am speaking from the point of view that I am in a relationship and my best friend and I are no longer as close as we used to be. My story however, I feel is different because now that I have a boyfriend I’ve been trying to balance out my friends and love life, which is much harder then I had expected. Anyway, my best friend has distanced herself from me because she feels that I won’t be able to make time for her (which is odd being that she has a boyfriend). This is not true, I have tried to make plans with her on more than one occasion and even though she has agreed, she always changed her mind at the last minute. In my opinion, I feel that she’s just not able to adjust to the new friendship dynamic. I mean, I’m really trying to work things out with her, but she’s stubborn to meet me half way. yah know?
I felt guilty when I read this article because I’m the quintessential ‘relationship girl’- when I meet someone, I put everything I’ve got into furthering that relationship and making it the best it can be. Then I realised, this isn’t a bad thing- as a few girls in these comments have pointed out. It depends on what you expect from your friends and equally, what they expect of you- if you like to be somewhat independent, and your friend is the needy type, then of course you’re going to come to blows.
Wow, this article really helped me. My friend and i have recently gotten into a big fight because i spend to much time with my boyfriend, i even left her birthday party to go and see him. But through all this i really couldn’t understand why she had a problem with that until now. I have been placing her second to him, just like i have been putting him above everything. When she let me know how mad she was at me, i really was offended, but then over the days that she wouldn’t talk to me i realized that she is the one i need most since once i loose the stardust of my relationship i’ll need her. But i know if i wait until then she probably won’t need me anymore. i only hope now that it isn’t too late to fix what was lost between us.
I am so glad i came across this forum. I was feeling terribly sad because my best friend got married last sunday, and i had the same feeling of being left behind. Well this has actually been happening for over a year now, since she met him… which is funny because I’M the one who told her to break up with her old abusive boyfriend and give this guy a chance and she even ended up marrying him! But she’s forgotten all about me. I feel terribly sad because we used to be so close it felt like family or something very closer than family. Now it feels like shes growing up and moving on with her life, we are both 20. She wants to have babys and i want to finish college… She wants to learn how to cook and i want to travel the world. Total different mentalities. I hate that some people would consider that to be needy, i love having a best friend to run to and ask for advice, have sleepovers, watch chick flicks, talk about boys, wear cute outfits together, having someone other than my boyfriend (whom i love very much) there for me, and me be there for them. I don’t know i guess i just feel like if i can make time for you, why can’t you do the same for me? I guess ill never know. You guys are so right though, i better find myself a new friend to hang out with, someone who shares my views on friendship. Thanks guys i feel so much better knowing im not the only clingy best friend out there, cause i actually LOVE being one! :]
I have been in this situation as an adult. I met my best friend 6 years ago and I totally took on the roll of “helper, fixer”. I am 36 years old and my friend is 10 years older than me. We are both married. We have been through so much in 6 years. I feel like I was practically her everything since she was in a bad marriage. She is finally getting a divorce. However, in the meantime I introduced her to an aquaintance of mine and they have hit it off. She has changed so drastically in the last few months…I feel like I don’t even know her anymore. ALL she talks about is what he did for her, what he gave her, how all he wants is to make her happy. blah blah blah. I am truly happy she has a normal person in her life. Really. However, I am married and have 3 kids and feel like I gave her soooo much of my life. I knew it was unhealthy how much time we spent together and how involved I was in her every day business, but I felt like a true close friendship. Well, now I am so second fiddle that I can’t even begin to explain how I feel. Resentful, mad, sad, you name it. I know our friendship needed to lighten up some but I guess I feel like I have been completley dissed. It hurts. She is so rude now. Goes to the girly flicks at the movies with him instead of me after we already talked about it. I show up at her house for a planned outing, and she’s on the phone with him and sends me on my way. I did confront her on that and she apologized for it, but still. I would NEVER NEVER do that to someone. She’s on her phone all the time or texting. We are not teenagers. We are talking mid thirties and fortys here. I always have wanted her to have a nice man in her life. Her husband and her really had nothing in common and he just wasn’t a pleasant person. This man is truly a nice man but has been divorced for years. He’s ready for the full-time relationship. She isn’t even fully divorced yet. It’s just hard to accept the new “unspoken” boundaries that have been put up. We have a circle of friends that are livid about their relationship. I am ok with it, afterall I introduced them. I just can’t believe or accept that this is how our friendship would be. I really thought I meant more to her than that. I’m not asking for much, just some respect. I feel like NOTHING matters to her but getting to her next outing with him. Even her kids are being dissed. The lying that is going on for her to maintain this relationship is ridiculous and I am tired of being a part of that. I have been used as her scapegoat so many times her kids probably don’t even like me anymore, cause they think their mom is always with me. We don’t talk as much, she forgets everything going on in my life, she spends every free moment with him. I get squeezed in very rarely and even then I feel like it’s only out of obligation. How do I get past these hurtful feelings? If I discuss it with her, I just know she’ll think I’m jealous. I’m not!! I have an awesome husband that has put up with HER for 6 years. He’s said all along that I give her way to much of my time and attention. I just need a little advise, cause this is taking up way to much of my time!!!