My Boyfriend Doesn't Want Me To Get Tattoos!
[ 7 December 2007 ]
Photo by Siv.
“I desperately want to get a large tattoo on each of my arms, not quite as big as yours. The designs are beautiful, made up of things that are really important in my life, like symbols of my family, freedom and creativity. The only trouble is that my boyfriend utterly despises tattoos and has said himself he would find me less attractive if I had them done. He’s never ever said anything like that before and I don’t know what to do. Did people try to talk you out of getting inked?”
In life, you need to accept that people are going to feel the need to give you their opinion on what you’re doing. It doesn’t matter whether you ask them or not — it’s a fact that most people feel entitled to telling other people what they should do with their lives. Not that it matters what they say — of course, it doesn’t. The most important thing is that you’re happy with your decisions. But it will still occur.
When you’re making unconventional sartorial or aesthetic choices, this is doubly true. I cannot tell you how many people comment on my outfit, accessories or hair in the street. About 98% of the time, the feedback is positive — but not always. If someone doesn’t like your dress & expresses disapproval, & the negative attention makes you feel self-conscious or badly-dressed or otherwise… well, you can always take it off. With tattoos, however, it is slightly different.
Getting a tattoo is a major commitment & it’s really something that you should give a lot of thought to. You will have them forever. When you’re 18, you don’t think much about that, but when you’re 25, you do.
I think the most important thing here is that we should never allow people to bully us away from living the life we want. I don’t know if your boyfriend is bullying you, or just giving you his opinion, but quite frankly, it doesn’t really matter. You know what you want, so you should go after that with all your might. You are not living your life for HIM — you are living it for you.
As for your boyfriend’s comments about finding you less attractive — I really don’t think that’s about the tattoos. It might seem like that on the surface, but I think there is something deeper going on there. Maybe he likes his women ultra-feminine; perhaps he wants his own but is too afraid & therefore jealous of your declarations; maybe he thinks his parents will judge you harshly; perhaps he has high-society aspirations & thinks that a girl with tattoos will, ultimately, not fit the bill.
It seems slightly ironic that your tattoos symbolise freedom & your boyfriend is so vehemently against them. You might want to talk with him about that, & yes, it will probably be like pulling teeth, but some people just don’t know how to communicate.
On the other hand, it’s okay to have different opinions — it’s what makes the world interesting. What you do with your body is absolutely none of his business, & I would be inclined to think that someone who says they would find you “less attractive” if you had some ink probably has issues of their own.
If you come home with tattoos, will he break up with you? Probably not, but maybe. If he gave you the flick over something so irrelevant, would that really be a huge loss? Tattoos don’t hurt anyone (well, except you!) & they are a very valid form of expression. If you wanted to run off & shoot heroin for a month, I would understand his concerns — but what you desire is safe, fun & beautiful. Is he likely to try & prevent you from doing other things in the future? If he is, maybe it’s time to take stock of your relationship & evaluate where it’s going. Having the freedom to be yourself should be high on your list of priorities, & any job, family members, friends or lovers who try to impinge on that should be told (in no uncertain terms) to take a flying leap.
Oh, & to answer your question — people have tried to “talk me out” of all kinds of things, including changing my name, leaving jobs I hated & starting this website. I listen, but I only heed the words of a few. Doing what other people tell you isn’t brave or bold or empowering. Think for yourself & live on your own terms — that is true courage in action.
As always, someone else said it best.
“Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.” — Mark Twain
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala 
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Great advice there Gala. Yes getting a tattoo is a big decision seeing as you’re going to have it for the rest of your life, but if someone is willing to split with you over it is just a tad superficial..
And hey, there’s plenty of guys around that love girls with tattoos..
:) Thanks Gala
so well said, gala. i totally agree that you can’t let someone else’s misguided opinion sway your decision on something like this.
a couple months after i got my tattoo my dad said he thought i was a ‘mindless sheep’ for getting it. nice, dad. but ultimately it doesn’t matter – i know why i got it, i know what it means to me, and his not liking it doesn’t change anything.
to summarise, you have to make your own choices.
My boyfriend doesn’t want me to get any more tattoos – although he likes the one I do have! I think he’s against them because he’s an incredibly thoughtful and cautious person, and he can’t imagine deciding on a design he would like for the rest of his life. And he doesn’t want me to regret getting something I would lose interest in.
But I know my own mind, and although I respect his advice and input, I know that if I DO find something that I feel I can commit to for the rest of my life, I won’t hesitate to get it done. The only thing stopping me from getting more tattoos is finding a design I feel I can “marry.”
Fabulously well-written post Gala!!!
My boyfriend says this about piercings. He was quite adamant about it when I was considering my labret very early in our relationship. Thankfully, in the last four years he’s matured a lot! I’m thinking about another piercing, and although he admits he really doesn’t like it, he’ll still love me for me. Hopefully your boyfriend will realize – like mine did – that if he wants to be with you, he shouldn’t stand in the way of your happiness. He should be fully accepting, and support you through everything you would regret NOT doing!
Your advice is fantastic Gala.
Also, to the tattoo-ee, if you do get it done, I would love to see the finished product!
ahhhh well written gala!
i have swallows and roses on my chest and a fairly sizable tat of my dog on my leg. he’s not too keen on me getting more, but i know that if i was super passionate about it (as i LOVE tats), he wouldn’t try to stop me.
it’s all about supporting your partners choices. and as long as no one’s getting hurt, what’s the harm!
my ex, who for the record was an abusive controlling psycho with anger issues (i’m not joking here) told me that if i got any more tattoos he’d break up with me.
instead i broke up with him (eventually…), almost two years ago now, and i now am the proud bearer of a full sleeve!
hehe! when i wanted to get some facial piercings done, my boyfriend’s only objection was that he wouldn’t be able to kiss me as passionately as he would like to, by fear of hurting me! sooo cute!
I tell people that being tattooed feels as natural to me as being Italian, or married, or a meat eater, or female. They are as much a part of who I am as all those things are, and if the person i was with couldn’t see that and couldn’t love me for it, then they would not be a person I would put too much effort into…. (my mister is almost fully sleeved)
And also if he would try to stop you from doing this, then what is next? voting? (j/k) :)
My mother HATES tattoos with the burning white hot passion of a thousands suns, and even shudders some times when she see’s mind, and goes very quiet when i mention getting more, but she very deeply loves me, and thinks no less of ME because of them.
As always gala, your advice is right on.
that’s all.
I am strongly encouraged by the people I love to do whatever I wish, however, when Istated I wanted a bridge piercing I was told by my mother and my boyfriend that they looked “stupid”. I did it anyway. My boyfriend loves it and says it suits me. My mother didn’t talk to me when I told her over the phone, but when she saw it in person she said “Oh, you suck, it does suit you”!
I think alot of people conjure up these horrible mental pictures and pass judgement too early, and when they see the end product, they see just how beautiful it can be.
It is also about personal preference, my mother wouldn’t want a piece of metal between her eyes, but she loves it on me. If they love you, they’ll let you be free.
I don’t know about everyone else, but people telling me I shouldn’t/can’t do something only makes me want to do it more, haha.
If someone told me that tattoos would make me “less attractive” or something like that, then I’d probably say “Well, it’s a good thing I’m getting them and not you, then!” ;>.
Miri — That’s EXACTLY what I said when someone said I shouldn’t change my name. “Oh, good thing you’re not the one changing your name to Gala, then!”
go for it! if it’s a design you love, the golden rule for me is to think about it for three months, or maybe more if you want to.
if you still love it after 3 months, chances are you won’t regret doing it – tatt’s remind you of a time in your life, and the body’s only a vessel anyway!
as long as it won’t interfere negatively with anyone else (eg a huge, visible swastika or something is likely to cause offence to some) & YOU like the idea of it, then go for it!
I love my tattoo’s, they still represent what they did when I first got them, and I can’t wait for my 3rd one… they are seriously addictive so beware!
go for it! if it’s a design you love, the golden rule for me is to think about it for three months, or maybe more if you want to.
if you still love it after 3 months, chances are you won’t regret doing it – tatt’s remind you of a time in your life, and the body’s only a vessel anyway!
as long as it won’t interfere negatively with anyone else (eg a huge, visible swastika or something is likely to cause offence to some) & YOU like the idea of it, then go for it!
I love my tattoo’s, they still represent what they did when I first got them, and I can’t wait for my 3rd one… they are seriously addictive so beware!
Right on sister!
chu (o3o)...*!
I saw people removing tatoos using laser in the news!
Great advice Gala!
Not to sound rude, and put my opinion in where it doesn’t need to be, but…
Isn’t a significant other supposed to support you, in all your faults and glories?
And if, one of your fancies are tattoos, shouldn’t he accept it too?
I’m getting a tattoo on my shoulder in June, and I’m glad you wrote this. It gives me more to think about before getting it done.
I love the tattoo, but really they do date people if you choose a “fashion” tat. It was all about the bluebird on the ankle in the 80’s, the 90’s were all tribal tats, and the stylized dolphin. I’m not sure what the 00’s fashion tat is, but I recommend you find out and avoid it.
Great, great article, and I agree with many of the points. Like Retro.Bunny I think a significant other is supposed to be supportive of you, but you need to discuss it and see what his issues are that are causing him to feel like he can’t support this.
Name changing – I’ve so often wondered about that Gala – what is your previous name, if you don’t mind me asking? Gala really suits you though. I remember in one of your articles you referring to you & your boyfriend as Simon & Galafunkel and now I giggle alot whenever I see a Simon & Garfunkel record ;)
JakJak — Fashion tattoos are ageing, yup. But then, so are faces…! I think the girl asking the question knows what she’s doing, though! It doesn’t sound like she’s just picked a heart off the wall :>
Lani — If you go back through my Livejournal you’ll probably find my old name. But I don’t reveal it to people these days because, well, it’s totally irrelevant!
I kind of see where the boyfriend is coming from. Maybe it really is as simple as that he doesn’t find tattoos attractive. Maybe he finds them kind of a turn off. Of course, what’s on the inside of your partner matters the most, by far, but seeing the object of your affections start to change in ways that aren’t physically attractive to you is a bit scary. It will happen to us all, of course, as our partners age, change shape after having children, lose hair, etc etc. The first of these changes must be kind of jarring — when you realise you’re committed to this person through thick and thin, even though in 20 years time they will look nothing like they did when you fell in love with that hottie! He might just be having a bit of a commitment freak out!
Another view might be that perhaps tattoos are a symbol of a slight difference in your views, and he’s scared that once you’ve made that difference obvious then it will make any incompatibility obvious. Maybe he just needs some reassurance that some differences don’t matter, and you won’t suddenly be changed as a person once you have a tattoo. I think it’s natural (not necessarily desirable, but natural) to be a bit afraid of your partner changing, physically or otherwise.
Gala, this is very insightful and well-written advice!
When I got my first tattoo, my father belittled me to no end. I thought he’d adjust, but with every subsequent tattoo, it’s been the same series of discouraging and downright rude remarks (although he HAS started to appreciate the aesthetics and quality of them…). Even now, working in a tattoo parlor and paving my way to an apprenticeship, he offers no support except to tell me that my drawing skills are really coming along. It’s the very definition of frustrating!
My dad’s one of the most important people in my life and I love him to no end, but I refuse to let him bring me down. My tattoos are really important to me; they make me feel beautiful and empowered, and they mark the history of my life, my attitudes, my ideas. So, the thought of sharing that with others strikes me as really amazing, and I don’t want anything to stand in the way of that.
At my job, I’m routinely confronted with scenarios like this, and I’ve tried offering similar advice. It’s your body, it’s your life, and while other people might be on board with you, you’re the one guiding the ship. Currently, my boyfriend and I both want haircuts that neither of us find attractive. Now, haircuts – definitely not as permanent as tattoos, but it’s definitely a source of amusement in our relationship, not tension. Ultimately, I think if either one of us DOES finally commit to these haircuts, we’ll both grow to appreciate them in our own way, even if deep down, we don’t like them. At the very least, we’ll laugh a lot about them. Because when you really like somebody – romantic partner or otherwise – you don’t let the little things weigh down the relationship.
I am very bad at not listening to what a partner has to say about what I deicide to do with myself…so I am probably the worst person to offer an opinion on such.
What really really annoys me about tattoo’s is the ways inwhich people thing that it has to mean something. I like the idea of my body being something that is mine to control and decide the fate of and that the body is a piece of art. Although I am more than happy to explain this, or about the quotes written on me.
I think that your the one who has to live with it for the rest of your life, look at it each day and be proud of who you are.
If whatever you decide to do is a personal choice and a reflect of you, then who ever it is around you that loves you will accept it, because thats who you are.
I am so greatful to have a mother + friends that accepts my sometimes unacceptable (to some) lifestyle…. and I think I just got a little too passionate…..
Girl, it’s YOUR body. He has no right to say this that or the other about it. Go for it!
The way that tattoos draw such strong opinions from people has always fascinated me. Ultimately, of course, the only person you have to answer to is yourself.
I’ve got a full sleeve on my right arm – Including my hand, as well as a full thigh piece, and a back piece (as well as three full size pieces in the works).
A few things to think about — if you wanna…
* My tattoos are my trusty people-filtering sidekicks. People will tell you what they think of yours and of people with tats in general – whether positive or negative, and this judgement gives you priceless insight into part of their personalities. They’re almost a magnet for other people and having them has brought great conversations and people into my world.
* If your tattoos are visible, you’re on display to the world and all its curious people whenever you’re out in public. These curious people harmlessly will stop you in the street, stores, bathrooms, libraries, gym, school, metro bus (and on and on…) to talk to you about it, ask questions, show your theirs, etc. Some of them will even touch you without without asking. (Ewww!) So, you learn to add “tattoo time” in whenever you need to be somewhere on time (especially in warmer months). Nobody ever mentioned this to me, and it was a big surprise when I realized how often it actually happens.
* Brightly colored sleeves and arm tats make it a little more difficult to wear bold prints and may accidentally result in your body clashing with your outfit! Nobody told me this, either. (and yes, I absolutely think you should wear bold prints with arm tats – It’s hot!)
** btw, tattoos you haven’t yet gotten can also be great people filters and useful conversation starters…
Good luck!
Ew. I most certainly didn’t just pick a heart off the wall. Hehehe.
Your fans are just as insightful as you are Gala. What brilliant thoughts and ideas.
I am going to get my tattoos damn it!
Woo! inky power for all!
xxxx
When I was 19 I wanted my nose pierced as I thought it would look nice. Living at home still, my mother said she would disown me so I thought against it, as I respected my mother and didn’t want to rock the boat at home.
Skip to 6 years later I am marrried living in my own home, with my own job, and I say to husband I want to get nose pierced. He said yuck he didn’t like the idea. I thought damn it’s my nose. I went and did it with out telling anyone.
I was preparing dinner and he rounded the corner saw the nose stud (a small jem) and did a double take revolted and went out of the room. After a while he came back but couldn’t look at me properly for a few days. Then after a while he didn’t notice it and it wasn’t a problem.
My mother on the other hand said….Gee merle that looks nice!!!!!!! arrgh.
It’s now been over 8 years everyone likes it and most people don’t even see it. But I LOVE IT and my tattoo I got 7 years ago too. With the tattoo I first painted it on my front door and after 3 months decided yes I love this, and I want it permanently on my body, and it is fabulous!
The moral to the story …
needless to say husband and I got divorced and 5 years later I met the most wonderful, supportive and caring man and it didn’t matter that I had my nose pierced or a tattoo, as he loves me the way I am for who I am. As for my family they liked the tattoo, except my brother thought it was fake and tried to rub it off! I think the main thing is to make an educated decision for yourself about body adornment.
My favourite piercer, Natalie who works in OTT on Blackfriar Street in Edinburgh (Natalie, if you happen to read this, I LOVE you) said to me once, “When you’re old, you’re going to be ugly”. So it doesn’t matter if you got tattoo’s or piercings – you gonna be old-and-ugly. So true, so so true. But won’t we look interesting!
Mwah xx
Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning and checked icing only to find that the first article was one that related directly to my current predicament! I’ve been very excited about the prospect of soon getting my septum pierced and then following up with a tattoo or soon in the near future. I’ve had my share of piercings before, but my boyfriend has made it no secret that he DESPISES septum piercings. I was a little disappointed that he didn’t support me (I’d wanted to hold his hand when I got it done!), but at the same time, it’s given me a chance to feel like I’m doing something SPECIFICALLY for me and not for him.
Soooo….once I finish all my Christmas shopping, it’s off to the piercer I’ll go!
and if Twain’s remark doesn’t do it for you, maybe you should respond the way Vonnegut would have you:
“why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling donut? why don’t you take a flying fuck at the moooooon!”
Very much appreciated Gala :). But I also think Annabel has a point – her boyfriend may simply be a little wary of change, or needs to be shown how great tattoos really are. That’s actually quite funny – I was writing about tattoos earlier today. You are psychic!
my guy has a real terror of needles. He used to say he thought tats were stupid and ugly. I actually didn’t tell him when I got mine (it was pre-dating), until I accidentally mentioned it (I was going to put lotion on it) a few days later. And was he revulsed? No. He was fascinated. I was on my way up to spend a weekend with him and his roomies in a few days and he was SO excited to see it.
So maybe tats are only “ugly” on people you don’t know! You never know!
He also admitted, when I wanted to shave my head, that he wouldn’t be as attracted to me. (not that he used it as a threat, and I made him feel like a right stinker about the whole thing) And if he wasn’t, it didn’t show. He used to rub and nuzzle my fuzzy head all the time.
So yes. Tattoos are permanent. But love can be, too. You might just change his mind!
PS – I’m 27 and I still love the black icon tattooed on my shoulderblade. Choose wisely and it will only become more meaningful for you with time.
If (heaven forbid) you don’t like a tattoo later, can’t you cover it up with another tattoo? Does that work?
I say go for it! I love my tattoos and don’t regret them. No one can tell you what to do. In the end the decision is up to you, and you alone.
Think for yourself & live on your own terms —that is true courage in action. Thanks Gala, That’s so cool! :)
I don’t regret any of my 9 tats, although 2 I would like to have re-done. For me, tattooing and piercing is freedom. A point in my life where I need to express myself. Each tattoo has a meaning behind it-although others may not understand, I do. I look at them as pieces of art painted on my body forever. Each tat took months of planning on what I wanted, where I wanted it and none were spur of the moment. THAT is the key. Nice post and blog!
Great article! Informative as always!
When it comes to tatoos, it seems I’m the one who keeps telling myself not to get one. I love the look and idea of them, but I want to become an elementary school teacher and I don’t want it to effect my job (because, heaven knows, the very first one would have to be a skantly clad pin-up on my shoulder and who wants to explain THAT to parents?). So I’ll probably be one of those girls whose tatooed up every hidden patch of skin. ;D
i have 3 tattoos, not massive things but they are big enough, i am lucky enough to have a bf to likes to talk to the one on my back….its a panda and he loves looking at it LOL. i recently got a new tattoo a wolf opposite the panda and my bf made sure i picked one out that i really liked and was sure about and helped me pick where i wanted it. He says its My body/life and its up to me what i do with it. He cant really stop me, if it makes me happy.!
my boyfriend (now fiance) didn’t really want me to get any more tattoos although he didn’t mind the ones I got before I met him. now that we are engaged, we have talked about each getting one that symbolises our committment to each other, and we may do this together after we are married.
while I wouldn’t recommend getting someone’s name tattooed on yourself (we have decided on a small crown tattoo each – he calls me his queen and I call him my king, and if we someday break up, we will still have a reminder that someone once thought we were royalty!), he is much more amenable to it because he is involved.
that said, if he’s telling you he’ll find you less attractive if you get a tattoo, I probably wouldn’t be investing something important like a tattoo in him….
well said.
i have a tattoo myself
and it hasa meaning to me.
i have a colored swallow on my left wrist wich means “safe journey home”
my parents totally flipped when they saw it,
but they got over it soon enough.
mom already has three tattoos, but hers are well hidden where as mine is visable.
i also work in a hair salon and most of the comments i recieved are good ones, which end up with 90 year old ladies showing me their tattoos they got when they were teens.
Definatly think long and hard before getting a tattoo and where you want it,
because the older you get, the saggier and wrinklier your skin will get!!
don’t get a tattoo just cause it looks “cool”
When I got my nose pierced, a lot of people, including the boy I was dating, were a bit skeptical. Supportive, but skeptical. I had one friend say he always thought nose rings looked like boogers, but when he saw mine, he thought it was cute and classy looking.
My mother still admits she’s a bit grossed out by it, but she doesn’t dislike how it looks and she certainly doesn’t love me any less.
I love my nose ring. Tattoos are not my thing, but if you love the idea as much I as I loved the idea of getting pierced.. do it!
Hey guys, I just popped onto the site when looking up this very topic. I am so torn about it, that this is kind of helping, as well as kind of disheartening.
I met my boyfriend, and I have 1 small tattoo on my ankle, and 1 larger one starting on my shoulder and so far is at my waist. It’s not done yet, and he was ok with that, as well as the 12 piercings I have. Then he realized that one of them was my tongue piercing, and has hated it ever since. He continually asks me to take it out, and tells me it feels “awkward” when we kiss, etc. I’ve been having some issues with him asking me to take it out whenever we’re together.. but tonight we had a talk.
He told me that he feels like if I get any more tattoos then I could potentially be unnatractive to me, and if that happened, he’s scared it could end the relationship. He’s not a fan of tattoos at ALL, but after hearing my personal reasons for having what I do, he was ok with those.
I have more plans for others, but am unsure of the potential hazards it could cause for my relationship. As well, he isnt feeling to great about it because he doesnt want to ask me to change, even though he’s completely uncomfy with the whole thing.
Does anyone have any advice?
Ok, Scratch that.
He just dumped me because he couldn’t “handle” them.