Romancing Yourself
[ 29 November 2007 ]
“Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy & you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be… & who you want to spend it with.” — Kim Cattrall
I was inspired to write this piece by a fantastic girl called Kylie who emailed me the other day, saying that she had never had a boyfriend & was pretty happy that way. Recently, however, in a conversation with a friend, she declared that she was no longer single — that she was dating herself! She said, “I believe in order to find your soul mate you need to find yourself & who you are… so I have decided to date myself & get to know who I am first.”
I couldn’t be happier for her, & as I read her email, sparks flew inside my skull & I knew I needed to write an article on romancing oneself!
How many horror stories have you heard about people dating wildly inappropriate people? I’ve heard hundreds, & they just keep coming. I think a lot of it stems from the fact that so many of us don’t know what we really want in another person. If I asked you to describe your dream lover, would you be able to? Not the physical attributes, but the aspects of their personality that really matter to you. So many people just don’t know.
To cut down on the amount of hideous dating disasters, it makes a lot of sense to get to know & love YOURSELF before attempting to do the same of another person. Maybe it’s time to start dating yourself.
How can you do that? Well, the short answer is to treat yourself as if you’re a person that you are head-over-heels in love with. What would you do for that dream person? Would you cook them fabulous meals, take them to the movies, fly them to Paris for a weekend? Time to start doing that for yourself! But here are some other suggestions…
Tell yourself that you’re beautiful
& do it every day. Look in the mirror while you’re in the bathroom getting ready to face the world & say, “You know what? You’re really gorgeous/handsome/beautiful/dashing/sexy.” (Whatever works best for you.) At first, saying this aloud might make you feel like the world’s most tragic person, & so if it does, try saying it in a silly voice & making it kind of like a comedy routine. But I promise you that after a while, you’ll begin to believe it — & you’ll feel so much better when you leave the house, because you know that you like yourself.
Go on dates alone
So many people are afraid to go to the movies or eat dinner alone! Learn to embrace this, especially if you’re afraid of it. There is no need to be scared of your own company, & if your primary worry is that people are judging you: trust me, they’re not. They probably think you are brave & that there is some awesome & mysterious reason why you are watching Casablanca alone. Go to museums, dance parties, art exhibitions & parks too. You do not need to wait for other people to accompany you to do the things you want! Going out with friends is great, of course, but experiencing the world alone is another thing entirely. Not to mention, dancing alone is one of the most fun things ever — come on, it has to be great if Billy Idol sang about it!
“Oh, dancing with myself, oh, dancing with myself, well there’s nothing to lose, & there’s nothing to prove, I’ll be dancing with myself!”
Buy flowers
Buy a huge bouquet of your favourite flowers & put them somewhere where you can admire them on a regular basis. Perhaps next to your bed or on your desk at work. Make a mental note to remember that they are a reflection of your love for yourself.
Spend hours in bookshops
Libraries, too. Allow yourself to wander all the way across the floor, from rack to rack, upstairs & down to the basement. Make notes of the books which interest you, & don’t allow your rational mind to get the better of you. If you want to submerge yourself in cooking books, or tomes on shoes, or a stack of pages on F1 racing cars, then do it! This is a really good way of getting to know yourself. Maybe you’ll become obsessed with industrial design or the illustrations in children’s books — & who knows where that could eventually lead?!
Start keeping a journal
Buy a journal (I like Moleskines, but what’s new?) & a super pen, & make a commitment to writing every day. As soon as you wake up, set a timer for 20 minutes & just write. Write write write. If you don’t know what to write, start by writing “I don’t know what to write…” Don’t worry about what you’re putting down — the beauty of “morning pages” (as they’re called) is that it is an authentic, true expression of yourself without censorship. Writing regularly & knowing that your words won’t be read by anyone else is incredibly liberating & an excellent way of getting to know who you really are. If you think about it, it’s the mornings when you are most yourself — you’ve just woken from a dream, the room is silent, the day stretches out in front of you like a cat & there are no external influences pushing or pulling you. Take this time for yourself, make it yours & appreciate it.
Learn about your sexuality
This is a really important part of the whole deal! Get to grips with what gets you off & what just plain turns you off. After all, if you don’t know what you want, how is your future lover going to know? Read erotica, rent porn, do online “research” & visit sex shops. No, not the nasty seedy ones — well, unless you want to! (Violet has a great list of stores here.)
Support yourself
You need to learn to become your own best friend — to have faith in the choices you make & to have your own back. Really, if you don’t look after, trust & respect yourself, who will? Be good to yourself. Stand up for yourself. It’s not quite a goodnight smooch, but I promise it will make you happy regardless.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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Thank you so much for this article. I love it. I wonder if my boyfriend would be okay with me chasing myself on the side?
Sarah — Haha. “I don’t know if I can have dinner with you, dear, I have a great offer from a stunning brunette with a lovely figure…” :D !
Oh you gorgeous girl! This is just what I needed to hear!
Thank you for writing this – I like a lot of your stuff, but this is the first time I’m declaring something a favourite.
This is an absolutely fabulous article & even tho im in a relationship…i think it could help me!! i have low self-esteem & therefore i never believe it when my partner sez im beautiful & he loves me… also it will b fun to go out alone to do the things I want to do rather then having to try and choose something we both like!!
Thanks again for being the wonderfully minded person & talented blogger that you are..
xx Em
Wow… this is a-w-e-s-o-m-e.
Sometimes I find myself focusing on my boyfriend so much, that I forget to pamper myself! I’ve decided to romance myself, along with being in a relationship!
Yay! I’m SO excited. I’m also going to start writing in the mornings. I normally write at night, and it’s usually about what happens during the day, so I’m excited to discover what I write BEFORE anything happens!
Wonderful as always, Gala =)
xo Tay.
I love the part about going on dates with yourself.
I am always suprised at how many people are scared to go get a meal, or go to a gig alone. I was single for the better half of three years, and i had to learn to go out alone or miss out on doing the things i wanted.
It is a great way to consentrate on doing the things YOU want, and discovering new things to love doing
I love this article!
I’m 19 and I’ve never had a boyfriend either. At home, it wasn’t acceptable to my family. At uni, I went on 1 date and realised he was a time-waster…I also realised I was too because I can’t deal with other people until I’ve dealt with myself.
I sometimes feel left out that most of my friends are in relationships and I worry that even when I want a boyfriend, I’ll still be invisible to guys. But I agree with the statement I’ve heard a lot of people make: confidence is the sexiest quality a person can have. I’m working on the principle that when I sort myself out, they’ll be falling at my feet ;)
And I’m totally with you about writing, Gala! I love that you have posh notebooks, I find writing with a pen slow and painful so I always type stuff instead (usually at about 3am which is what time it is now!). Writing’s such a creative thing and what begins as a random ramble can turn into a major revelation.
I’ve read so many of your articles lately which have been spot on for where I am in my life. I don’t know how you manage to give out such great advice (I’m sure you’re psychic!) but thank you and please keep up the fantabulous work! You’re truly amazing! xxx
I really needed this…thanks Gala!
the points you raised are very valid. too many times have people asked me for advice in their relationships – most of the time the only reason they are with someone is because they need them to support themselves! its terribly sad.
i think, im too obsessed with myself to be with anyone. i would drive even the perfect girl [or boy] mad.
anyway, at least you’re leading by example xP
z
I adore this article!
I cannot wait to tell myself I’m beautiful when I get up tomorrow. :)
this brightened my evening.
Thank you, Gala.
Thank you thank you thank you for this article!!
I recently got out of an amazing two year relationship and I just now started to get used to being on my lonesome again.
Once I stopped feeling depressed and lonely.
I am such a nerd I stay in the library for hours. And I happen to love going to the movies with myself!I remembered how peaceful it was being alone :D
Thank you for lifting up my spirits Gala!
Gala dear, you have just vastly improved my week. Possibly my life. I have never been in a relationship and spend far too much of my time fretting about this fact. When I am alone, I tend to ruminate over the loneliness. All my smiles are shared—I don’t save any for myself. Your article inspired me to, well, live, as opposed to just thinking about living (and other people’s opinions, and my own solitude). And I’ve realized I don’t need anyone’s consent or affection to be my dead sexy self. If I lived on your continent, I would make you chocolate rum cake. _
I’m with Poppy, I’m 19 and never had a boyfriend.
I’ve been on some dates but these guys want to move so fast that I eventually end up sabotaging the whole thing.
I’m happy without a boyfriend, I’m trying to discover myself and just enjoy doing things my way and in my time without worrying about the feelings of another person.
I love sitting in a coffee shop and read or play with Photoshop, it depends wether I have my laptop or not.
BTW, thank you for the toxin relief tips, they worked wonders and I feel soo much better. I just used EFT again, now drinking industrial quantities of water and it worked wonders.
Kisses.
I really like this article, Gala! I especially like the photo you included, it’s absolutely gorgeous.
billy idol. he is my GOD. what a brilliant man.
This is a great article. I have a boyfriend and he’s a very good one, but he doesn’t like arthouse films and qorks nights, so I just head off to dinner and a movie by myself. With self-dates you NEVER have awkward silences and you always agree with everything you say :)
Growing up I always liked being off on my own. One of my favorite things to do was to eat out by myself or go to the movies or just do what ever I wanted. And I loved loved loved living alone. You can vacuum at 3am if you want to or stay up and eat a sandwich in the middle of the night. Plus you can hog all the closet space and decorate however you want. Even now, after I’ve been married for 10 years, I still like to “disappear” for a while – be it lunch or errands or to an antiques show – just to get some ME time in.
I always thought I would never get married and thought dating was a waste most of the time. When I met my husband-to-be though, I was able to know why our being together was good and right. But I still tell him he messed up my future plan! ; )
Anyhow, some of the younger girls I work with are in this boat and, luckily, they are embracing it too by “Rocking their Single” as they say. I tell them to enjoy it as much as they can. It’s a great time period in your life – whether it is for a few years or decades.
Love it!
Luv
Poochie
I’m with poppy and juls- 18 and still alone- I have self esteem issues too(and constantly doubt myself)(even though I tell myself I shouldn’t)(which still being single doesn’t help),
but this article is really inspirational- definitely going to try this and see how it works out-
Your website is SO wonderful…
Thank you!
xoxo Jill
also: YAY! being single. when my friends complain about their significant others, i remember how glad i am that the only person i need to answer to is myself. (not that i’m saying relationships are bad, just saying it’s not the end of the world if you’re not in one) i seem to have survived quite well!
Lovely article.
Spending hours in a bookstore is one of my favourite things to do. I especially love the smell of second hand bookstores.
I also enjoy doing things alone sometimes. Theres nothing wrong with sitting in a coffee shop or cinema all by your lonesome. I have a boyfriend and I still do these things! Its great. Everybody needs some ‘me time’.
Superb.
This is how I enjoy being single, usually once a week I go downtown (Ottawa) and go shopping and browse through the shops. As well, I enjoy eating alone, at restaurants and at the dining hall as I never have to justify what I’m eating.
If you like that Billy song you should download the cover by Nouvelle Vouge. It makes me bop around like a pinup girl! :]
I’m 19 and had way too many boyfriends! I am now single for the first time in two and a half years, and I think I really need to take your advice and start getting to know and love myself. thanks for writing this Gala!
aaaand… there’s actually a word for those of us who would really rather stay single than be in the wrong relationship:
quirkyalone
more information here: www.quirkyalone.net
wow…thanks so much for the article gala! i went totally bright red when you mentioned my name!! but i am also happy that there are other people out there in the same situation as me and that this article will help them in some way! the article was great and has given me heaps of ideas! when i mentioned i was dating myself i stopped and paused thinking “hmm how do you date yourself?” and your article helped me heaps!! thanks again….you made an idea in my head a reality (if that makes sense!)
love ya heaps
kylie xx
im not single but this is also a great article just for self love and self acceptance, i always treat myself to things now i can just justify it more.
Firstly, I am a huge advocate of the morning pages. I write them every morning and I can honestly say that they have made a huge difference to my life. Well worth doing! When I started, I tried writing straight for 15 minutes, but I’ve discovered that what works best for me is to write 3 pages of my journal straight, without stopping. Everyone should give it a go! Secondly, my hubbie and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary, and I think that many of your tips, Gala, are as applicable to the married as well as the single. If you do not continue to love yourself, then you cannot be a full partner in your relationship. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to tell my reflection that she’s beautiful!
im not sure bud billy idols dancing with myself was bout something a bit different, what of course as well is adoring and romancing yourself. lots of cupcakes and guacamole 4u gala.
I think this is good advice whether you are in a relationship or not. It’s always smart to be connected with yourself. :)
Goodnight, darling!
goooooooooood article! thanx so much for it! i’m in a relationship now, but i still celebrate some of my ‘secret single behaviour’;o). love to go to the movies myself, sometimes even in concerts (once i went to mary j blige and some years later:o) to nine inch nails alone & twice some other fans couldn’t stop talking about me because of it, of course they thought i couldn’t hear them, search flea markets or visite museums and galleries myself. And I Enjoy It A Looooot. it’s not anyone elses business to make you happy, but truely yours.
muitos beijinhos!
This is a fantastic post! I am so glad that I discovered your blog Gala, I am in LOVE with you and your blog!
I am also in a relationship but this advice is great for anybody I think! Everybody needs to make time for themselves and do things they love. As for the bookstore part! I could live in a bookstore…Especially if it had pillows!!!!
I love keeping a journal, it is something I have gotten into again lately. I don`t write everyday but 3 or 4 times a week!!! I paste stuff in, I draw over stuff and I write words in giant letters and scribble…because I can!
I heart you Gala!
I love accents! I have a problem with mimicking anyone with one while in a conversation with them, but my accent itself sounds slightly English…but when I drink I sound like I was born there. I like the thought that you can hear where someones been/come from from their voice.
I am going to be completely off topic here, but I found this article from the NY post on Marie Antoniette style online and thought you would be interested: http://www.nypost.com/seven/10092006/photos/fashionspread.jpg
Don’t forget that you can keep on loving yourself if you are in a relationship too! I broke up with a loser a couple of years ago and had to take time to take care of myself and love myself. I bought myself my favorite bubble bath, finally splurged and got my ridiculously pink cell phone & enjoyed being me, myself & I. I’m in an amazing relationship, but I still take care of myself & love myself – it’s good for the soul!
Hi Gala, I am new to your site and I really adore your style. I will be a regular on your site that is for sure. I so love reading this post. I agree that you shouldn’t be afraid to go out dinner alone. I never thought about buying flowers for myself. I think that as a female you really need to love yourself first and know you.. before making that step to dating. Cheers:)
I’m 25, and have never had a boyfriend, and have been happy that way. (Usually, anyway.) However, I never thought to “romance myself” and am finding the idea quite intriguing… I feel I know myself so little, maybe this will help. Your posts are usually really inspiring, but this week every single one seems to be especially so. I often find myself still thinking about posts you did months ago… like the one about changing your name. Well, I have to go. Take care! :)
Oh my god, Gala, I haven’t even finished the blog post because I am open mouthed in shock at how genius this is! Treat myself like I am my dream person! Woooooow. So simple! So effective! The answer to all self-esteem issues everywhere? Quite possibly. Also I too am not at the significant other stage yet but some romance might be nice. Ha!
Also not only have I not finished reading the post but I also have your lovely voice talking in the vintage T-shirts video in the background in a different window. Haha GALA OVERLOAD. Love you. :D
i think this is great. i love that being single is now not only accepted but embraced! i’m somewhat like poochie above: married (though not for ten years!) but still very much in need of ‘me time’ and happy to do things alone.
i didn’t have any serious relationships til i was 18 or 19 and so i did spend a lot of time on my own, getting to know myself. i highly recommend this, although it can be lonely at times. going to the movies by oneself can be very liberating!
i also love the quirkyalone dealio, i hope that i am a quirkytogether :)
Such a great article Gala! I love the quote you started with. It shows how the world has changed thru the years. Like a bunch of people above me,I too, am single. Even though I’m only 18, I’ve been single going on 4 years now. I never understood why all my peers dated all the time. I am still trying to figure myself out, so I know what I want in a relationship. For example-I really dislike pda and messy french kisses. I prefer to show someone I care with hand holding and other gestures.It’s a slow process, but I am getting more confident about going on dates again slowly.
and journaling is seriously helping me survive college and learn so much more about myself. Libraries are also a great place to browse and get good “me time.”
As you can tell by this huge comment I realy loved this artlce. :) hugs!
thank you so much for writing this =]
I’m in a relationship actually but I still deal with self-esteem issues quite often. I’m away at college and my boyfriend is 6 hours away and I’m trying to figure out who I am right now. I think this enire list is a perfect idea to finally figure out [or get an idea] of who I am. Your blog is always inpsiring!
This is a really superb article… I have always thought that this is what I needed to do, but never really knew how to go about it.
Also, this is the first time I’ve given your website a commment, but I’ve been reading it for awhile, and it’s really good. All of your articles are useful, and I like your writing style a lot.
thanks!
AMEN denise for posting for quirkyalone!
i love that site, not to mention this post!
genius genius genius!!
i’ve basically followed this ideal for most of my life. it’s such a happy way to live. why be upset and lonely when you could be out there living it up and “rocking the single” as you said? who knows? you could meet the perfect person while doing just that. :)
as always, love your posts Gala!!
If only I could drill this kind of wisdom into certain people’s heads…
I’m 21. I’ve never been in a relationship, never held hands, never even been kissed, and yet I’m happy!
Learning to be my own best friend has basically saved my life. I’ve been dealing with chronic illnesses (mind and body) for 8 years. Being ill is no fun at all, let me tell you that, and my social life is a mess…but instead of moping, I take advantage of all the free time!
I read, I paint, I collage, I make pots of tea (I have 20 varieties to get through!), make zines, watch films, and I have way too many journals.
I know close ones who have trouble getting through life without a partner, and it’s awful watching people share their lives with people they don’t like, because they can’t handle the idea of being alone.
And as for the “what about when you’re old and gray?”...I’ll have my friends and a housefull of cats to keep me company!
What damn good advice!!! (Hello by the way!!!)
Even if you’re not single, this can be applied to when your loved one/partner is out of town for a while or you just need some alone time. A lot of people become reliant on their partner and lose sight of who they are as an individual ergo behaving like a singleton from time to time will help you get back to your roots!
this is pretty cool.
this is something i definitely need ~