Visiting A Mall
[ 4 March 2007 ]
We all have to do it at some point — to go to the supermarket, spend a Borders voucher or make the most of a sale.
However, there is no denying that a shopping mall is one of the most hellish places on earth. Miles of shiny linoleum, epilepsy-inducing lights, & of course, the other patrons. Oh, the other patrons! In their too tight, muffin-baring attire, one could almost feel sorry for them. But one doesn’t. Often, one wants to bludgeon to kill.
Here, then, is how to survive a mall outing:
Always make an effort.
Just because you know everyone else there is going to look like an uncouth slob is no excuse to stoop to their level — & in fact, if you do buckle to the comfort of your favourite tracksuit pants, you will feel just as horrific as the rest of them. Wear a dress, heels & make-up if you must. It’s always better to be over- than under-dressed, my lovelies.
Wear sunglasses.
The only thing worse than actually going to a mall is running into someone you know there. Then you have to do that awkward oh-how-was-your-weekend? dance, which nobody enjoys. If you’re wearing sunglasses, you can pretend you never saw poor Betty & her three drooling children, & simply glide on past, incognito.
Be efficient.
Be organised — before you get there, work out what you need & where you’re going to have to go. For the truly anally retentive, plan out a map from the carpark to the stores you need. If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to get in & out within half an hour. Stick to absolute essentials — this will save you time & money. Don’t be tempted to gawk in the windows of other stores, walk briskly up elevators & for god’s sake don’t go for an ice cream! Your life is too magnificent to be spent in a mall. Make it snappy!
Take a bag.
A handbag or backpack will do — & make it a decent-sized one, if you will. Don’t take a plastic bag from the shop you’re in, just put your new purchase in the bag you brought with you. Be good to the environment, okay?!
Listen to music.
If you really want to avoid the whole scenario, do your supermarket shopping with a pair of headphones on & your favourite music playing. This can be great if you have one mp3 player, a double headphone jack, two sets of headphones & two people — though you need to have similar taste for it to work! You will also get weird looks but we’re used to that, right? (Remember to take off your headphones when speaking to people. Being rude is passé.)
Be kind to the sales assistants.
They don’t enjoy being there any more than you do, & while you might loathe your 45 minutes of flickery lights, they’re probably being subjected to 8 hours at a time, several times a week. They also have to deal with the aforementioned slobs. If you’re wearing sunglasses, take them off. Smile at them & be as polite as you can be. They will appreciate it.
If all else fails, breathe deeply, pretend you’re in Paris & practice your gliding.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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:) great article! I’m ashamed to say that I do work in the mall- the worst part about malls is the fact that there is no sunlight. ..ever. I wander in happily on a sunny day, and thats it. no windows for which to see the glorious sun, and by the time I leave its dark and I feel a bit like a creep who just wasted half her life selling over-priced clothing to snotty teenagers.. but enough about that…
It’s true people, you SHOULD be nice to us poor (literally, minimum wage isn’t so great) sales associates!
Hey, Lumière is my middle name!
I know your pain, I used to work in a mall myself (I managed a Lush Cosmetics shop). The lack of sunlight is such a killer, I used to go & sit in a park on my lunchbreaks just to get my Vitamin D fix!
I love this article.
Anytime I go to the store, I adorn my giant sunglasses, and my ipod is in my hand. I dislike everyone just in one space. If there was a fire, everyone would panic and die.
“Panic! At The Mall.” Hahaha!
a few malls by me are actually tolerable— suffice to say, i am the equivalent ov a mall tourist. fairlane mall, near detroit, MI, is actually pretty great. :> lots ov levels, and it’s beautiful in there. and so maaaany designer stores. it’s about as safe as walking in the projects though, so it’s only okay to go there around christmas when all the gangs are gone.
i like your tips though~! i will have to use the sunglasses one.
Thank you for this. I am in the process of getting rid of my mall job. When I was little I LOVED the mall and the energy there. My mom told me that we would drive by it and I would literally gasp and say “The mall!”. Yeah. Now I hate going.
Anyways, I found your site, and I genuinely love it! I feel like you really know what you’re talking about. Where is Melbourne? I am from Texas.
Hyuju — I like visiting malls I haven’t been to before, but mostly I find them disappointing. They often are more like a marathon of chain stores than an exciting shopping experience! & you have gangs in malls?! That is the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard!
Bailey — I used to love malls too, but age jaded me somewhat, haha. Anyway, welcome! I’m glad you like what we’re doing here. & Melbourne is the second largest city in Australia :>
i might be the only person here who likes malls? haha. i go to sylvia park whenever i can! yay! :)
When I started working for Lush I was working in a store in a mall, and it was dark when I got in and dark when I left in the evening, so I never got to see the sunlight at all! Now I work in a (Lush) shop on the high street so it’s not so bad, nice big windows and lots of sun!
I work at a mall and yes, the lack of sunlight is really annoying…
I love the “pretend you’re in paris” bit!