We Are Becoming The Men We Wanted To Marry
[ 23 February 2010 ]
A few months ago, I received this email from Crosby. It was so amazing that it brought tears to my eyes, & I wanted to share it — I was just waiting for the right occasion. I think this is a perfect illustration of RADICAL SELF LOVE, & radical self love above all else. Thanks so much, girl. You are brave & magical.
From: Crosby
To: Gala
“I’ve listened to Love & Sequins #3, well three times so far, & there are so many lovely nuggets of truth in there. I just had, or am having?, a complete life upheaval, that started with my wonderful, creative, inspiring mom dying suddenly two years ago & have since involved things that would only be pretty in a dark way if Francesca Lia Block wrote about them. However, as I emerged from that time, one of the most significant things that happened was that I finally was able to say goodbye to a certain boy I had been in love with for the better part of a decade. I think that losing my mom and understanding loss and grief in such an intimate way enabled me to be able to finally and firmly walk away from a situation that did not serve or support me. I had this realization one night that I no longer had to wait, that I loved me now, and that love was stronger than the promise of what might someday come to be. Totally cliche & yet no less meaningful when it finally happened one night.
“So anyway, I just turned 30 & after a year of having my concepts of family, love & all the rest really turned upside down, I decided I wanted to do something, a sort of celebration & commitment to myself, to affirm that no matter what happened, or who left or died or wouldn’t or couldn’t show up in relationship with me, blah blah blah, that I was committed to being all of those things, mother, lover, best friend etc, for myself. So I bought myself a tiny diamond ring, went to the lovely self-realization gardens here in San Diego & quietly spoke the vows I wrote out loud to myself, looking out over the ocean, in one of my prettiest dresses.
“& now I have this ring on my finger that reminds me that I am in control of my experience & my life, & that I am my own partner. When I was putting the whole little idea together, I was reminded of the Gloria Steinem quote, “We are becoming the men we wanted to marry,” but it’s more than that (not sure where I sit on the whole traditional marriage idea anyway) it felt more of a right of passage, like a growing up thing, like a being a woman without a mom to call up on the phone when she is sad or happy thing, like a woman who worried about not being good enough finally looking at that sad, lovely boy & realizing that this wasn’t good enough. It’s said that the original meaning of the word virgin was a woman whole unto herself, or a free woman, not possessed by any man – I felt like I wanted to reclaim that freedom for myself and also that I was no longer exactly the girl I was before and I wanted to honor and acknowledge that for myself in a meaningful way. I know other women have done like entire wedding ceremonies, & knew a girl who had a “shower” for herself where she registered & had a party celebrating her buying her first home, but I just wanted to do something simple with me & me (I’m a gemini so maybe this whole dual me/me thing is a bit easier to visualize!).
“I would love it for this idea of self-marriage, or self-commitments or whatever to make it into your book, because I think while it’s a new idea it’s a pretty powerful one, & fitting given the changing expectations & cultural/personal implications of marriage, & just the ever-changing nature of life itself. It seems like the relationship you have with yourself is really the driver in the quality of relationships you have with others. Two of my friends got tears in their eyes when I told them, as much as for what it meant to me as for their own desire to be able to do something similar, to be able to stare into the mirror or whatever & know that kind of fierce self-love, & I would love for women to consider the fact that they don’t have to wait for this magical relationship to appear, they can, in a way, cultivate that for themselves, in a way that is deeply selfish, in the best way.
“When I do get into a new relationship, which I have a feeling is going to be pretty soon, I know that for the rest of my life, no matter the marriage or partnership or whatever, that I married myself first, & I will use that to guide me in the future, & I think it will make me a better partner.”
Ahhh, Crosby, you are amazing!
Nonpareils, I ask you: What do you think about the concept of self-marriage? Is it something you’d ever do?
Love & love & love,
Tags: inspiration,
the playgirls guide to radical self love Follow me on Twitter! Listen to my latest podcast! Love & Sequins 9: Manifesting & magic-making!
I think this should be every little girl’s dream! To love her self before even thinking about marriage.
I’ve been telling myself and my friends for quite a while now that the only way you can find a happy, healthy romantic relationship is if you can love yourself first. If you don’t know who you are, how can you know what you want from someone else? I don’t believe in a significant other completing you, but being complimentary to yourself.
This also makes me want to post a quote from Hedwig and the Angry Inch.
“It is clear that I must find my other half. But is it a he or a she? What does this person look like? Identical to me? Or somehow complementary? Does my other half have what I don’t? Did he get the looks? The luck? The love? Were we really separated forceably or did he just run off with the good stuff? Or did I? Will this person embarrass me? What about sex? Is that how we put ourselves back together again? Or can two people actually become one again?”
Crosby, I’m so happy for you. That must have been such such an emotionally raw period of your life and it sounds like you’ve emerged a stronger woman. I’m sure your mom is smiling down on you and feeling so proud of her lovely daughter. x
I love it! What a perfect concept.
Women should love themselves wholly.
It is a shame that so many don’t.
Thanks Crosby and Gala for radical self love.
What a beautiful experience this must have been for her! This brought tears to my eyes as I visualized the love and strength that it must take to look inward for that love and complete joy that you can only give yourself. Thank you for sharing this :)
Definitely! Part of my totem is a cute leaf-shaped ring that I wear on my ring finger… I don’t need anyone to buy me a ring! I’m all that I need! :)
this is such a lovely and overwhelming story.. I love it entirely. I really appreciate crosby for sharing this with you gala, and you for choosing just the right time to post this.
I got myself away from a man that did not complete me, and I still talk to him almost every day, and every day I feel haggard advicing and telling him what is best, every day we talked about the same problems and what not. And none of the things makes me happy.
I might just do exactly what crosby did, marrying myself and loving myself entirely, treating me well first then treating others well.
“It seems like the relationship you have with yourself is really the driver in the quality of relationships you have with others. “
I’ve put others before myself ever since I could ever remember, I give in and let them had everything. which makes me entirely unhappy.
Thank you thank you thank you, for giving this enlightment to me. I’ll have to remember to love myself before loving others.
OOh and crosby and I share a gemini sign :D
thanks gala :D
Darling,
I just posted this “I ME WED” link on Twitter. Lovely fantastical stuff from Rob Bresny. Rad.
www.freewillastrology.com/beau…
I will never forsake, betray, or deceive myself.
I will always adore, forgive, and believe in myself.
I will never refuse, abandon, or scorn myself.
I will always amuse, delight, and redeem myself.
Beauty and truth and love will always find me.
xo
Left my fiancé in 2003. It wasn’t easy to quit him. Bought a little diamond ring for myself, just like Crosby, thinking, “I don’t need a man to have a diamond.” It was metaphysical, symbolic — not just material. Now some ask, “Who gave you that ring?” and I’m proudoro say I saved up and gave myself this gift of independence…
Say “I do” to you!
I love the idea of self-marriage, even as an already married lady!
I think a lot of what makes it seem like such a good idea (to me) is that it would help in getting over the idea that loving yourself and putting yourself first is selfish. It’s totally not…in fact, it’s kind of necessary for happy survival! (or the survival of happiness?)
I think self-love, especially as Crosby has realized it for herself, is so very important. There is great pride and strength that comes from knowing you can depend on yourself. That you can accomplish the things you want to do and the, if you do find someone you love as well, that you can bring this love, completeness and strength to the relationship. It also helps you to recognize that person if or when they arrive and gives you that ability to say yes or no to the relationship.
It doesn’t mean you never trust or compromise to work together but it does mean that you know when you are compromising in a good way (finding good middle ground) or if you are compromising what you want, need or believe in.
Left my fiancé in 2003. It wasn’t easy to quit him. Bought a little diamond ring for myself, just like Crosby, thinking, “I don’t need a man to have a diamond.” It was metaphysical, symbolic — not just material. Now some ask, “Who gave you that ring?” and I’m proud to say I saved up and gave myself this gift of independence…
Say “I do” to you!
wow. i can not tell you how timely this is for me at this point in my life. i was having a moment – a sad, sad moment. but now, i know that it is all good. thanks for sharing this powerful email.
I do not like the idea of marriage in general but I am absolutely in love with the idea or self-marriage.
I love it! Brilliant!
I love this. I think every woman should stop and make a commitment to love and care for herself because there won’t always be someone else to fall back on. I’m kind of dating myself and taking myself on adventures this year because dudes have been disappointing lately. I don’t have the time to wait for someone to show me a magical life – I can do it myself!
Wow just what I needed. I love this. “I am my own partner.” That’s exactly where I am right now and it’s exactly where I need to be.
Wow – so amazing. Crosby (rock on oh-fellow-gemini) so thankful you wrote this, and Gala thank you for posting! Timing is amazing as I just shipped out some rings, last night, that a best friend asked me to make for the exact same reason. Love!
dunno if my comment went through..anyway, I just wanted to say that I’m a Christian, and love this blog. People are truly more alike than they are different. Just wanted you to know you have some of those readers, Gala!
Mark 12:31 says we are to love our neighbors as we love ourselves- meaning people can’t truly love people until they fully and truly love themselves. Self marriage is a fantastic idea.
Hi!
I’m a little shy so have not commented before but I was dragged out of lurkdom by this post.
Not to be dramatic cos I’m usually not but I cried in my car today out of sheer gratitude for my life (triggered slightly by a really beautiful song)
The thirties are so great right? I really feel that I am at a point now where I have a measure of control over the parts of my life that I need to have control over and the rest is…..ah well, we will see what happens! I like my own company, I follow fashion but tailor it to what suits me, I read, eat and watch what I know stimulates me and nourishes me, I am a sensual person with or without a partner, I earn my own money….I love me so much!:)
Just started seeing someone new recently so if that works out thats great but you know what? If it doesn’t I’ll still be awesome! Now I just need to buy the ring;)
Thanks for the inspiration
xo
okay I REALLY needed this today. Lovely, and makes me feel a lot better.
I wonder how life would be different if instead of young girls visualizing their marriage with a perfect man, they instead envisioned their perfect self? It’s an interesting concept to think about 5-year-old girls in white dresses with their mom’s jewelry and plastic tiara, walking down the hallway, and instead of saying ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’ saying, ‘I’m a famous astronaut, and I have a two story house with 3 dogs and a cat, and lots of friends and…’
Nothing against dreaming about traditional marriage, but its fascinating to think about.
Gala, could that be any more perfect for the world.
I am so happy for Crosby that i did tear up a little.
If only more people could realise that they are all they need.
The other week I went out to the jewellers and bought myself a gorgeous sterling silver ring with a little cz heart as my RSL totem. I wear that on one hand, and the ring that my boyfriend gave me on the other.
Woops, my blog isn’t myolivelie, its Myolivelife! Silly typos.
wow, timing. i needed this today (have been thinking about this all day, culminating from some pretty miserable spinster talk and a horrible dream about a wedding…)
radical self love, self-marriage, acceptance, whatever. you are the best (and only) you you have.
i love you for this, gala. there should be more of this in the world: more love, more positivity, more acceptance, more truth. we should sing sweeter and shout louder and start to drown out the lies of not good enough unfulfilling more inferiority shame labels that this world is so keen to pin on us when we’re barely out of the womb.
we are all “children of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars”...
shine brightly xx
Crosby and Gala –
THANK YOU! I can’t even fathom how many people you just helped out (including myself). Life can be tough sometimes and i’m trying to practice my karma in every good way possible but I know that i definitely don’t rate myself first in life. I need better for me, and i can’t depend on someone else to come and fill the holes. this idea of self-marriage is different but beautiful… this whole post has definitely made it to my favorites and i will be writing up some vows for myself soon.
xoxo
I love this, If I did this before I got married, I probably wouldn’t get going through a separation. Thank you so much for sharing Gala. Lots of love
This is such a great uplifting way to self-love Crosby. Coming out of a 16 year relationship with someone, who is so out of touch with his own feelings, that he has the need to control and belittle others, this really hits home. I lost my Mum 6 years ago and I still miss her everyday, she was such an amazing woman. So I think that knowing, loving and enjoying yourself is majorly important before you begin to love anyone else and give yourself to anyone else. I am starting to love myself again, it feels good and totally empowering. Maybe I need to put a ring back on my finger from me, as I have been taking everyone else’s off!
Nice… so if you build your light inside then you will shine out into the world haha :D
This has struck a chord with me in a way that is hard to describe. I think I have just had an epiphany regarding #radicalselflove.
Thanks Gala & Crosby
x x x
As if I didn’t already look forward to coming here. This entry is absolutely perfect for this moment and was just what I needed to read right now. It all starts with radical self-love.
“I had this realization one night that I no longer had to wait, that I loved me now, and that love was stronger than the promise of what might someday come to be.” This is my mantra for today. Thank you, Gala and Crosby!
A great reminder that until one can fully walk the road in wholeness, a partner search is just a lovely & frustrating distraction.
This is seriously amazing. I agree 100% with the entire thing.. it makes me so sad when people destroy themselves because they aren’t in a relationship or aren’t getting married when they’re “supposed to”. What is making women think that our entire self worth is the person we commit ourselves to? Having realized this only last year really, I have entered into the best relationship in my life (besides the one with myself) where things are truly equal and just fun! I think a lot has to do with the fact that although I am IN LOVE with my girlfriend, if it were to end – I would be okay and this has made everything so much more light hearted and just fun.
It’s an amazing realization to have. Knowing that you really will survive and that amazing things will happen because you let them.
That’s absolutely beautiful and spot on! I think, as “virgins” or young girls we all have this sort of commitment to ourselves. I know I did – I never dreamed of marriage or being a mother, but rather of living my devoted to my dreams (which mainly consisted of travel at the time).
Somewhere along the way, we’re made to lose this. I think it’s wonderful that she was able to find it again, and that you, Gala, are able to help so many along the way!
A ceremony of one sounds like a fantastic way to sort of cement it. I think, for me, it could be a great way to finish radical self love month.
Oh, this was so lovely! It was a great read— though I will admit when I say the photo I thought “OH MY GOSH GALA GOT ENGAGED!” Hehe.
“We are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” Amazing. this whole post was amazing. yes!
This is actually really fascinating. When I first started reading this I was slightly turned off to the idea, in the sense that I think its cool other people would want to do it, but I personally wouldn’t, maybe because I’m in a firmly committed (and happy) relationship. HOWEVER, in saying that, I kept reading and I actually think its a brilliant idea!! Its always said that we need to love ourself before we love others, so why wouldn’t it also be true we need to commit to ourself before we can truly commit to others? In the end, I’ve decided this is a brilliant idea and I think I’m going to do this myself!!
that letter was so touching! i think i’m going to print this out tomorrow and tape it to the inside of my closet. this topic hits so close to home for me. last year i got out of a bad relationship and decided to buy a house on my own. it was the most intimidating yet amazing thing i’ve ever done bc i never thought i could do something like that on my own, and many of my family are upset that i didn’t wait to get married before taking that kind of turn in my life. Crosby’s words and your blog just reaffirm for me that as women, we need to really live & love ourselves & good things will fall into step :) Gala you have the best website!
I have to admit the title made me go “Huh?” for a second there. :)
And anyway, first time commenting! Go me (I’m actually backlogging it through the whole blog! I’m on page…46 or 47 right now I think…)! Cough cough.
But I do like this idea. Since I got into college, I’ve been trying to find ways to express myself and show that I love me more than anything (well…close enough, but you know what I mean). And when I read this, I thought “That’s perfect!”
I gotta prove to myself that I actually DO (I do…I made a joke) wanna marry myself. Though, I think I’m gonna get a necklace for me (I’m afraid of losing rings. Hell, I won’t take my high school ring to my dorm cause I’m afraid I’ll lose it and break my heart [too long a story to go into]). But then it can rest over the necklace that my boyfriend (of almost 2 and a half years) gave me (it’s a key with the shape of a heart and I really do love it! I would have bought it for myself if he hadn’t, which shows he knows me as well as I know myself! ...I know…I’m random), as I think having something proving your love to yourself is just as important as recognizing someone elses love for you!
So yay! Thanks Gala and Crosby!
This is amazing. Clearly, feminism is shifting into a new mindset. In 2010, we are now finally waking up to the fact that we must love, accept and take care of ourselves instead of waiting for our soul mates to come along and sweep us off of our feet. Now, we are living in an age where we see the value of being in love with ourselves and it is a beautiful thing! Thanks for this wonderful piece.
That literally brought tears to my eyes! Such an inspiring idea. I’ve always said I have three best friends, “me, myself and I”. The greatest love you’ll ever have is for yourself and I commend Crosby for putting words to what so many women need to know in their hearts.
i think this is beautiful, but i have to divorce a lot of things i thought were myself (other people influenced my beliefs early) before i can be stable enough. me and me are cool waiting though, a long engagement ain’t never killed anybody.
This article is wonderful, and so touching! It underscores to me the value in discovering self-love whenever it’s appropriate for yourself, and in your own time. It’s about realizing you’re always loved, if not by the one you’re in a relationship with, or your friends or family, then by yourself. Every one of us has the power in our hands to take love and channel up into our beings and into our souls. To find new avenues of love.
Gala I’m sure you’ve seen this, but on the off-chance you haven’t I’d like to point you to the TED talk by Eve Ensler called “Embracing Your Inner Girl”, and I think it’s totally relevant. Here’s the link! www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/eve…
That being said, I think it is important that everyone finds their own ritual to commit to themselves. For many of us yes, marriage symbolizes a lifelong commitment and if that attachment and dedication speaks to you then the ritual Crosby described is more than appropriate, it’s powerful.
I personally am a dancer, and as hard as I’ve tried (and no matter how many injuries have tried to stop me) I can’t not be a dancer. Every time I get into that pose or put on those shoes, I think, “this is my time. This is for me.” In a manner of speaking, everyday I connect with my body is my marriage to myself – it’s like a promise. As if I’m telling my own body and soul and heart “I won’t give up on you. I might have every reason to, but I will never throw in the towel.” I say this article is a wonderful reminder – find a way to connect to yourself, find a way to bond with you.
I loved reading this and I can’t agree more— if you ever want to love somebody, you must first learn to love yourself. It reminds me of the idea of self-divinity, a very amazing concept I think (and I can’t resist recommending the book Eat, Pray, Love really quick).
Thank you for sharing this with us, Crosby! Oh, and as an answer to that question: I am most definitely for self-marriage. And though I’m a long way off still, I’m looking forward to loving myself completely. xoxo
This really made me feel so good. I love the idea of marrying your self cos it’s like a commitment to yourself to always love yourself xx thanks for sharing.
* in awe * * tiny tears * I loved reading this… A concrete example and living proof of self love..
I can’t wait to have this kind of relationship with myself… xoxo
This post couldn’t come at a better time for me. My grandfather died almost 2 weeks ago from cancer. He was the person in my family that had so much love for everyone else, but in a way had so much for himself as well. I’ve been thinking since he passed about love for me and for everyone else. I’m in a relationship that I’ve been in for 2 1/2 years. I keep thinking that I’ve lost myself in trying to be the “perfect” girlfriend for him. I’ve never had much self-love, and this post inspires me to work at it. I’ve noticed that the less love I have for myself, the harder it is for me to love someone else. Although, I tend to put everyone else before myself. I need to change that. Thanks Crosby and Gala!! xo
This is incredibly incredible!
I have recently come to the realization that the concepts I learned in my developmental psych class last semester DO APPLY TO REAL LIFE. Whoda thunk it?
Erikson’s Theory of the Psychosocial Development of man proceeds from the
“Identity vs. Role Confusion Stage” (finding out who one truly, the person you are comfortable being, alone or avoiding the subject and going through life completely confused and uncomfortable)
to the
“Intimacy vs. Isolation Stage” (finding that someone who you can trust and love with your entire, newly-whole, being or becoming a distrustful and lonely person).
Thought dawns on me: we cannot possibly be entirely intimate with others (much less a SIGNIFICANT other) if we do not know and feel comfortable with ourselves. We cannot progress to true intimacy without experiencing and resolving the previous stage.
This has made all the difference in the way I think about my relationship with myself and potential (soul) mates.
This is so inspiring.
I’m in an amazing relationship right now, but I often feel like I need to be careful or I’ll lose myself.
This makes me realize everything’s going to be okay. I’m totally doing something like this. I forget things all the time, and loving myself is probably the last thing on my mind most of the time.
Thank you so much.
Crosby, you inspired me tonight. I’ve been going through these…self-realizations lately and this post was what I needed. I cried. I need to love myself more. I am so worth the fullness of love. Loving myself. No one ever talks about self-love and it’s so important. Thank you, really.
love it! so inspiring.
What a wonderful e-mail. That was beautiful. I really feel like this is something we all need to do—maybe not a ‘self marriage’, per se, but realize that we are the ones who can do all the things we want boys to do. We’re the ones who need to love ourselves more than any human being and treat ourselves as a BFF. This was so inspiring, thank you so much Crosby, and Gala for sharing. =)
This is perfect. I have nothing to add except my unyielding love for Crosby, the darling Gala, and every other woman who reads this article. Girl power!
Wow, that is really excellent.
What a woman!
Congratulations to her.
And what a great partner she will attract, if that’s what she wants.
Beautiful! I needed this today. No matter what my loved ones do I am still amazing! I have a purpose & no one can replace me!
I would totally do it without a second thought. It’s like… realizing what you’ve been waiting so long for, ever since a child. :]
when I got divorced about a year and a half ago, I started wearing an old ring of mine on my ring finger. A new friend asked me what the significance of it was, and I told him that I was married to myself. I didn’t understand fully what I meant at that moment, but after a bit more time, I did! I needed that level of self-dependence, for lack of a better phrase, of self-love and a knowledge that everything would be okay because I had made the decision for it to be. Thanks for this, Gala, it reminded me to stay true to where I am! Hope to see you in Austin, P
So fantastic! thanks Crosby and Gala! I got little goosebumps reading the lovely letter and the wonderful comments. My grandma gave me her engagement ring a few years ago and I love it so much: it is inscribed “from Pat to Shirley 1945”.
I have always wanted to wear it but thought I should wait until I was proposed to. Now, I might just put it on!
:D
That was a really beautiful post.
This is one of the most romantic ideas I’ve ever come across. To be honest, it has been something I have toyed around with for quite some time – although sometimes I’m scared about wearing a ring on my ring finger, because I do want to marry a man and have a beautiful family. But perhaps I’ll buy myself a right hand ring. Something beautiful. Be my own wife.
This is beautiful and so inspiring! I think loving yourself first is the key to any great relationship!
But, you all know that! Love you Crosby and good for you!
This is quite beautiful and I hope that this is read by all women. I know too many of my female friends who are so obsessed with their unhealthy relationships to realize that they need to love themselves first and cultivate that before committing to someone else.
I love this. It’s like looking into the most beautiful fairy tale mirror you have ever seen and then seeing a “part” of yourself on the other side that you have only been at best acquaintences with but now you are instantly best friends with. I don’t know if I like the idea of marriage at all but everyone can have their own way of performing this sort of ritual ;) for their own radical self love, life changing experience.
Thank you for posting this. Exactly what I needed.
Sounds like exactly what I wish I could do. I, I, I wanna be wild! I want to live my life the way that I want. Just really wanna have some fun, to be on the run. I’m gonna be selfish, I’m gonna be wild I will do anything, act like a child….
There’s just one problem. My boyfriend. Our relationship is getting bad but I think he would be really sad if I broke up with him, we live next door to each other and have a cat together and I still want to be best friends. Basically I want to be free to experience lots of people and I don’t want to be tied down, oh no what can I do???
This makes perfect sense. The relationship you have with yourself is the only one that is guaranteed to last forever, so why not make a “til death do us part” commitment to yourself?
This is beautiful. Self-marriage sounds like an amazing idea, and one that should be embraced more.
What a great article, hopefully one day I will have enough self-love to do exactly that.
I think about it all the time. No one is ever going to love me, look after me, or know me as well as I can do it myself. I realise more and more that I am my own partner in the present and in everything I will ever do and I will never hold myself back.
That is so BEAUTIFUL.
This is beautiful!
I’ve always firmly believed in needing to be in love with yourself before you can be in love with any one else. I remember looking into the mirror and going “You’re amazing dammit!”, but I’ve never thought about “marrying” myself. Thanks so much Crosby for this extra dose of self-lovvin, you’re amazing!
This is beautiful and resonates with me a lot. I am at the stage of dating myself at the moment. Part of learning to fall in love with myself after so many years of hating on different (or the whole) parts of me and abusing myself in different way.
Now I choose to romance myself.
aww this makes me think of an article i read once that i just had to copy down for future men i meet! they seem quite reasonable. ( i apologize for making this so long)
I want a guy who isn’t made up of excuses.
I want a guy who wants to spend alone time with me, that doesn’t include sex.
I want a guy who notices all the little things and cares about the little things.
I want a guy who is willing to sometimes sacrifice and compromise
I want a guy who isn’t chatting up women every time I’m not around.
I want a guy who won’t cheat on me.
I want a guy who isn’t a coward
I want a guy who will talk problems through before an argument occurs.
I want a guy who is honest about anything and everything.
I want a guy who is a gentleman…a real gentleman not those that go around saying they are when it suits them then change back into a jerk.
I want a guy who is actually listening to what I say instead of thinking ‘I just want to get laid…or wow boobies’
I want a guy who will give me security.
I want a guy with a sense of humor….that doesn’t go too far.
I want a guy who thinks I’m worth more than a fumble in the dark.
I want a guy who likes to cuddle, likes to be close.
I want a guy who makes me feel special.
I want a guy who can show what being in love is instead of just saying it.
I want a guy who for once will finally act upon what he says he will do…and keep promises.
I want a guy who will want to know every little detail about me….instead of me just wanting to know all about him.
I want a guy who is polite to everyone.
I want a guy who is responsible.
I want a guy who will stick around once they’ve had me and seen me in everyway that I am.
I want a guy who means what he says and isn’t just saying it because he thinks that’s what I want to hear.
I want a guy who will notice all the things I do to make myself perfect for him so he won’t be tempted to go elsewhere.
I want a guy who won’t let me down.
I want a guy who can keep secrets.
I want a guy who doesn’t make every personal aspect of our relationship public to all of his friends.
I want a guy who won’t run away from problems.
I want a guy who won’t avoid me or push me away.
I want a guy who for once doesn’t talk about the future as if we’re going to break up.
‘i.e. when we break up blah or when this happens we’ll have to break up blah blah….oh well we might not be together then blah blah blah’ It’s not a good move. I’ll just do for now eh?
I want a guy who will not get plastered around me if he has learnt this makes him a nasty bastard towards me.
I want a guy who will not constantly bring up his ex’s from the past throughout the whole of the relationship.
I want a guy who will be there for me.
I want a guy who likes to make up after arguments instead of ignore the fact they happened.
I want a guy who doesn’t take me for granted.
I want a guy who gives 100%
I want a guy who is himself..and doesn’t put on an act around me.
I want a guy who will do something because he wants to, not because I ask him.
I want a guy who is fair.
I want a guy who isn’t sexist, prejudice, racist or narrow minded.
I want a guy who shows respect.
I want a guy who doesn’t try to rub other women in your face to make you jealous.
I want a guy who doesn’t go on about what his ideal woman looks like to the point where you try to change yourself.
I want a guy who loves me, for who i am and everything about me.
I want a guy who will let me love him.
I want a guy who after being with him for years is still into me.
I want a guy who makes love on occassion instead of just sex.
I want a guy who cares about my day and asks me how i am and lets me know if he’s missed me.
I want a guy who stick with me through rough times.
Wow, amazing synchronicity. Last night I wrote down ‘have a ritual of commitment to my Inner Artist Child’ as one of the kind, generous things I would do for myself this week. (A task from the fabulous book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, highly recommended and relevant to the topic of radical self love!) And WHAM! There’s an article by Gala about self-marriage, and a ritual by Rob Breszny (as Danielle already mentioned) delivered to my inbox.
If the Universe loves us, why shouldn’t we?!
Wow wow wow! I’ve been a long time reader but never commented, not even when RSL month started. This just made me come out of the shadow. I actually did this last week.
On Feb 12th, to be exact. I’d been thinking about radical self-love for a while, and this month with you all came up very timely. So last week I decided I’d marry myself, also inspired on something I’d read on Sara Beak’s Red book.
Cooked my favourite meal, played my favourite playlist, bought myself flowers, read the vows out to myself, got myself a rose-quartz heart-shaped pendant and then went for a walk on the beach and spent a lovely afternoon on my own. It was an amazing day.
I actually used my RSL bible to write down my vows, if you’re curious they’re something along these lines:
“Sally, I’ll never abandon you, no matter what or who comes into my life. I will stay conscious and nourish my power, my truth, my joy.
From this day forward you’ll never be alone.”
I know it can sound a bit schizo to some people, but this really made a difference for me, it’s comforting to assume that comittement, like Crosby said. So I totally recommend it girls! have a nice ceremony with yourselves!
Thanks Gala, for all the years of inspiration. Lots of love, Sal
This is SUCH an inspiring article. Crosby has proven how necessary it is to love yourself in order to be truly happy. This article has inspired me to make some radical changes in my life.
I think the idea of self-marriage is a great one. There is no one stronger, more capable, more loving than someone who is both comfortable and committed to themselves. Far better a fantastic, strong, loving person who knows who they are than a fragile being that is dictated by other’s whims! Fragile beings – I know it’s hard… but take note! Strong women – Acknowledge your true selves! You are far more capable of loving someone when you love yourself.
I’m glad you shared this, it’s such a beautiful story! I feel like traditional marriage is an outdated concept these days, even though I had the same dreams of finding that person who adored me and treated me like a princess and have imagined what my wedding would look like and all that. But yeah, it’s so so so important to love yourself first, to figure out your life dreams first before you can have a healthy relationship with another person who fits into your dreams and morals and way of life. If only we were taught in schools about all this! I’m just figuring it out these last few years.
Self-marriage sounds like a brilliant way to make a commitment to yourself to treat yourself well throughout your life, the way you’d want to be treated by your dream partner. And not settle for less from anyone else :)
I love that idea!
What better way to love yourself! x
That was really inspiring <3
That was amazing.
There is a myth that humans were once strong, powerful beings of duality- one head but four arms and four legs; some were some were male-male, some were female-female and some were a combination of male and female. And Zeus, believing these humans were insolent and too powerful, seperated the dualities thus creating male and female. Each entity was set out to learn humility as they try and find their other half otherwise they would suffer loneliness.
www.anselm.edu/homepage/dbanac…
I love the idea of self-marriage because it rises above these dualities and rituals are very powerful things. Self-marriage, to me, is a way of attaining the utmost harmony and contentment within yourself and thus not falling into parasitic relationships with others by expecting them to make you feel something only you can make yourself feel (and vice versa). In other words, being with another person will never ‘complete’ you if you do not accept love from yourself first.
Getting married is standing in front of the whole world telling it about your love, that is so amazingly beautiful that there will never be anything like it. There is nothing more powerful than love and never is that more true than when it comes to real self love.
Marry yourself and do it in exactly the way that celebrates you the best, be it a ceremony in the Catacombs underneath Paris, a castle in Scotland or a club in Vegas.
That is so completely wonderful. I don’t really have any words. I love this entire idea and all the heart behind it. Ahhh…I just love it. Simple as that.
Wow, I read this first thing this morning. It really has helped my day so far! This idea is really RADICAL SELF LOVE. I think I might just adapt my own version for my own purposes. Thanks for the inspiaration!
Wow. Brilliant. Just brilliant. I’m going to keep this thought in my mind tomorrow and the next day and the next. It’s so beautiful and turned my world around. Thankyou.
I think this is a great idea. Committing to ourselves should be the first step before committing to anyone else. I definitely have the problem of wanting so badly to make everyone happy that I sacrifice my own happiness for them. I need to take better care of myself and remember that what I want is important too, and not rely on others to make me happy. I wanted to share this with everyone – definitely promotes self love!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_qhdP…
It’s part of a 3 part PBS documentary on human emotions. It comes out on Tuesday on DVD. Great stuff!
One of my favorite quotes from the musical/movie “Rent” is,
“You’ll never share real love until you love yourself.”
And reading this made me think of that quote and how many women out there in today’s society hate their bodies and themselves because of media.
I think this whole concept of self-marriage is a wonderful idea, and now that I think about it, I suppose I kinda did a similar ritual when I bought my Pagan Triquetra (Triple Goddess, and Mind/Body/Spirit) ring and started wearing it on my left hand. Although for me it’s more of forming a stronger bond with the Goddess, as well as myself.
The answer is yes! I have been on my own since I was 15 (am 46 YAY!)...left a horrible home life full of emotional as well as physical pain and abuse. That said, I married myself all those years ago when I left all by myself with no real plan except the fierce knowledge that I deserved better! It has been hard but my commitment to myself kept me going and striving for a better life! Life is never perfect but considering where I come from I feel pretty wonderful and am still my first love! Somebody had to love me so I always figured it might as well be ME! Thanks Gala, no matter what your age it is important to reaffirm selflove! Remember to know in your heart that we are all goddesses and deserve the best! Have a wonderful day everyone!
I absolutely LOVE this idea! It’s really impossible to love someone until you can learn to completely love and emorace yourself!
Having a lovely reminder such as a ring, something that shines with hope and is a beautiful reflection of your love for yourself is a fabulous way to remind yourself and to show others your self-love and self-worth.
I think self marriage is probably essential before entering any other kind of union. It sounds like that girl has her head on straight and will make a great partner!
Crosby, you’re a huge inspiration! <3
I think the whole idea of self marriage is brilliant and everyone should do it. It hurts me when I see friends of mine totally wrecked because they just got out of a relationship and they don’t know how to be alone anymore. Alone should be your default state, and you gotta know how to deal with it before you can deal with anything else!
That’s why I don’t do relationships with people who I just KNOW aren’t good for me in any way.
And in two days, I’m getting married to myself on my birthday.
Keep on being awesome, everyone!
xx
I’ve never pictured myself with a husband and children. The idea of playing house has never appealed to me. My reasoning was and still is “who can love me better than myself”. So here’s to realizing you are the best man you will ever find. No one will protect you, serve you and love you better than yourself. I think marriage in any sense of the word – traditional or modern – can only occur when you have been committed into a solid relationship with yourself.
I wrote about this same idea, not particularly marrying myself, but more about accepting the fact that I don’t have a man (well that’s when I didn’t) but I was okay with ME. It was a glorious feeling as I wrote to declare love and happiness against society’s slave inducing thoughts.
I remember when I posted a blog about not having a man and being okay with it and my cousin IMed me and told me I’m a loser, I’m pathetic and it made me smile because…I’m free of the troubles that women have to be faced with. I’m glad I’m the man I want to marry. Here’s to being free, ferocious and able to put a ring on it: dendoo.wordpress.com/2009/06/0…
Wow! I am completely inspired. Crosby said so many things so close to my heart. So many things I need to realise for my self and my son. Thank you for sharing this beautiful letter with us. It really touched me.
Wow! That struck a chord with me. Brill idea.
Bravo to this wonderful gal! What an amazing story she has, and tremendous strength!
Fantastic. I’ve long hated the phrase, “you complete me” for relationships. WRONG. Learn to be a complete person first and you’ll attract the right kind of people. Learn to be okay whether you’re with something or not. Quit having your life defined primarily by the people in it (though they will definitely have a part!)...instead, be confident in the person you are.
It’s good stuff. Thank you!
This could not have come at a better time. I recently just got out of a two year relationship, and I have really been beginning to question my self-confidence etc. My ex treated me like a complete doormat, and I allowed him to because I was so caught up in trying to be the woman that he wanted me to be. He ended it horribly and now he keeps trying to get in contact with me, trying to be friends. Today was one such day in which my day started with a text from him, which put me into such a horrible, self-loathing mood. But then I came on here, and read this, and once more this blog manages to save the day :)
I need to start putting myself first. I need to stop settling for these guys who just aren’t worth my time. I need to start loving myself. Why waste your time searching for someone when you can just have an intense love affair with yourself?! :)
This has really helped me, and has given me the strength to see that my ex does not deserve my friendship. If he treated me that badly when I was his girlfriend, then what makes me think that he will begin to start treating me better as a friend? I am completely cutting contact and just moving the hell on, with my one true love – me, myself and I.
Thank you so much Gala and Crosby!
Crosby
That is one of the most emotionally intelligent, from the heart, put your everything where your heart, head and entire self is I have ever heard.
You are an incredibly inspirational woman.
“I know that for the rest of my life, no matter the marriage or partnership or whatever, that I married myself first, & I will use that to guide me in the future”
As someone that is married to a man – mostly really happy but we’re talking about humans here so we have our ups and downs – I do recommend weddedness if you think it might be your thing but those reasons are for another day.
But, what struck me is your commitment to honour yourself is so important. Even if you do marry someone else (as well as you!) because love and respect start with yourself, and if you always have those personal promises to come back to, I doubt you can go wrong.
You are brilliant!
Things I’ve learnt:
1. You have to be ok with yourself before you can share yourself in a relationship. I didn’t quite get the concept of sharing until I was living with my bf.. You have to be aware of boundaries and routines you have so you can enforce them from the start. For example: Showering at night is relaxing time for me, washing away work stress and preparing my senses for sleep. So I did not appreciate him being in the bathroom, telling me about his day. I used to be really grumpy for the rest of the evening and I couldn’t figure out why, until one day I snapped and screamed at him to get out.. He was very hurt and never intended to cross the boundaries.. Lesson learned.
2. That you cant have a ‘list’ of qualities for a potential partner if you, yourself dont have the same qualities. for example: You cant wish for a partner that is good with money, keeps themselves fit and healthy, and is honest, if you don’t do those things yourself.
3. Pick/plan your battles!!! If you have a negative thing that’s really grinding your gears and your thinking about telling your partner how you feel, make sure you have a positive thing to balance it out.. (Im not sure how to word this in an real-life sentence because I would say it all backwards even if I tried to plan it..)
Thank you so much Gala for posting this article..
I am so lucky to be only 21 and learn such valuable life lessons.
amazing and inspirational
so touching something to live by
Even as a married person, I agree that you must be a whole person and love yourself before you are capable of loving someone else. While I think I always knew I’d get married and have been surrounded by long marriages all my life (parents 30 years, grandparents 50 years), deep down I thought the concept was ridiculous and fradulent. It took me some time to accept that I could be true to myself and be married and have the family that I knew I wanted. Like so much of life, marriage is tough and having a child is even tougher. You have to be true to who you are and to your spouse and that is NOT EASY. The best advice is to present the real you to any potential partner and in order to that, you must find out who that is!!!!
One of the best realizations I ever had was that in order to have happy, healthy relationships of any kind — with family, with friends, with lovers — I had to be a whole, independent, self-sufficient person first. Always trying to fill the gaps in myself with someone else just wasn’t ever going to work. I’m now married to a man with the same philosophy — that we each need to be happy, fulfilled individuals to have a strong and healthy partnership — and it’s better than I ever imagined. So hooray for us all!
Best radical self love:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xY8
wow…thank you doesn’t really seem to quite cover it. it’s really quite affirming and quite giddy-ifying to see all the conversation, connection and support coming from all of you. i wish i could snap my fingers and create an instant magic party land and invite each of you to come over, eat cupcakes, drink strawberry bellini’s and play. you are all remarkable. xo
This is amazing. It really broke me down.
As a single mom, it’s really tempting to spend time looking for everything in someone else – someone for comfort, someone for money, someone for confidence, someone for security. And it’s so hard to remember that I am all of those things, that I can provide all of those things and more. A ring to remind yourself is such a good idea.
Wonderful. Congrats to Crosby!
Self-marriage is such a wonderful experience, to honor the most important person and your greatest love. I too did it when I turned 30. I bought a beautiful diamond ring (my first) and made a comittment to love myself and be there for myself no matter what. I enjoyed singlehood so much during that time – discovering my Self. Sadly, I got off track when I got married 2 years ago. Not because of my husband, but because I thought how I related to myself had to change. Time to stop being Self-ish. I found myself getting eaten alive by the constant demands of others (husband, children, family), that I thought I needed to put before my own (as a wife and mother). I can’t remember being more resentful and dying to escape as I’ve felt during this time…That’s why this radical self love project means so much – it’s getting me back on to my rails again, to start moving forward to the life of my dreams.
I had a man tell me once, “Anna’s really in a long-term relationship with Anna, and occasionally has an affair with an external entity.”
At the time I think it was meant to be snipey, but I never took it as such. I AM in a relationship with myself, forever and ever, and I cannot sever that relationship. Nor would I want to.
I don’t need a diamond ring or ceremony to remind me of the commitment I have to myself. But to each their own.
As an 18-year-old lesbian woman, this really hit a chord. My self-love is always fluctuating, and sometimes I treat myself very badly. The way I’ve treated myself in the past, I wouldn’t deserve to “marry” myself.
This article makes me want to be a better woman for myself, and for my amazing girlfriend who deserves a beautiful girlfriend inside and out. I want to be that woman.
I Promise Myself: Making a Commitment to Yourself and Your Dreams by Patricia Lynn Reilly is a book of vows to yourself during different times in your life.
That was beautiful, and now I’ve got a wedding to attend tomorrow.
Years ago, I purchased an estate diamond ring for my right hand because it was pretty and I didn’t want to feel like I needed to wait for a man to provide one for my left hand. That very day, flipping through a magazine, I saw a jewelry ad for a “Me” ring on a woman’s right ring finger. “We” is for the left. “Me” is for the right. Though, it was an ad, it was a lovely way of the universe winking at me & telling me I was on the right track.
Crosby’s letter reminds me of this and I admire all the lovelies on this site that are embarking on their own “Me” journey in whatever form seems appropriate for them. Y’all rock, ladies!
this was really nice!!
I think the idea of self marriage is awesome and it’s totally something I could see myself doing(in a few years when I love myself more).