John Galliano Spring 2011.

In what is perhaps the ideal stomper for strawberry fetishists, this very extraterrestrial shoe by disgraced designer John Galliano is unlike anything I have ever seen. Look at that incredible bumpy texture! Don’t you think this looks like the result of what might happen if Alien went strawberry-picking? (Come on, the resemblance is uncanny!) Regardless, it’s a salubrious stiletto for brave souls & gals with gumption!

Miu Miu Spring 2011.

Like a butterfly on methamphetamine, you are so beautiful & so hard to understand. Your pointed toe, strappy multicoloured leather & random cut-outs conspire to make you a true brain-teaser of a shoe. A real whizzbanger! A riddle wrapped in an enigma, wrapped around someone’s foot.

Alexander McQueen Fall 2011.

I don’t think you’re actually supposed to walk in these. I envision a woman with a very tight hair-do standing in the middle of the room, laughing & kissing people on the cheek, but not moving. The party would definitely come to HER — & so you would hope in such an extravagant pair of shoes!

Yves Saint Laurent Spring 2011.

I have an extreme soft-spot for these stingray Tribute platform sandals. Let’s just face it: they are the perfect colour (a divine mix of purplemagentafuchsiaplum), & this is perfectly complemented by the greysilvershimmersparkle platform & heel. The more I look at them, the more they almost seem sane & appropriate for daily wear. HA!!!

Pierre Hardy Spring 2011.

The ultimate summer shoe, this platform wedge by Pierre Hardy reminds me of popsicles, ice-cream trucks & trips to the carnival. It’s loud, colourful & unapologetic, & it showcases my new favourite colour combination: pink & orange! Unfortunately, trying to get your hands on them is harder than capturing Carmen Sandiego. WHY?!

Christian Louboutin Spring 2011.

Oh CHRISTIAN! You can’t DO this to a girl. It is cruel & unusual punishment! How could you create the shoe of my dreams & then sell out almost immediately?! It is probably a good thing for our bank accounts though, no? If you’re feeling the grief as acutely as I am, let’s all close our eyes & take a deep breath. Imagine what it would feel like to frolick down the street with these celestial beauties gracing your toes. Imagine all the people smiling & waving at you… You feel so good. Now! Open your eyes & realise it will never happen, because women like Beyonce & Christina Aguilera probably bought ten pairs each. It’s okay though: those two can rock the shit out of a pair of shoes.

Nicholas Kirkwood Fall 2011.

In contrast to all the other shoes on this page, these almost look sane; normal. They almost look like LIBRARIAN SHOES. Trust me, they are not. They are crazy shoes made from some magical, irridescent animal, with a sci-fi platform & an extremely thin, painful-looking heel. They sure would dress up a pair of jeans. Not that I wear jeans.

Camilla Skovgaard Spring 2011.

You remind me of the Titanic. Maybe because you are enormous & iceberg blue, & the little rivets on the side make me think of portholes. Hopefully though, you will not cause the deaths of hundreds of people. Or, for that matter, even one single person! A murderous shoe?! It’s almost too terrifying to contemplate! Oh, listen to me… I’m just being silly… Ha… ha ha… I hope I didn’t offend you, dear shoe!

(Hide the knives!)

Brian Atwood Spring 2011.

I love these! They walk the line (ho ho, shoe joke!) between being goth & nautical — a tricky line, no doubt! I think Helena Bonham Carter would probably own a pair of these. Rose McGowan too. Hey, remember when you were a teenager & all your idols were kind-of-goth celebrities? That was a pretty rad time.

Sergio Rossi Fall 2011.

Too cute. I love that they’ve used the wedge as a blank canvas — all wedges should do that! Don’t you think? These wedges would be so good with a black dress. Back to gothic teenage Gala for a moment: I used to wear combat boots ALL YEAR LONG because there were no “acceptable” summer shoes. Well, good news, goths! You don’t have to suffer in combat boots all summer any more! Just wear these instead!

Nicholas Kirkwood Spring 2011.

Goths, avert your eyes. You’ve had your moment. Now it’s time for something FROOFY! I love all the ruffles & the light pink suede, it’s quite sublime, but do you know what the best thing is? It’s the shape. The shape & that big honking buckle around the ankle. That buckle means business, & the angular platform takes this shoe from SISSY to SASSY in one fluid movement! Well done, young Nicholas!

Pierre Hardy Spring 2011.

I like a good ankle boot for summer, especially one which gives your brand spanking new pedicure a little peepshow! Simply letting my mind dance around the possibilities (turquoise toenails?!) is almost too much to bear. The ecstasy is irrepressible. So I encourage you to give in to the thrill, & EMBRACE a peep-bootie!

Prada Spring 2011.

I must confess, I am a leeeeeeeeettle over those striped stacked platform Prada shoes. I have seen them in every magazine & I’m just… I’m DONE. Okay? I’m done. These, though? These are like all your fantasies rolled into a shoe. It’s really dated, but in a wonderful way. It reminds me of finally removing my Skechers platforms & becoming almost immediately obsessed with Courtney Love & Marilyn Manson & all things “kinderwhore”. You know?! Don’t even act like you don’t.

Jerome C Rousseau Spring 2011.

These are quite major. (Has anyone come up with a word to replace “major” yet?) I am not really a gladiator sandal kind of girl, but these are too extreme to ignore. It’s like a gladiator sandal got left behind on a subway car in New York City in the 1980s, grew to three times the size (just like the rats… Yum!) & got bombed along the way. These belong on the feet of someone rad.

Fendi Spring 2011.

Interchangeable bows, Fendi? NOW you’re thinkin’! With a choice of clear crystal, goldtone mesh or plain black, now this shoe will truly, TRULY match everything in your closet, making these an exceptionally SMART purchase! You’ll get your money’s worth, by jove! & see that platform? That platform means you can scoot all over town without limping home at the end of it. Let’s all buy them! Let’s buy FIVE pairs each!

Photos from style.com, otherwise known as the lady’s choice for internet pornography!