I was never one of those “horsey girls”. You know, those ones who were NUTS about horses. They read The Pony Club books, had weekly riding lessons & obsessively doodled the likeness of their favourite horse, “Speckle”, in the margins of their math book. Maybe you were one of them! I wasn’t. I never really got it. I liked horses for about a week, before moving onto my obsessions with Al Capone, Boadicea & Jack the Ripper. (Truth!)

Regardless, the Melbourne Cup is approaching. It’s a huge horse race worth millions of dollars. People go along in fancy hats & bet on horses & get sloshed, it’s quite fantastic. Of course, it is not necessary to don a cocktail dress, you can always pay homage in your daily wear.

With that in mind, here are some fabulous ways to accoutre yourselves accordingly. (You may notice a bit of a theme among this collection of items. Leather, buckles, shiny finishes — it’s all a bit BDSM really. To pull off the equestrian look with panache, think more ‘kink’ & less ‘Mr. Ed’.)

Foiled horses t-shirt. Oh, cheer up, sad model! This tee is super-cute & it’s on sale, how could she possibly be upset about it?! I like the colour very much, I have a thing for pale yellow t-shirts, even though they make me look kind of sick & washed out. My loss can be your gain, ladies.

Saddle belt bag. Coolest EVER. Wear slung around your hips for a great unexpected addition to an urban outfit. Or, I guess, if you were home on the ranch, you could fill it with carrots & hay & feed Mr. Chips.

Stallion Charm necklace. If you just want to add a smidgen of equine action to your ensemble, this is the way to go. It’s cool & understated & I like the double-chain.

Frye lace-up engineer boots. These boots are really quite beautiful. They kind of make me drool on myself a little bit. I am sure they are desperately impractical (really, who can be bothered with all those laces?), but I would almost say it’s worth it. These are much classier than your standard million-hole Doc Martens & could be worn in all sorts of situations with enormous flair.

Pringle 1815 twill pleat-front shorts. I was initially turned onto Pringle by my friend Davide who was obsessed with them. (He is currently in London looking for cute boys to kiss, please email me for more information!) Anyway, all of this to say that Davide has great taste, & these shorts make my heart skip a beat. They are SO cute. They would look equally marvellous with the Frye lace-up engineer boots, above, or heels. I can picture them with a stylish vintage t-shirt or a soft flannel shirt. Or maybe just a nice pair of pasties & a riding crop. Ooh la la!

Coco de Mer horsetail corset belt. Blush! Quick, scroll down before your boss sees! Okay, yes, this is a little bit on the risqué side, but it is really a gorgeous piece. I think it could be worn in an extremely high-fashion way by someone with a LOT of confidence, super-high heels & impeccable grooming. Maybe over a crisp white shirt. What say you?

Parker wool fedora. I am mad about hats, & this one is no exception. It’s made from wool so it’s good for you bunnies in the northern hemisphere right now! A fedora looks fabulous with a simple outfit — I’m envisioning this one with a long, white, deep v-neck t-shirt, aforementioned Pringle shorts & Frye lace-up engineer boots. Rawr!

BI LA LI gabardine jodhpurs. Okay, before I begin, WHO decided on the spelling of that word? Jod-h-purs? Argh! Anyway, these are very stylish & I dig the buttons up the front. Also, jodhpurs are in this season, if you’re interested in that sort of thing! Wear with a ponytail & an all-American boyfriend on your arm.

Safari post earrings. Cute little horses to gallop around your earlobe. Neigh!

Alexander McQueen patent corset belt. Um, delicious. Much less kinky than the corset from Coco de Mer, but then, you would expect that. This would be incredible over a slinky black wiggle dress with a pillbox hat (& veil). Kind of like what you would wear to the funeral of your husband if you had murdered him with a pearl-handled pistol.

Miu Miu patent leather gloves. Totally sassy. I love the length, they’d show your wrists & I think that kind of cut is very fresh & young. Gorgeous bow detail. Definitely the kind of thing you would wear until they fell apart.

Pringle cashmere argyle sweater, found on Ebay. It’s definitely the best place for wonderful argyle sweaters! You could go equestrian with this, or you could rock it up by wearing it with skinny black jeans, a red Chanel 2.55 & Christian Louboutins. (Why, yes, I am writing for the child star demographic!)

Vintage Kentucky Derby shirt, found on Ebay. I have wanted one of these for years, mostly because of Hunter S. Thompson (see below). Ebay is always the best place to get them, so keep your eyes open!

The Great Shark Hunt by Hunter S. Thompson is a GREAT book & you should read it! It features many observations on the Kentucky Derby, including The Kentucky Derby Is Decadent & Depraved. We all know a book is the hottest accessory, anyway.

Once you’re properly attired, please proceed to sit on the nearest verandah & get plonkered on Mint Juleps — the official drink of the Kentucky Derby. (10 mint leaves, 1 & a half teaspoons of super-fine sugar, seltzer water, crushed ice, & 2 & a half ounces of Kentucky bourbon whiskey. Mix. Gulp. Repeat.)