Five Fashion Crimes & How To Avoid Them

05. Sheer leggings
I am yet to see anyone make this look good. Anything in a pale colour on the leg makes it look bigger, & when you add translucent material into the mix, it really draws the eye. In a bad way. Yesterday I saw a girl wearing a really short skirt with sheer black leggings — it’s one of the least flattering things I’ve seen in a long time. Just say no.

04. Too much perfume or cologne
Nobody needs a brain full of Eau de Pong when you walk past! It is especially unpleasant when you’re trapped in a confined space & prone to asthma. Unless you’re pulling a Marie Antoinette & splashing on a bit more scent instead of taking a bath, there is really no excuse for this. A couple of spritzes will do you just fine! If you feel like your perfume has worn off halfway through the day, ask somebody what they think — it’s possible your nose has just adjusted.

03. Crocs
It seems bizarre to even have to say this. Crocs are not acceptable in public! It looks like you are walking around in tupperware. I read a “letter to the editor” yesterday from some crotchetty old man saying that he was sick of being berated for wearing crocs & that they were the only thing comfortable enough for him to walk in. That’s fine if you’re ANCIENT but if you’re NOT then get some REAL SHOES!

02. VPL, aka the “Visible Panty Line”
You don’t want your photo here. In case you don’t know what a VPL is, it’s when the shape of your underwear can be seen through your clothing. Men don’t seem to suffer from this for a multitude of reasons, including the fact that their clothing is usually worn loosely, & a lot of men wear boxers or boxer-briefs. Mostly VPL is caused by wearing the wrong sort of underwear in conjunction with trackpants, leggings, or anything else thin & stretchy. It can be avoided by wearing a thong or g-string (but wearing these has been linked to yeast infections, so beware) or going commando (doing this has been linked to Britney Spears & Lindsay Lohan, so beware), but the best solution I have found is to wear boy-short underwear. They’re a relatively new style but they’re very comfortable, come in cute designs & are REALLY sexy (in my opinion). If you’re wearing a skirt, wearing a petticoat underneath it is also a good way to prevent the unsightliness of VPL, but of course the very best way to prevent it is to check yo’ ass in the mirror before you leave the house!

01. Too tight clothing
If in doubt, buy bigger. Even if you have a great body, wearing something skintight is a very effective way of making yourself look frumpy. The main areas you need to look at when you try something on are the armpits, around the bra-line, the stomach & the thighs. If the skin is bulging in any of these places, try a different size. It doesn’t matter how great the item is if it doesn’t fit you!

Extra For Experts:
The Fashion Crimes of Dictators & Despots

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