Last night I went to a lingerie show in a fabulous art deco-style bar. It was quite odd — not at all what I expected, more like a burlesque show than anything else — but it got me thinking about the way lingerie makes you feel. The good stuff can make you feel amazing, while conversely there’s nothing quite as depressing as a pair of faded knickers with the elastic coming out.

Underwear shopping can be great fun, & it’s even better, once you’ve bought it, to parade it in front of your lover or other unsuspecting victim. I suggest sitting them down somewhere — in your house, not a fast food restaurant — putting on some lusty tune (I like Gloria Lewis by Kyuss) & removing your clothes to reveal your newest lacy tidbit. Obviously, this technique is not to everyone’s taste — sometimes it’s good to just run into the living room wearing your new panties, yell something, & run out again. It’s up to you.

When it comes to actually purchasing the stuff, in my opinion, you should always spend as much as you can on bras — primarily because once your boobs start to sag, there is nowhere for them to go but DOWN… & we don’t want that! We have the technology, so make the most of it! Make sure you get your bras FITTED by an old woman with a measuring tape. Don’t be nervous or weirded out, she’s seen it all before! I also suggest trotting along during period week & buying one specifically for that time of the month, since so many women’s boobs change shape during that week. I am perhaps extra-cautious but I like to get EVERY bra properly fitted, & I always ask them to adjust the straps for me. I would just rather they did it — they’re the experts, after all. It’s not that I relish the interactions with the women who do it, it’s just important to me that my boobs are well-supported & I’m in the right size.

It is estimated that between 80-85% of women are wearing the WRONG SIZE BRA! The horror! If you’re wearing bad or inappropriate underwear, you could be wearing Dior & look like Quasimodo. Ill-fitting bras can give you a hugely unflattering line around your back, give the appearance of sagginess or cause the dreaded four-boob. (“No! Not the Dreaded Four-Boob! Anything but that!”) For proof of how much better a good bra can make you look, check out these fabulous bra makeovers by Oprah — what an incredible difference! So, cherish your bosoms & deck ’em out with lace, beautiful fabrics & bows. That’s an order!

One thing you should always think about when you’re buying underwear is how it will look under clothes. If you can’t imagine it, then while you’re still in the changing room, throw your dress back on & have a look. (Don’t forget to take it off & pay for it!) There is some really cute stuff out there, like ruffle-butt or side-tie panties for example, which under clothing looks WRONG. All lumpy & weird, causing a “hey, my butt doesn’t normally look like that!” situation. The same goes for bras. I have some which are beautiful but have a bow on the top of the cup, making me look, in clothing, as if my nipples are severely displaced. Beware the perils of the badly-placed bow! Yarrrr!

While I strongly endorse boosting the economy while simultaneously boosting your bust, I am a total sucker for cheap underpants. (Knickers. “Panties”. Whatever.) I used to go to the children’s department of this chain store in New Zealand called The Warehouse (classy, no?) & buy all manner of knickers for about $1.79 a pop. It made me SO happy. It was cheaper than a bottle of soft drink, for crying out loud. Hard to argue with that! I had yellow ones with blue glittery polka-dots, striped ones (piratey, arrr!), some with a glittery teacup on the hip & one with a crown at the front. Love. Of course, at $1.79, they didn’t last long… but still, I am mad for fun, colourful, inexpensive knickers.

Here are my lingerie commandments. Live it! Learn it!

Always have thy brassieres fitted to you — fear not old women with measuring tapes;

Appraiseth ye olde visible panty-line scenario before purchase;

Boost the economy while boosting your bosom;

Stocketh uppeth on cute, cheap knickers;

Bid a tender farewell to ye olde, faded, stretched-out of shape undergarments.

These are some garments which I would be more than happy to wear under my clothes — or in some cases, instead of.

Anything by Agent Provocateur is pretty hard to say “no” to. This style is called Cookie, & as you can see, it is absolutely gorgeous.

I am also crazy about Etta…

& Gwendoline.

For those of us who aren’t quite pimping enough to deck our halls with boughs of Agent Provocateur, here are some sweet little pieces that shouldn’t break the bank!

Bambi mini by Topshop — £3!

Fairground mini by Topshop — £3!

Silk stripe knickers by Topshop — “…with a silk square in front pouch to write a personalised message”. £30. Strange, yes. I’m trying to think of an efficient use of that message space. It’s your lucky day? Welcome!? Boo!?

Gumball boyshorts from Delia*s! $6.50.

Ice cream boyshorts from Delia*s. Yay! $6.50.

Sparkle & fade silk chiffon slip from Urban Outfitters. $19.99! This would look great with a vintage t-shirt over the top or with a long cardigan & big boots. I adore the colour.

Disney Couture hipster from Urban Outfitters. Also in pink. $14.

Daisy Duck t-shirt also from Urban Outfitters… A nice rendition of the Kubrick ‘Lolita’ cover! Yay! Not strictly lingerie, but shhhh. I wish it wasn’t socially unacceptable to just wear underpants & a t-shirt in public, I think it’s about the cutest thing ever.

Hello Kitty extra-sugar frosty crisps from webundies.com ! $8.50.

Undies by Johnny Cupcakes — $14.99, available in red, black & pink.

Do you have any secret, favourite online sources for great underoos? Share the knicker love!