He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not…
I recently received this email & thought, who better to answer it than all of YOU? You constantly boggle me with your insights, depth, wisdom & compassion, so do you want to give it a shot?!
“My boyfriend for nearly three and a half years has told me that he is no longer sure of his feelings towards me. We have been fighting a bit over the last two months and I put it down to being busy and tiredness, as it is that time of year for us. However, when I asked him if he still loved me, he said he wasn’t sure how he felt and suggested we needed a weekend away together to see how we are and if we fight. We are not living together and work opposite hours, which is difficult, as finding time to see each other can be hard. I have this horrible feeling inside as if we have already broken up. I know we haven’t, but the feeling is hard to shake off. The room we have booked away is lovely with spa bath and king size bed. Should I go into the trip putting what has been said at the back of my mind and enjoy myself and leave the arguing at home? Or is there a better approach, because how do you have a romantic weekend when you know your boyfriend isn’t sure of his feelings towards you?
What advice would you give to this girl?
Here’s what I think.
Yes, you should put the arguments, problems & difficulty to the back of your mind. If you want to scrap it out, you might as well save your money & stay at home! It sounds like the two of you have things to work out, sure, but if you can try to put that aside & just work on enjoying one another’s company, you will have a much better base on which to build.
Put another way: it makes sense to remind yourselves how much you like each other before you decide to dive into repairing whatever needs to be fixed. Otherwise, it’s easy to forget how good it can be when you’re together, & you may feel less inclined to work on it!
People feel unsure of their feelings on all kinds of things all the time, it’s just rare that one person will be brave enough to admit it. If all the two of you have been doing is argue, it’s not surprising that he is uncertain how he feels about you. But the fact that he suggested the two of you go away together is HUGE. From what I can see, it means that deep down, he still loves you, & you are important enough to him that he wants to either fix things or be sure before the two of you potentially make a huge mistake. Don’t take this lightly — it’s like you’ve been given a Golden Ticket. Take it & run with it. Make the most of it.
Spend time together without the television on, lie around & eat & do all those things couples do. Try to rediscover what brought you together in the first place. Talk about where you met, laugh about your first date, & discuss things you want to do in the future.
You might end up talking about some of the problems you’re having, & weird as it might sound, doing that in a hotel room is probably one of the best places you could open a dialogue, because it’s totally neutral territory for both of you. But if you don’t, it’s not the end of the world.
It’s important to remember that your “issues” or whatever will be waiting for you when you get home. Life continues to be the same regardless of whether you’ve been away on holiday or not. But hopefully you will have unearthed what brought you together in the first place, & you will have rekindled some of the spark that made you fall in love in the beginning, & it will give you the collective strength you need to fix whatever is broken.
Et maintenant, nonpareils? What would you do if you were in this girl’s situation?