How To Disguise A Stomach

I was recently asked the following question:

The one problem I seem to have fashion wise is pies. I have eaten a few too many and now have a pie shaped tummy. My major dilemma is my very rude and nosey dad is coming to stay, and in two weeks while I will try hard there will still be evidence of the pie-fest. That all said and done, what would be the best way to go about hiding the tummy? I look forward to your advice.
Miss Pie Muncher

Dear Miss Pie Muncher,

While you could just wear a silly hat to keep him distracted, it’s probably not the best solution. Instead of taking you to task on your tummy, he may take you to the funny farm instead — & I don’t know if today’s funny farms have internet access. So scrap that idea.

The main problem people have when their bellies grow larger than they would like them to is that they keep wearing the same clothing, hoping desperately that either their tummy will disappear or the clothing will stretch or they will somehow obtain a time machine & go back to looking like Denise Austin. You may go back to your original size, & if so, good for you — but in the meantime, you still need clothing that fits you. Bite the bullet, & go shopping.

Things to remember:
Emphasise your good parts! If you have nice shoulders, hair or legs, show ’em off & play ’em up.
Don’t wear low-riding pants! They are not flattering on most people, & look even worse if you have a belly. You will be a victim of the dreaded “muffin“.
Avoid anything skin-tight, shiny (attracts attention) or clingy around the stomach area.
Empire-waisted dresses or tops will look great on you.

The simple fact of it is that if you wear clothing that is slightly too big for you, you will look as if you’ve lost weight. If your clothing is a bit small, you are going to look like you’ve gained. Keep this in mind!

Anyway, the number one super-spy weapon in belly disguise is a pair of Magic Knickers.

Okay. I know you’re cringing. They are not sexy — but who cares! You’re not going to be seducing your dad, right? Okay, then shush. Go & buy a pair. Trinny & Susannah of What Not To Wear fame absolutely RAVE about these. You can judge all you like but without these, your belly will be an obvious pie repository! Take the plunge! In other news, you may also notice that those underpants are 30 pounds, which is slightly extravagant. Check out The Magic Knicker Shop (seriously), or the lingerie section of your local department store.

Eat lots of vegetables, do hundreds of crunches, don your magic knickers & rock it! Best of luck, my pie-eating friend!

P.S. If he has the cheek to say anything, tell him to go to hell!