How To Perform A Striptease!

‘Tis the season to be jolly… & why not be jolly while you take your clothes off?!

Why should I do it?
Well, why not?! But if you really need rationale, how about… because it’s sexy? Because it’s fun? Because it makes life more exciting? Because it’s harmless? Because your lover will be reminded how amazing you actually are? Because it’s liberating? Because you can?

Where do I begin?
There are two possible methods to start with. The first one is the deliberate tease — where you call or email or write your lover a note ahead of time & tell them what’s in store. Not explicitly; being subtle & dropping a few clues is sexier than just saying, “Oi, mate! I’m gonna take me kit off for you tonight!” The other option is just to surprise them. Maybe tell them to wait in the living room, & then just emerge looking fabulous.

Some other options for setting the scenario include dimming the lights or lighting candles.

What should I wear?
A few layers, but not too many. It doesn’t matter too much if it’s hugely uncomfortable, since ultimately it’s all coming off anyway. But you need to wear shoes you can walk & wiggle about in! Falling on your butt midway through your routine, while potentially hilarious, might not help maintain the atmosphere of mystery & seduction you’re aiming for!

A costume is an option (a sexy one, not a gorilla suit!), but if you’re really stumped & don’t have a favourite dress, try a collared shirt with a pencil skirt, seamed stockings, heels & your hair in a chignon. It’s an oldie but a goodie. Extra points for a pencil through your hair, which you then remove to shake out your tresses!

Good underwear is essential. It’s the most important part of the outfit — you’ll feel really daggy if you’re wearing saggy underpants or a bra that’s so tight it leaves visible marks on your skin. You don’t have to invest hundreds of dollars in good underwear, even though it’s nice to do so. You can buy hot, cute underpants for less than $10 if you know where to go, & a great bra with a cool design for less than $50. The lingerie industry is really great at the moment — there are a million different options when it comes to shape, size, colour or patterns, it tends to be fairly durable stuff & it’s very inexpensive.

I think a suspender belt worn with stockings is an integral part of the outfit. It gives you one more thing to remove (okay, three actually), & they’re SO hot & rare & fabulous, you just can’t go wrong.

As for make-up… If you’re good at it, you can’t go wrong with a nice cat’s eye. Red lipstick is also an excellent option.

You might also want to slap on a bit of fake tan the day before your big reveal. It sounds like a cliché but it really is great at covering “imperfections” & making you look slimmer & more toned. Even if your lover doesn’t notice, it’s worth doing for the confidence boost — which will come through.

Okay… tell me what I should do!
Now that you’re dressed, here’s a tip. Before you walk out to greet your audience, assume a persona. Pretend that you are a famous French dominatrix, or a sexy Russian spy — someone a little bit different. That way, when you walk into the living room, you won’t be tempted to refill the cat’s bowl before you start.

Walk into the room where the great seduction is about to take place. No, strike that — stride, strut or wiggle into the room. Tell your lover that you’re going to put on a show, & that you are in complete control. If they can be trusted to just sit there & behave, then leave it at that. If not, or if you want to make it a bit more exciting, lightly bind your lover’s hands with a silk scarf or even a rope if you have it, you little rascal!

Hit the music. Crank the volume a bit. Do a little dance. If you can’t dance, make sure you move your hips. Circling them around in the shape of a figure 8 is always sexy. Approach your lover slowly, lift their chin with a finger, make like you’re going to kiss them — then lightly push their head back.

Continue with your slow, sensual boogie. If you’re wearing a jacket or shirt, start to unbutton it, beginning at the top. Turn around so that your back is to them, & as you look back at them, continue unbuttoning. Smile! Raise your shoulder slightly so that the shirt or jacket slides down a little bit & exposes your shoulder. Extract both arms from the sleeves, then turn to face your audience, but at the same time, move the shirt around so that it’s covering your bra. Then, slowly let it drop to the floor.

Try to take off your skirt in one fluid motion, & be careful when you’re walking away from where it lies on the floor! Arch your back as you unzip it & slide it down to the ground.

Remove your shoes! Put one leg up on a chair or slightly raised surface & unhook one of your stockings. Before you take the stockings off, run your hands along your legs, from top to bottom & back again. Roll it down your leg, then take it off & let it float to the ground. Do the same with your other leg.

Keep dancing! Now you’re in your bra & underpants. If time has gone a little faster than expected, extend the length of the striptease by using a scarf as a prop. I know it sounds kind of silly, but it will give you something to do with your hands if you’re nervous, & somewhere to focus your attention (other than on your audience!). Flutter it across your body, dance around it, pretend it’s a horse — whatever works for you!

Now you can remove the last of your sultry garments. Approach your frenzied lover & slowly untie them. I think you can take it from here!

What music should I strip to?
I’m glad you asked, because good music is an essential element. It will help set the mood, give you a tempo & something to work to. I suggest you pick something that turns your crank! Something with a strong beat. Something fun. But if you’re not sure, here are some suggestions…

Depeche Mode – Personal Jesus
Madonna – Justify My Love
Gwen Stefani – Luxurious
Justin Timberlake – What Goes Around Comes Around / My Love
Timbaland – The Way I Are
Beyonce – Freakum Dress
Kylie Minogue – Chocolate
Kyuss – Gloria Lewis
Jimi Hendrix – Hey Joe
Andre 3000 feat. Norah Jones – Take Off Your Cool
LL Cool J – You Should
Notorious B.I.G. – Machine Gun Funk
Lenny Kravitz – Are You Gonna Go My Way?
Jamie Foxx – With You

This is the ultimate, though!

Christina Aguilera – Nasty Naughty Boy

Can you give me some more hints? Please?

Maintain eye contact at all times! It might be difficult &/or embarrassing, but do it anyway! It will make the experience a million times better (roughly).

Know that you are SEXY! If you feel it & believe it, it will come across. You don’t have to have a knock-out body, but if you have confidence, your lover will be salivating all over him- or herself.

Remember that it’s called a striptease for a reason! Take it slowly. Make ’em wait. Torture the audience!

I’ve said it before, but just to make sure, your lover is NOT allowed to touch you while you perform your special act. Otherwise it will just turn into a hump festival. That can happen later, but for now, you have a job to do!

Imagine that your hands are your lover’s hands. Think about where he or she might like to put them — & then be obliging. Touch your body slowly & with intention, drawing attention to your favourite parts!

Before you start, ensure you have the place to yourself for at least the next hour. Knowing that your mother’s on her way over for tea doesn’t really help set the mood.

What does a good striptease look like?

Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks.
Demi Moore in Striptease.
Dita Von Teese in an Agent Provocateur video.
Dita, again for Agent Provocateur, performing a striptease.

Good luck, you little vixen!