Questions On A Postcard: He Loves Me More!


Dear Ms. S.,

What lovely penmanship you have!

In my experience, relationships are always somewhat unbalanced. Regardless of the situation, whether it’s marriage or a summer romance, one person is always more invested than the other; that’s just how it is. It keeps life interesting & maintains that deliciously ridiculous merry-go-round effect. If you have to be in one position, I tend to think that being the person who is more loved is preferable, but of course it does put you in an awkward situation. It’s a sort of stasis. There are feelings of guilt. You wonder if you’re both wasting your time. You think, ‘Maybe I should let this person go so that they can find someone who loves them as much as they love me’.

What you do about the situation is entirely up to you. I can’t say what is right for your life, & plus I have faith that whatever you do will be what you were meant to do. The universe has your back.

What I will say is this. Even when we do our best to seek out a more magical & meaningful existence, life is full to overflowing with average things & mundane realities. Dull jobs, exams, corporate attire, standing in queues, early mornings, tired eyeballs & many, many interactions with the great unwashed. There are all these things which fill us with a vast nothing. Love should not be one of them.

The fact that he is “nice” is not enough to keep you together. Plenty of people are nice & good. That doesn’t make them lover material. That doesn’t mean they are the person to whom you should “hitch your wagon”.

Learning to make yourself happy should be one of your primarily preoccupations. If you feel more joy when you’re by yourself than when you’re with him, then you know it’s time for something to change. The thing with learning to make ourselves happy is that sometimes it takes a leap of faith. Sometimes we have to break up the status quo with a big hammer in order to get there. Sometimes it’s more of a demolition derby, but hey. You gotta do what you gotta do.

There is a period of malaise in every relationship. The initial sparks & fabulousness begin to fade, & it’s just night after night of getting takeaways, watching television, etc. Some people feel that once they get to a certain age, it’s easier just to settle down with someone who doesn’t make them want to commit mass homicide, so they do. But some people would rather be in a relationship with someone who makes them feel electric. You get to choose which camp you’d rather summer holiday with.

If this boy doesn’t make you want to explode with joy & excitement, if thoughts of him DON’T dance like sugarplums in your head, if the mere mention of his name doesn’t fill your body with fireworks, if you don’t spend hours daydreaming about your future together… then you’ll be happier doing your own thing, sugarplum.

Take that time that you spend together, twiddling your thumbs, & invest it in yourself. Cold & calculating as it may sound, your returns will be far greater. & who knows — in that time, you might just meet someone who really captures your imagination. Someone who you could love more than you ever imagined possible.

Fingers crossed.