Shorts For Men

Another article for the boys! I get the impression this is a pretty common problem…

It’s summer and I want to wear shorts, but only feel stylish in pants. Is there any way around this dilemma?

Of course! There is a way around EVERY dilemma! You should have more faith than that!

In the olden days (like five years ago, ha!), there were two types of shorts: stubbies (an NZ/Australian term meaning tight, small & ugly) & big baggy cargos that finished mid-shin & were usually worn by boys who drooled a bit & had smashed their heads skating. Thankfully, the times they are a-changin’, & now men have more options.

I think if you’re going to do shorts, they have to actually be shorts. So, not almost-trousers & not reminiscent of underwear. In order to achieve this, the length needs to be either just above the knee or slightly below it.

Shorts should be a slim-cut for a more flattering silhouette. They should make your ass look good. (Check in a mirror before buying any.) No underwear should show !!!!!!!!!!!!! I know, that’s a lot of exclamation marks, but you get my point, I hope.

Don’t put anything in the pockets unless you HAVE TO. I know men need somewhere to put their wallets, but jesus, if it has to go in your pants, try not to carry around more than five dollars in loose change, okay? A bulge to the side of your fly where your wallet lives is… weird, & unsightly, & designers don’t seem to have thought about the wallet conundrum yet. (Don’t ask me why. I wish I knew!) Like Carrie Bradshaw says, “It’s like putting ketchup on prime rib… ‘Stop, you’re ruining it!'”

Neutral (black, grey, navy, camel, olive green) colours are the most workable. Plain colour is fine, as is a thin pinstripe or check. Bright colours or patterns will make you look like you’re wearing half a pimp suit… after Angry Tito ripped your pants off at the knee. (I don’t know who Angry Tito is, but he sure is mad atcha.)

If you want to make your shorts look a bit edgier, wear a pyramid-studded belt (through the loops please), a slim chain connected to your wallet or a couple of buttons on the edge of the pocket. (El Boton does great badges but most clothing stores sell a good range these days.)

To make it look super-stylish, I advise wearing with a fitted t-shirt in complementary colour & slip-on sneakers (like Vans) or nice sandals.

Here are some cute shorts I found online in about 30 seconds. They’re not amazing quality or anything, but they do demonstrate the style I’m talking about.

Urban Outfitters shorts for men
Urban Outfitters shorts take two ($39).

P.S. If you are afraid of showing your pasty legs in public, steal some of your flatmate’s fake tan…