Valentine’s Day Treats

Okay. I know Valentine’s Day is a major sore point with a lot of people. Capitalist holiday, blah blah blah, yeah I know. I used to be part of the anti-Valentine’s brigade myself. I have since realised that being against anything is a huge waste of energy which I do my very best not to participate in. Cool fact, though: In Korea, on April 14th is a little celebration called “Black Day”, which is when men who didn’t receive valentines in February gather together & eat Jajangmyun, which are noodles in black sauce. (Thanks Wikipedia!) How awesomely bitter is it to be still holding the grudge two months later?!

Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be about ugly greeting cards & flowers given out of obligation. It’s just another day in which to express your appreciation for the people around you, plus the extra greatness of having more pink heart-shaped products than at any other time of the year!

Here are some suggestions if you want to buck tradition a little bit:

Avoiding the boredom of flowers & chocolates.
I can’t think of anything more dull than a dozen roses & a box of little brown lumps to eat. The sentiment is kind, but it completely lacks any imagination. Not to mention, I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than sitting in a restaurant full of “couples” trying their best to be romantic. Aieee. If you can manage to do something a little unconventional for your lover (said: “lovah”), it will make you both feel incredible & is worth the small effort you put in.

Hold a treasure hunt for your girlfriend with something surprising at the end of it.
Take your boyfriend on a secret walk which ends in a picnic.
Drive to the sea with coffee in a thermos.
Book yourselves into a weird, crazy hotel (& refuse their “Valentine’s Day” package which is always cheesy, jump on the bed instead until you collapse in a hilarious, dizzy heap…) — for example, in Melbourne the Adelphi Hotel has a pool with a glass bottom which cantilevers over the street. (Other suggestions here & here.)
Go out dancing.
Buy them a paddling pool & inflate & fill it with bubble-bath before they get home.
Write their name in heart-shaped confetti on the bed.
Give them a Moleskine & a beautiful pen (best gift ever).
Have Valentine’s Day a couple of days early (or late — all the heart-shaped stuff will be on special!).
Eat huge pieces of pizza & kiss a lot.
Read them your favourite poem if you’re that kind of person, though it doesn’t have to be sappy: my favourite poem is by Andre Segui & called How The Bloom Leaves The Rose. It goes: “You don’t bring me flowers anymore Fuckface.”
Alternatively, belch their name. (You sicko.)
Take a bunch of polaroids & photobooth pictures.

Potential gifts:
Harness kit from Good Vibrations. (NSFW or under 18’s.)
Pink & orange heart ring or a Baronesse ring from
Black hoodie with a robot in a heart! From Backseat Kiss.
Buy them a pirate ship from What does that have to do with Valentine’s Day? Nothing! But it is awesome. Shhhh.

Doing things for your friends.
If you don’t have a romantic interest, or you do but they’ve recently proven themselves unworthy of your affections, get together with a friend instead. You could even end up “friends with benefits” (do not attempt without the assistance of a trained professional).

Make them a mix CD of your favourite songs.
Write them a letter complimenting them on something they probably never think about.
Appear on their doorstep with a big tub of ice cream.
Buy them a goldfish (& a big cookie jar for it to live in).
Give them a stack of foreign fashion magazines tied with ribbon.
Go to an outdoor cinema & take a bottle of bubble mixture.
Sing songs on public transport.
Make them a video (& upload it to Youtube).
Buy them a copy of your favourite book.
Pay their library fines!
Help them arrange their house according to Feng Shui.
Frame your favourite photo of them & insist they hang it somewhere prominent.
Write them a love-letter in chalk on the pavement outside their house.

Potential gifts:
Broken-heart fingerless gloves from Hot Topic.
Have a fake tea-party with
Buy them pink Nicole Richie-style sunglasses from Fred Flare.
Threadless (purveyors of quality t-shirts) are having a sale where you can buy any 2 of the same style (regardless of size) & save $10. Not a bad deal. I like Nature’s Balance, Afternoon Delight, Sex Sells & my old favourite, Damn Scientists.

Show your family that you love them.
Assuming you’re not estranged from them, of course. You know your parents don’t get the respect they deserve — & even if you call them every week, it’s not really enough. Be good to them, & your siblings too. Take your grandma some flowers, listen to your grandfather’s stories, write your parents a note telling them why you love them, take your sister shopping, buy your brother a tattoo.

Indulge in a little self-lovin’.
Be good to yourself. You deserve it. No, shush! I won’t have a bar of it! You don’t need to spend any money if you don’t want to, just take the opportunity to chill out & do whatever your sweet little self desires. (Eat cherries in the bath & then watch an entire season of your favourite show, if that’s what it takes.) But a little retail therapy never hurt anyone.

Potential gifts:
Heart watch necklace. Too cute. Japanese kids wear all manner of trinkets around their neck, you should too.
Fall In Love, It’s Fun bag from Lenko. Though… you know… it’s optional. (I just think it’s cute.)
Pressed seal necklaces from I love just about every single one of these.

If you feel like buying something a little raunchier, see below. The links are naughty, so if you’re under 18, don’t click on them! …’Cause no one under the age of 18 is even AWARE of anything going on below the hips. Ya.
Magic Touch Bullet Mini — for, well, anywhere. Keep it in your handbag, it’ll get used.
Rabbit Pearl — of Sex & The City fame.
The Minx — pink with marabou feathers & Swarovski crystals around the base. No, I’m not kidding.

These are just some of my ideas — I’m sure you can come up with something amazing yourself! Anything that has had some thought put into it will make all the difference. Maybe to you a picnic is commonplace, but treating your meat-loving boyfriend to a steak (when you’re vegetarian) is the most meaningful thing you can think of. Do whatever feels right for you!

Above all, remember that Valentine’s Day isn’t an excuse to be awful to everyone the rest of the year!

Extra For Experts:
Read my article on kissable lips in preparation for a smoochfest!