We all have to do it at some point — to go to the supermarket, spend a Borders voucher or make the most of a sale.

However, there is no denying that a shopping mall is one of the most hellish places on earth. Miles of shiny linoleum, epilepsy-inducing lights, & of course, the other patrons. Oh, the other patrons! In their too tight, muffin-baring attire, one could almost feel sorry for them. But one doesn’t. Often, one wants to bludgeon to kill.

Here, then, is how to survive a mall outing:

Always make an effort.
Just because you know everyone else there is going to look like an uncouth slob is no excuse to stoop to their level — & in fact, if you do buckle to the comfort of your favourite tracksuit pants, you will feel just as horrific as the rest of them. Wear a dress, heels & make-up if you must. It’s always better to be over- than under-dressed, my lovelies.

Wear sunglasses.
The only thing worse than actually going to a mall is running into someone you know there. Then you have to do that awkward oh-how-was-your-weekend? dance, which nobody enjoys. If you’re wearing sunglasses, you can pretend you never saw poor Betty & her three drooling children, & simply glide on past, incognito.

Be efficient.
Be organised — before you get there, work out what you need & where you’re going to have to go. For the truly anally retentive, plan out a map from the carpark to the stores you need. If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to get in & out within half an hour. Stick to absolute essentials — this will save you time & money. Don’t be tempted to gawk in the windows of other stores, walk briskly up elevators & for god’s sake don’t go for an ice cream! Your life is too magnificent to be spent in a mall. Make it snappy!

Take a bag.
A handbag or backpack will do — & make it a decent-sized one, if you will. Don’t take a plastic bag from the shop you’re in, just put your new purchase in the bag you brought with you. Be good to the environment, okay?!

Listen to music.
If you really want to avoid the whole scenario, do your supermarket shopping with a pair of headphones on & your favourite music playing. This can be great if you have one mp3 player, a double headphone jack, two sets of headphones & two people — though you need to have similar taste for it to work! You will also get weird looks but we’re used to that, right? (Remember to take off your headphones when speaking to people. Being rude is passé.)

Be kind to the sales assistants.
They don’t enjoy being there any more than you do, & while you might loathe your 45 minutes of flickery lights, they’re probably being subjected to 8 hours at a time, several times a week. They also have to deal with the aforementioned slobs. If you’re wearing sunglasses, take them off. Smile at them & be as polite as you can be. They will appreciate it.

If all else fails, breathe deeply, pretend you’re in Paris & practice your gliding.