How To Be Charming
[ 30 December 2007 ]
Being charming is greatly underrated. While some people believe that charm is like style — in that you either have it or you don’t — I prefer to take a more lenient approach. I think some people have a natural advantage but I also think that practice makes perfect in any arena, & it’s with this in mind that I’ve written up these pointers!
Charm & charisma are similar beasts: it’s the art of making the person you’re speaking to feel like they’re the only person in the room.
Dress up!
As long-time readers of iCiNG already know, it’s hard to feel dour when you’re dressed to the nines. I always think it’s better to be over- rather than under-dressed. Plus, it’s hard to be intriguing in trackpants. So, you wore your best dress to a backyard barbecue — who cares? At least you feel fabulous! Fitting in is for jigsaw pieces!
Sort your life out
However, if you have an abusive partner, a crappy job, ungrateful children, failing health & no ambition, all the beautiful dresses in the world won’t make you feel good for long. The good news is, you are in control of your own life & you can fix these problems! (Read I Don’t Know What To Do With My Life!, How To Make Your CV Impressive, Negative People & EFT for a kick-off.) It’s really difficult to be engaging & congenial when you’re worried about what’s going on at home or in the office. Start to improve your life & circumstances. The happier you are, the easier it is to charm the pants off unexpecting people!
Exercise before social events
I read this online somewhere, & it makes a lot of sense. If you have a good workout, then shower & go out, your body will still be pumping endorphins, which makes being charming, happy & pleasant really easy. It will give you a natural confidence boost as well as sharpening your brain, so that it will be a breeze to approach people & make witty conversation. Of course, it might be hard to do this if, say, you’re Donald Trump & social events are your entire life, but the rest of us can probably manage it!
Take a deep breath & try to talk to everybody
This can be a bit stomach-churning if you’re not super-confident, but try it anyway. It’s quite easy to walk up to someone, offer them your hand & say, “Hello, I’m Sir Roger Miggleditch the Third” or whatever — it’s just the thought of doing it that is scary. Like Susan Jeffers says, feel the fear & do it anyway!
Be positive!
When you’re talking to someone, keep the topics pleasant. Just be lovely! No one really wants to hear about your grandmother’s kidney failure, mass genocide in wherever & your husband’s affair. This is not to say that you should never discuss these things — of course, you can talk about whatever you like — but when you meet someone for the first time, it is perhaps not the best time to divulge your darkest fears & things that make you tremble in the night! On the flip side, you also don’t want to appear to be a total airhead, so don’t just talk about kittens or lipstick. Just keep the tone positive — try to see the bright side, & no complaining!
Pay attention to the person you’re speaking to
When you’re having a conversation with someone, make them feel important, & like they’re using their time well by talking to you. This means doing things like looking at who you’re talking to, & making eye contact. Listen to them & ask intelligent questions. Avoid fidgeting or glancing around the room behind them. Leave your phone in your bag (on silent, unless there is a potentially life-threatening situation at the other end of the line) & don’t prattle on endlessly about yourself. Smile! Laugh! Use humour. Talk about them as much as possible. & when you’re done, tell them it was wonderful to meet them, & excuse yourself.
Use touch
Don’t be afraid to lightly touch the person you’re speaking to. When you do this, the person you touch gets a hit of oxytocin, a chemical which gives them a pleasant feeling. This will help them remember you & also associate memories of you with a good feeling. The one thing I would say about touching people is that it should always be appropriate & never forced. Some ways to work touch into the interaction is when you shake their hand, use your left hand to touch their arm or shoulder. You can also try touching someone’s hand or arm to prove a point or get their attention.
Flirt
Well, don’t really flirt — just use the knowledge of how you normally flirt to bring out the best in people. Think about how you act when you’re talking to someone who you think is a bit saucy. You use open body language — shoulders back, arms uncrossed. You move your hands expressively & gesticulate with enthusiasm. You smile with your eyes & really pay attention to the person you’re speaking with. Try to implement these small graces into your conversation & see how you go. Even if the person you’re speaking to misinterprets what you’re doing as actual flirting, odds are, they’ll be flattered more than anything!
Compliment people
Make them feel good about themselves. Even the most horrific people can have lovely eyes or a well-cut jacket! Make an effort to seek out the best in people, & then vocalise it. No one can resist a good compliment!
Be gracious
On that note, if someone pays you a compliment, even if you don’t believe them or you secretly believe you are the most hideous person in the world, accept it graciously! Just smile & say thank you. Blushing is acceptable if you can’t avoid it!
Practice your charm all the time
No one is so far beneath you that they don’t deserve charm & grace. Be delightful to the check-out assistant at the supermarket, your doorman, the taxi driver & the maître d’. The more you do it, the better you’ll get it at, & other than the good feelings it’ll give you, you never know what favours your charm could net you!
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
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believe it or not, one of my new years resolution was to try and be a bit more charming. thank you so much!
No problem, dollface! It’s one of my resolutions too, so I wrote it as much for my own benefit as for yours ;D
Huh, I never really thought of the whole flirting thing. CLEV-URR!
good timing too, though you don’t knowwww…I’m going to a big conference tomorrow, so I’ll have ta’ be a bit of charmer!
Wonderful timing and writing Gala! (-lightly touches you on the arm with left hand and smiles with eyes-)
(I jest I jest! n__n)
i’ve been reading for awhile now, and just thought i’d drop a line to say that i think your blog is fabulous. it is so original, positive and inspiring. and this post in particular was exactly what i needed to read. i’m starting my stint at the college paper next semester and a few of these tips i can apply when i go on interviews to make the interviewee feel at ease (okay, maybe not the flirting/touching part. but mostly everything else!) thanks so much =)
XO
Oh, this couldn’t have come at a better time! I’m on a bit of a WASP-ish/preppy kick lately, and of course with that comes with proper etiquette. And besides, I’m a southern girl – I have to be charming. ;) Lovely advice, as always Gala.
where could I find that book?
i really enjoyed this article! recently i’ve been trying to be more charming and more social. up to a year or two ago, i was the shyest little thing. i’ve come out of my shell a bit now, which is good
i will definitely use these tips!
Great advice Gala.
I’m working on becoming more charming and open. I have a circle of friends and we tend to be very close and we haardly let anyone else in. I want to change that and meet more people.
Kisses.
I love the last one!! I met the loveliest lady at work today, who, when I complimented her on my shoes, actually offered to let me try them on :) She was so gracious & friendly & lovely = charming, it knocked my socks off!
This article was aaawesome & v timely, it’s one of my general resolutions too!!
so last night i stumbled upon icing through looking up betsy johnson and i started reading your article about her apartment. and then i started reading like all of your articles and well…i love this site.
you give such helpful advice and in a very happy positive way, i do love it.
so thank you, you have a new found reader and fan.
thank you so much!i’ve come out of my shell a bit now, which is good.
Great tips, as I think everyone can improve on their charm!
A couple things I’ve learned about charm: *When complimenting people, it’s always nicer to say, “You look great in that jacket!” rather than, “Nice jacket.” It just makes people feel lux, and they’ll always remember what you said when they wear that outfit/garment.
*Sometimes, if you happen to stumble on a negative or realistic topic, if you approach it with a real positive attitude, people will understand that you’re real and not fake. Like, if you’re talking about your sick grandmother, mention that she’s still positive about her illness.
*Last thing: Ask a lot of questions about them. You’ll learn a ton about their lives, and they’ll probably get the hint and quiz you too. And learn their names. No one likes being called Barbara instead of Britney (or whatnot).
I love this article because it’s so true!
I think when people say that charm is something you have to be born with, they’re really thinking of charisma — and I still think it’s possible to cultivate that, it’s just a lot more difficult to than charm is! :)
I’ve just stumbled upon your blog and I love it! So positive and full of useful and fun info…Thanks so much for putting this out there and keep up the great work. xx
This was a very interesting article… and I was thinking about something Jorden mentioned, the difference between charisma and charm. I have been told many times that I am very charismatic, but I cannot recall ever being told that I am charming… my charm is definitely something to work on, then!
I think having charm is also a huge factor when going shopping, going to restaurants, etc. It’s goes along with what you said about being charming to the maitre d’, or the check-out person — you will never be fully charming if you have a snotty attitude towards those who are serving you.
Boy, is this old-fashioned! Check out the song “On how to be lovely” from the movie “Funny Face”. It came out in 1957, and it gives nearly the same advice. Look here: http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/funnyface/onhowtobelovely.htm
It’s downright eerie. Have things changed so little in 50 years?
As far as exercising before social events goes, that only works if exercise doesn’t tire you out. If you’re less than robust, that tactic could make you too tired to enjoy the party!
you’re wonderful. i think that good manners are so important and your tips are really helpful, especially the one to work out before special occassions.
This is actually pretty weird because just yesterday I was thinking and telling myself I need to be more charming and be more open.
And I have always looked at someone straight in the eyes when they talk to me. Sometimes I think they think I’m staring at them so it makes me want to look away but I try not too.
Thanks for the advice Gala.
This was so fun to read! I really could use a little tune up in the charm department, and just reading this article made me want to go to a party and try it out!
Can’t wait to put a few of these into practice tonight. Thanks for the realisation!
Just wondering Gala if you have a tip for my new boy? He is wanting to stop smoking for New Years and believes he can do it and I said I’d help. Is is possible for EFT to help too? Would be tonnes grateful for your wisdom!
Retro.Bunny — Nice ideas :>
Mantelli — Haha, that’s a good point, I hadn’t even thought of that!
Erika — Looking people in the eye is a tricky one, because you want to do it enough to appear confident, but not so much that you seem really intense or kind of crazy. It’s a bit of a balancing act!
Jill — Yup, I thought it was good timing, since it’s NYE soon!
Zoe — EFT can definitely help him quit, especially when he has cravings. If he just does a quick round instead of reaching for a cigarette, he will lose the urge pretty quickly. Sometimes smoking is a really ugly beast to untangle though — there is a lot to it. The social aspect, the rebellious aspect, the anxiety aspect, etc. Anyway, have a look at these…
http://www.emofree.com/Addictions/smokingrelief.htm
http://www.emofree.com/Addictions/smokingprocedure.htm
http://www.emofree.com/Addictions/smokingonesessionwonder.htm
http://www.emofree.com/Addictions/smoking.htm
Good luck to your boy!
i love being charming – you can actually see people warming to you! as for flirting – i flirt with EVERYONE. men, women, old people, young people, people i think are attractive and people i don’t…it works! xx
I totally agree with everything you’ve said here — especially the concept, the idea of overwhelming people with good old-gashioned charm. Except I was just about to cry “Gala! Really! I can’t DO eye-contact!!” when I read your ‘flirt’ tip. I might just try it! (Although now you will have to write a whole new article: ‘How to Flirt’.) And you are right about the practice — I need a LOT of it. I think ‘to be charming to everyone I meet’ will have to be my New Year’s resolution! Thanks Gala!
“So, you wore your best dress to a backyard barbecue — who cares? At least you feel fabulous! Fitting in is for jigsaw pieces!”
I love this! Im always the overdressed one. Nico knew me as “The Girl With The Shoes” before we met because I was always kicking around uni in a pair of (at first, really painful) wedding shoes rather than sneakers or flats.
Feeling like I look good always boosts my confidence and allows me to try out my charm occasionally. Now I just need to practice charming peoples socks off more often :)
practise your charm all the time is such good advice – I dated a guy once who was charming to me, his parents, my parents, his boss and absolutely horrible to anyone who he felt was beneath him socially or economically – the guy at the deli he would sneer at, shop assistants he would make cry.
It’s all very well and good to be wonderful to people who can help you and bring you ‘up’ in life, but it spoils the image if you are horrible to those still in the place you left behind.
Plus at the moment I’m a sales assistant – please be nice to us, we are only doing our jobs!!
Great article Gala.
great article gala, i now know i am the definition of charming….and moddest
oh i always try to be charming. flirting is such a great thing! my friends laugh at me, that i could flirt&charm to death even a trash bin!
girls&boys just charm everyone even horrible grumpy woman, that sell you newspaper each morning and soon you’ll find lots of benefits as well(of course benefits are not the point, but still..isn’t it nice, when after couple of days this grumpy woman start to smile, when she sees you?)
lots of cupcakes&bacon and onion muffins for you gala!
Oh Gala, if you were, like Minn suggests, to write a “How To Flirt” article, I would love you forever. Well. I most likely will anyway, but that’s beside the point!
Something lovely just happened. I walked into a little store for a couple things, recognised the cashier but was a bit stand offish. Then I remembered what I’d read here, about being charming, so I smiled and said hello. He got this big huge grin and struck up a conversation with me, including “I go to the same night class as you… in case you didn’t know that” a little embarressed sounding (and totally cute!). He seemed very happy to talk, too. Anyways, I walked out of there feeling adorbale.
Haha, just felt like sharing, I guess! :)
i am always slightly worried that if i am too ‘charming’ (as i have experienced in the past) people will think I am actually flirting with them or ‘into’ them and it makes me a bit uncomfortable. I have often had people try and hook into me just because i was ‘overly friendly’ or something… how to avoid
xx
what a lovely article very usefull, i really like the last point about practising charm on everyone because usualy i like to be charming only to those people who have something intresting to say otherwise i give them the cold stare now i will not do that.