My Mother Might Have Cancer...
[ 3 June 2008 ]
“Dearest Gala,
Today my mom went to the doctor for a routine pap smear. In October they had found some abnormal cells, and in April they took a biopsy and today she received the results; they revealed she had pre-cancerous cells. The doctor did a special procedure where the cells are burned out of her cervix, but since the cells were in such a strange place, they had to burn a part of her cervix, meaning she can now no longer have children (thankfully she has my younger brother, younger sister, and I).
My question, Gala, is how can I be strong for her? I feel completely distraught over the fact that my 34-year old mother may have cancer, and I’m not sure what to do. I can’t even imagine how she may be feeling, but I am only 14 years old and very, very confused. I want her to be okay. I want her to be healthy. It has been my greatest fear for as long as I can remember to lose her in any way; she raised me. I am not sure who I can talk to about this, because I want to be strong and take over the mother position for awhile, so she won’t have to stress.
My mom has no idea how upset I am, and I am so incredibly worried and distraught over this. I don’t know who to talk to, or how to healthily deal with my emotions. Please, offer some input. Thank you very much.”
I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this. It is a horrific position to be in, & all your fears & concerns are perfectly normal & okay. I think that anyone in a similar position would be at least as freaked out as you are right now. You’re going to be okay though, I promise.
Nobody wants their parents to die. To those of us with parents who are still alive & kicking — gardening in the afternoons, drinking coffee, flicking the newspaper pages with gusto — sometimes it seems like the ultimate nightmare to consider them not being around any more. My parents are 14,401 kilometres (8948 miles) away from me & I still make time to talk to them every day! That’s the thing about parents: no matter how maddening they can be at times, they are our parents. We love them. No one can replace them, & that’s what makes the thought of losing them so terrifying.
There is good news, though! While at the moment you don’t know if your mother actually has cancer or not, the fact remains that cancer is not a death sentence. Not any more. There are over 10 million cancer survivors in the United States today, with numbers growing all the time. Lance Armstrong, Kylie Minogue, Elizabeth Taylor, Robert DeNiro & Kris Carr, an actress turned director, are all wonderful examples of people who have mercilessly kicked cancer’s ass! It can be done. Kris Carr in particular is an incredibly inspiring woman. I met her at the start of May, & she is amazing — so calm & so happy, she just radiates light.
Q: What are some of the misconceptions people have about cancer?
A: I think for me the main misconception is that in the world of cancer the outcome is either cure or death and there is nowhere in between. I am an example of someone who lives with cancer, manages it and still has a perfectly normal dynamic life. Cancer has opened me up to the best life possible. It hasn’t been a gift but it has been an extreme catalyst for personal revolution and I am grateful for it. Truth be told, we are all saddled with something. Adversity is universal. But what you do with it determines the quality of your life.
(Meet Kris Carr)
One thing you do need to be aware of is that things around your house are going to start changing. Here are some things you can do to make the transition easier.
Be open to change
It’s a biggie. So many of us think change sucks, but without change, we would have no birth, new relationships, great haircuts or… well, anything! (No internet! The horror!)
So try to take a more open view to the changes that are going to occur inside your family over the next little while. There will be upheaval & adjustment & bleary-eyed mornings & yawn-inducing late nights & boredom & chaos… just like your old life, really, but moreso. Try not to let it get to you. Don’t feel like you have to control everything, because you don’t, & you can’t even if you want to.
Talk to your brother & sister about the fact that things are going to start changing. Ask for their help & tell them how much you’d appreciate it if they could do all they can to keep the family united.
Just allow life to happen. Let it unfold organically. Deep breaths, baby. You can do it!
Do what you can to help
Every little thing you can do that makes your mother’s life easier will be a huge help. If that means you need to learn to cook something other than pancakes, then get a cookbook out of the library & start sizzling! If it means walking to the markets alone to buy the groceries for the week, try that too.
Obviously you won’t be able to fully take over your mother’s role as head of the house. There is so much involved, from wake-up calls in the morning to budgets to late library books, that it is quite an incredible task. (Especially for a 14 year old girl! I can’t imagine doing it myself, & I’m almost twice your age!) But, like I say, every little bit helps. Ask your mother where your assistance would be most valuable, & then divvy up some of the other chores between your siblings.
Another thing you might like to do is to sit down with your mother & discuss enlisting someone else’s help. Of course, this will all depend on how well she is: fingers crossed that it’s a false alarm & she is totally fine. But if she isn’t, having her best friend or sister or mother or even distant cousin move into a spare bedroom or stay nearby would be a wonderful thing. Just another adult around to help run the house & assist in providing a little structure.
Take care of yourself
While your mother is definitely going to be your primary concern for a while, it’s really important that you take time for yourself, too. You need to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, & your emotions will cycle & change rapidly. At times you might feel ashamed by some of those feelings — for example, you might feel left out or embarrassed about being seen in public with your mother — but you need to just allow yourself to feel it. If you don’t, you’ll go nuts! A lot of us bury our emotions, thinking that if we pretend everything is okay & “put on a happy face”, all the bad ugly junk in our heads will disappear. Well, it doesn’t. You need to acknowledge your emotions, because they’re screaming at you!
What do I mean when I say “acknowledge your emotions”? Basically it means that you take a step back, look at them, & then do something with them. Something productive, if possible — some of those emotions might make us want to smash every dish in the house, but that’s probably not going to help much! My favourite way to deal with a strong negative feeling is to use EFT on it. I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again: it has changed my life. You can read about it here.
But the more you can do the better. Try running, yoga or acrobatics classes (exercise is a great way to blow off steam), singing really loudly, dancing really badly, seeing a counsellor (you can probably get a referral from your school if they don’t have one on site), talking to your friends & family about how you feel, writing it all down, crying until you pass out, making a mess with canvas & paint, baking a huge batch of cupcakes & beating the butter furiously, building a treehouse, making prank phonecalls (hey, sometimes it just helps), painting your face like a warrior & sauntering along the high street like you own it… Anything you want. It’s all good. Just stay away from things which harm you or other people.
Be there for your mother
It sounds like your mother has raised you alone — major kudos, & obviously she’s done an amazing job! — & that she is single. Of course, that’s cool, but it might mean she doesn’t have another adult with whom she is intimately involved to share the burden. I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like to be faced with an illness & have children but no lover to hold your hand. Hopefully she has some good friends who can step in & look after her, but regardless, this might be the time to become her best friend.
This doesn’t mean you need to smother her. She is, after all, an extremely strong & independent woman. But it does mean that she’s going to need a bit of a boost from time to time, & if you can offer her that, you will both feel so much better for it. Accompany her to doctor’s appointments when you can, give her space to talk, spend time with her. You don’t need to rigorously schedule every moment you have alone — that would be exhausting & strange — but let her know that you are available, that you love her & support her, & that she can come to you whenever she likes.
Keep communicating
If you’ve never been a big talker, now’s the time to push your old image of yourself aside & start gabbing! In order to keep your family together, you all need to know where you’re at. You might like to schedule regular meetings for you, your mother, your sister & brother, where you all sit down & talk — preferably with some good food & no distractions like music or television. Ask everyone how they’re doing. See if there are any gaps anywhere. For example, your brother might feel like he’s doing too much housework & doesn’t have time to go to karate lessons — if you know this, you can work around it, & you’ll all be happier.
Fear can sometimes push us into silence, but choking it down & not speaking up only makes things worse. If you absolutely cannot form the words, write a note.
Another thing you might like to do is tell your mother that you want to know what’s happening at all times. Tell her that you don’t want her to go through this alone, & that if you have all the information she does, then you can actually help. The scariest thing is being left in the dark, but if you feel like you have all the knowledge you need, you’ll feel much more secure & okay with what is going on. Some families leave their children out of important stuff like this, but I think, especially when it comes to such a big situation, it’s beneficial to treat your children like adults. That way, you can all grow together, you all know what’s going on & no one feels left out or confused or afraid.
Maintain your own life, too
That being said, there are going to be times when you just can’t take any more! You need to get out of your house, acknowledge your own emotions (see above), & do your own thing. You’re a teenager; trust me, your mother understands. Plus, everyone knows people are more pleasant when they have time to do what they want to do!
So don’t neglect your normal day to day life. You are still going to have homework, crushes, sartorial difficulties, hormones, ballet classes & all the usual insanity to deal with it. Go to the movies, go shopping, sleep at your friend’s house, get a boyfriend, wear black lipstick (okay, maybe not that last one). Just live. Your home life will be a bit crazier than most people’s, but you know what? You’re strong & awesome, & you’ll get through it.
It’s true that this next phase of your life is going to be a big one — being a teenager is difficult, regardless of the circumstances! — but you are going to grow like mad, & in a few years, you will be incredulous at how well you did.
Try to understand how your family is feeling
Your mother is probably going through the emotional wringer right now. She might be feeling sad, angry, terrified, lonely, confused or just plain numb. Medical problems are so scary because it’s not something distant — it’s right there, with you all the time. Your body, revolting against you. It’s incomprehensible & upsetting.
When something like this happens, there’s really no telling how someone will react to it. Some people get depressed & never want to leave their bed. Some stay hopeful & do their best to get on with “normal” life. Another group grab life by the gonads & decide that things are going to change, starting now! However, most people’s reactions are not quite so cut & dry. There will be good days & there will be bad ones. You cannot control your mother’s feelings or reactions to what is happening to her, but you can do your very best to be compassionate, loving & accepting.
It’s very possible that as you all go through this journey, everyone in the family will start to become a lot more human. You might see things you don’t like. You may realise that your mother is much more flawed than you used to think she was. You might recoil from your brother’s selfishness & feel confused by your sister’s nonchalant attitude. This is all part of growing & learning — you see new things, some of them unpleasant. Do your best to accept what you face with love & grace. If in doubt, channel Mother Theresa — then go somewhere secret & scream. Or go running until the sweat streams down your face. You’ll feel better.
Don’t treat your mother like a victim
A lot of people act as if anyone with an illness needs to be handled with kid gloves. They tread around softly & are infuriatingly agreeable & they smile all the time & la la la, daisies! If my body was going nuts & I felt sick & unwell, all the super-sweet faux nonsense would drive me CRAZY! I would jump up on my bed & pull off my clothes & do the haka, & then there’d really be trouble! I’d run downstairs & beat pots & pans with a huge spoon, cover the living room in ice-cream & fill my handbag with tomato sauce. I mean, honestly!
Anyone living with any kind of sickness (& you know what? That’s most people!) is still them! Your mother is still your mother, your sister is still your sister, & the grumpy guy at the convenience store is still just a grumpy old man. Their essence hasn’t changed. They might be a bit crankier, sleepier or sadder than usual, but you don’t have to pretend you’re someone else just to relate to them. A bit of normality is a good thing.
Take things one step at a time
Sometimes it’s impossible to see how things might look a week, a month or a year down the track, so just focus on what you can do today to make life easier.
Just breathe. Learn how to meditate. (If you’re too busy, learn how to do a walking meditation!) Soak up the sun. Appreciate life for what it is: it’s a beautiful thing. Confusing? Sure! Crazy? Yes! But beautiful all the same.
Again, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You’re not alone: there are lots of people you can talk to about this, myself & the other nonpareils included.
Life is a funny thing. This is going to be a hard time for you, but it is also an amazing opportunity for you to grow, change & transform into a fabulously capable, compassionate & cool woman. I commend you for your courage & I have all my fingers & toes crossed that things turn out well for you, your mother, your brother & sister.
Extra For Experts:
When Your Parent Has Cancer: A Guide For Teens — click all the links down the side & have a read. The first page has some common emotions you might be feeling. If you use EFT to tap them out, you will feel much better.
A friend is doing chemo. What should I say? From Cary Tennis’ ‘Since You Asked’.
Kris Carr mania! Get on it! A Women On Writing interview (“People say they don’t know what to say. Well, it’s just common sense. Imagine walking in a cancer patient’s shoes and perhaps it will set you on course. I like it when folks listen and provide space and a safe container for me to share if I want to. What a lovely and compassionate gift. Just be present.”); tell your mother to join the My Crazy Sexy Life forum, buy Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips (her book) & watch Crazy Sexy Cancer, the movie about her journey.
EFT for cancer is quite interesting, too!
Hyper-love & bunny kisses,
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Was this procedure called a LEEP? I had the same procedure two years ago (when I was 25), when pre-cancerous cells were found on my cervix. They burn off the part of the cervix where the pre-cancerous cells are found. The good news is, almost all of the time, this eliminates all of the cells that are dangerous. Also, since they are only removing part of the cervix, my ability to have children was not jeopardized in any way, so as long as we are talking about the same procedure here, the same is actually likely true for this girl’s mom.
The other good news is “pre-cancerous” is not “cancerous.” And as long as this girl’s mother is diligent about her health, and getting her regular exams, which it sounds like she is, it is very likely that she will not ever get cervical cancer (the LEEP procedure is HIGHLY effective). And if it happens that she does develop cervical cancer (god forbid), she has been getting her pap smears and pelvic exams regularly, which means the doctors will be right on top of it and will be able to treat it quickly and promptly, and the odds are very very very good that her mom will be healthy.
Also, I recommend that this girl talk to her mom and her doctor about getting the HPV vaccine. HPV causes up to 70% of cervical cancer in women, and the vaccine is 100% effective against the types of HPV which cause cervical cancer. It may be good to open up the dialogue between her and her mom, and they can both discuss their thoughts and fears on the subject.
I found out on my 17th birthday that my mother might have breast cancer. It was quite possibly the scariest thing I have ever experienced and I never wish for anyone to go through a scare like that. Luckily a few weeks later the biopsy came back and we discovered she did not have cancer.
To this girl, if you are reading this I wish your mother the best of health. She sounds like an amazing person and she must be for raising such a caring daughter. Don’t ever forget to tell her you love her, even if you say it a million times a day I promise you it will never get old. In my opinion that is the best support you can give her right now.
www.kidskonnected.org/teens/de…
You sound like a very brave and loving young woman – you can maybe see your own doctor and talk about your concerns in regard to your Mum?
Best wishes for you, your Mum and your family.
My mom had a situation where she had bad stuff in her uterus. She had that all burned out as well and now she’s fine. I think if the doctor’s chose that procedure, there is a good chance that was the only thing that needed to be done, and this girl’s mom should be fine. That’s the hope anyway.
Wow, I this is a major problem and has just seriously put things into perspective for ME let alone for you!
I hope your mum gets better very soon and I admire how brave you are by turning to someone for help (and who better than our trusty Gala, right?).
Also Gala I admire the way you gave advice on this one. Saying it’s a tricky suject is an understatment and you really tackled it well.
I hope everything works out for you and your family, I mantain that everything happens for a reason. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll meet a child who happens to be going through the same thing and you’ll be able to give them the best advice ever, really help get them through. you never know.
All the best to everyone who’s going through this sort of thing now. I can’t even comprehend how awful this must seem and you’re coping so well!
Stay strong!
Vixxie.
What a lovely reply to such a deserving email.
I do not know what to say other then I wish your mother the utter up most best wishes, along with yourself. She and yourself sound like fantastic people, and I hope nothing other the best for the two of you.
Love and hugs.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
That’s all pretty solid advice, Gala. I think the strongest part is that she needs to take care of her own emotions, and let all the pain and bad things ride out instead of being suppressed.
My own mother died from skin cancer when I was 12. By that point, cancer had a normalized thing in our lives, to the point where we kids (I’m the oldest of 3) didn’t really understand it as abnormal, or even really as something that could kill. It had just become a different stage of living, we never considered that it could change to death. I found out my mom was going to die a week before it happened, and I definitely never knew or used any of the advice you just gave, at least, not consciously. I don’t think anyone in my family has dealt with our emotions in the 9 years since.
It’s the hardest thing to deal with. I can’t even imagine doing it with only one parent, my heart goes out to the writer of this email. I hope your family can keep together and make it through this situation, no matter how it turns out.
My advice: don’t delude yourself. You can be depressed by cancer statistics, inspired by success stories, worried about straddling the two, but don’t, don’t pin all your hopes on one of those outcomes. Of course take a positive approach to life, doom and gloom will drag you down and color your life in a bad way. But be open to all the possibilities.
It’s easy to trick ourselves into thinking we’re ok with what’s going to happen. It’s easy to say “I’ve accepted the possibility of tragedy” when in our hearts we’re really thinking “but it won’t happen, it can’t happen”. Don’t let yourself get in that habit of self-delusion. It will literally cripple you later in life.
Good luck to you. Your life is now forever changed — no matter the outcome, you will look at the world differently. I can only hope that you keep your mind and your heart open to whatever good comes your way in life.
This was a wonderful post in response to such a thoughtful, serious message. I agree with everything said. And I want to reiterate what has also been said: though every medical problem should be regarded with respect, this is a fairly common problem that young women face. I and friends of mine have undergone either a LEEP or other procedures to remove pre-cancerous cells, and we are all cancer-free to this day. That said, Gala is right — cancer is not a death sentence. Stay strong, hang tight, and be positive!
This is an excellent post, with SO MUCH good advice!
My mother is a breast cancer survivor. Her ordeal with cancer was brief: it was detected early, removed right away with a partial masectomy, and finished off with radiation therapy, all over the course of a couple months. She was diagnosed when I was 16. When she came home with the diagnosis, she told me right away, and we held each other and cried. We knew she had a good chance of survival because it was detected so early, but it was still very, very scary! I think it is A-OK for a daughter to let her mother know that she is scared in a situation like the one described in this post. It is possible that her mother knows more about the illness, having talked to doctors, and might be able to relieve her daughter’s fears.
Honestly, I hardly remember that my mother ever even had breast cancer. Life didn’t change too much for our family while it was going on.
A month after her surgery she had her 50th birthday, and (for no symbolic reason, just because it had to be done) cut down a tree in our yard with a chainsaw! From that moment on, I have been so impressed by her strength, and never taken her for granted!
Pre-cancerous is not cancer.
LEEP is a fabulous tool for removing precancerous cells.
Cervical cancer is VERY slow to progress, get annual PAPs and HPV strains that cause cancer will be detected and removed.
Get the HPV vaccine. For most American girls 18-24 it can be found for free. Get it.
Boys should also get the HPV vaccine – they carry the virus, but rarely show symptoms.
Be postive, exercise, eat right and get regular PAPs.
Its all groovy.
I agree with your advice. Please keep us posted on your mother’s condition. I will be sending best wishes your way. Love
Catching cancer that early is such a blessing.
my boyfriends grandmother has just pulled through her third cancer – and even after having her stomach removed she’s just as positive.
make sure you look after her and don’t get down about it : )
I’m glad they caught the cancer that early! Another idea is to make some memories while she’s still well. When my grandma first got cancer, my grandpa took her on an extravagant cruise. A simpler idea would be to plan a picnic, or go take a walk in the local arboretum. Family game nights are also good activities.
I hope her mother gets well and that they have many good memories in the process.
I agree with Sharon. It is very hard to die from cervical cancer in this modern age with regular gyno visits.
And also, O.N.E.L.E.S.S. I wanna be one less one less—get the vaccine, all you eligible ladies!
Oh, and well said, Lynne!
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was in eighth grade, so I completely understand what that poor girl is going through. Your advice is definitely very good, though, and makes me wish I had so much support when our little tragedy struck.
The most important thing I read on this though: make time for yourself. I have a little brother and when my mom got sick my main priority was taking care of him. I started losing clumps of hair and lost a dramatic amount of weight in the process. I can’t blame my mom for it: she was going through hellish surgeries and was in the hospital more often than she wasn’t. Seeing as our father abandoned us years ago, it was just me and my two brothers.
I hope everything turns out OK, which I’m sure it will.
Wonderful wonderful advice and support. And big hugs to the thoughtful daughter.
i think i have to go with jen s. on this one… pre cancerous is NOT cancer.
i know lots of women (incl. myself) who have had issues around HPV, abnormal cells, and i know a few women who’ve had this procedure. it’s fairly common, but provided the mum in question (who’s only a year older than me! yikes!) has had regular check-ups she should be fine.
also, the vaccine for the young woman, and for all young women should be discussed.
Beautiful post, Gala.
Thank you for mentioning my interview with Kris Carr—she’s such a tremendous inspiration.
I also just had the wonderful opportunity of interviewing Rue McClanahan www.wow who is a breast cancer survivor. She offered some great advice—“Draw pictures. Then re-visualize. Talk about it openly with friends and family. Determine to win. You are more powerful than those stupid cancer cells.”
lovely advice, Gala.
I am 3 years into my Ph.D. in Cancer Biology, and when my dad got colon cancer last year I was comforted by being able to educate myself about it and help translate that info to him. Even if you don’t understand the scientific literature, simply reading about the cancer and the treatments online (starting with Kris Carr!) might help you feel less out-of-control.
(oh, and my dad is cancer-free today after a surgery and 9 months of chemo! He also did a lot of positive visualization and meditation, so think positive!)
When I was in high school, I took attendance for my junior-year Chemistry class. One girl was so consistently absent that I got really irritated with her. I went to a private school that was pretty strict, and it frustrated me that she seemed to get such preferential treatment.
The next year, we went on a retreat together (yay Catholic schools!) and I found out that her single mother had breast cancer and that she’d spent most of the previous year driving her mother to doctors’ appointments. I’m still in awe of this girl. Her mother recovered, in time for her to go away to college, and by all accounts they’re both doing well.
If you’re a spiritual person, prayer can be an amazing comfort. I really recommend asking whichever higher power you believe in for help. You might be surprised.
I agree with Emily. It is important to stay realistic and talk about things, no matter the outcome. My mother was diagnosed with cancer and had a masectomy when I was in elementary school, she was the same age as me now, 29. It has been a very weird year for me after my birthday, since also my grandfather died recently and all the things from the past have come up to the surface again. Back then I was too young to really understand what was happening, my brother was even younger. I just knew that it wasn’t good and that my mother was scared. My mother fought cancer for several years and died when she was 35. I was 14 and my brother 11. My father had always been working a lot and couldn’t deal well with my mother’s illness and us kids and the emotions connected with the situation. Nobody really talked about anything, even after her death. So, when looking back, I wish I’d done several things:
Get help! You’re just a teenager, and at fourteen in many ways still a kid. You may seem mature and people tend to put a lot of pressure to deal especially on girls. Remember you are just trying to find a place in this world yourself, you can’t give up everything, your youth, just in order to please everybody. There are so many other things like school and just plain life claiming your energy. Looking back, I realize I’ve been depressed for many years, especially after my mother’s death, and I wish I had had someone to help me deal with the situation earlier. And remember, even if it is “just” precanceral cells, like some people write, your fears and emotions are still very real and you have the right to feel them and be weak.
Talk! Try to talk with your family about things. You are probably all very scared, but like several people said, this is crucial. I wish it had worked with my family. It still doesn’t. Maybe that’s why my brother gets so upset about even small things now, all the big things have been kept under a lid for over 15 years now. So don’t bottle up! And if your family can’t open up or you feel you can’t open up to your family, try to find a therapist or someone else you can trust to talk to.
Spend time with your mom. 14 is an age most girls start having problems and fights with their moms. It’s great that you want to be there for her and help her. So you could discuss how to do that with her and on top of that just spend some quality time and just get to know her better. But don’t forget yourself and don’t put yourself under too much pressure. Even if she’s sick, it’s normal that you also argue. After all, you’re mother and daughter!
I wish you and your family all the best and a lot of strength!
My dad has 2 types of cancer. I was 24 when he was first diagnosed (I just turned 28 last week) and it was such a shock to me – I can’t imagine how it must feel aged 14.
My dad is still alive and relatively well and one of the most amazing people I know. He regularly travels to London to attend patient voice groups and offers support to other people who have just been diagnosed. Cancer isn’t a full stop…life still goes on and can still be good.
Someone suggested a book to me a while ago called “What can I do to help?” – it’s got lots of useful and realistic stuff for people with cancer and those around them.
x
This is such a huge and scary issue, and Gala, you have done a great job with this article. I think all I have to add is the advice to manage your emotions. Last year my 34-year-old cousin died of cancer, and it was an extremely harrowing time. I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like when it is happening to your mum. I was worried and sleeping badly, so what I used to do was get up at 5 or 6 am and and get outside for a walk in the sunrise, listening to emotional music. I could get away and be by myself and cry and allow my feelings some space . . . and I also got really fit! The other side was making sure I laughed, too. Usually before I could go to bed I would have to watch an episode or two of my favourite comedy show. Going to bed happy and waking up sad managed to keep me on an even keel. If I needed to be extra strong, for example if I was going down to visit his family, I first would drive to the beach and go for a walk to get myself together. What I am trying to say is, make sure you look after yourself. Be sad. Be happy. It’s allowed.
hello….
i admire you for your great courage in facing such a trying time in your life, with an open mind and optimism..
cancer is really scary, especially when you don’t really know what it is about…but there is help out there,, all you need to do is ask…
i know it is easy to say all the advise and suggestions, but believe it or not, they work and they are based from facts and testimonies of people who have been through them.. hang in there, keep your faith and always look for the silver lining… Godbless you and your family.
and to you gala, thank you for blogging.. your site is always a pleasure to visit.. more power !!!
i love yer hair too =)...
Really fantastic, moving and inspiring response, Gala. THIS is why you are an amazing woman. Thank you. x
(PS: this really puts into perspective all the negativity that erupted from the last post. We should all be grateful for every second- thanks again Gala.)
Beautiful advice Gala….thanks for tackling such a difficult topic!
After my dad(major daddys girl too) died a few years my mum got stage 4 breast cancer a few months after that.Every doctor said there’s not a whole lot of point in doing chemo but we can give it a try…and that was 3 years ago!she keeps picking up and then cancer re-popping up and going back to chemo but she giggles and smiles throughout it all.I’ve never seen her once seem sick.It’s a scary prospect to think that, at some point, i’ll be 25 with no parents and a whole lot of responsibility beyond my years but the way i figure is I have plenty of time to be sad about it all later…right now while I have my Mum I want to be happy spending time with her.Just help out as gala said in any small way you can-sitting with her at chemo,cooking or doing the shopping for her and generally just having a smiling face when she gets a bit down.it’s not really nice to think about, but the cancer becomes a part of your life.Questions like how were your cells today and what times chemo etc just sort of become a part of your daily life.The absolute best advice I can give is don’t put too much pressure on the time you spend together because the overall we-must-spend-time-together-while-i-can thing just psyches you out and makes you overwhelmed about the finality of everything.I find it works better, for me, to just spend time doing normal stuff like watching movies and cooking etc so it doesn’t feel like i’m hanging on every word.
But keep in mind allllllll of this is for someone who has confirmed really advanced breast cancer(over 30 positive lymph nodes on each side!)so maybe try and not stress as much as you can until you know EXACTLY what you are dealing with and the oncologist tells you some statistics that give you an good idea whats going on.I really, really hope that your mum is feeling ok, and will be ok for a long time to come:)
Gala you did a wonderful job with the article, very inspiring. My father recently passed from skin cancer (melanoma) and it was a very hard situation to deal with. At 17 it was a hard thing to deal with so I can’t imagine dealing with it at 14 (although I have a little sister that is 13).
It is also a wonderful thing you caught it early! My father refused to go to the doctor and by the time he did it already metastasized to 5 other areas.
I hope you follow Gala’s advice such as not treating the person as a victim and understanding people’s feelings. I never talked to my father that much and was very pessimistic as he fought cancer and I regret it so much. Appreciate the time you have with her and support her throughout the whole battle. I hope that everything works out fine for you.
Everyone ranting and raving about the HPV vaccine – From what I’ve read the Gardasil vaccine prevents something like 4 strains of HPV – of which there are over 80.
I had horribly adverse side effects, as did two other women I know.
Since then I’ve done further reading on the subject it has encouraged me to stay well away, I persnally will not be going back for my two follow-up shots.
I will try and pull up some links to studies during the day and post them here – but for now all I’ll say is : Do your reading before getting injected with this very new wonder vaccine and think well before you make the decision to get injected with it.
Such a compassionate post – and such a difficult, frightening subject – I hope the nonpareil who wrote to you (and others dealing with similar issues in their own lives) are able to get some strength from your advice. Very moving and as always, gorgeously-written.
my father is having surgery to remove his lung cancer right as i type this. (ps- don’t smoke, heh.) it’s a horrible thing to deal with and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. the best thing i think is to be there for your family, but don’t neglect yourself either. when my dad was first diagnosed i tried to keep going to work and doing everything like usual and in the end i just couldn’t take the stress anymore and had a meltdown. it’s ok to admit you need to take it easy while you’re processing your feelings. luckily i have an amazing support network of friends and family, but you could always go and see a counselor as well if you need someone to talk to.
the other thing is, cancer has such a horrible stigma. when you think of it, you remember all the horror stories and that terribly sad goodbye speech in ‘terms of endearment’... and certainly there are those bad things, but there are also many positive stories, the people who are doing well. and that’s what it’s best to focus on.
much love to the original poster and all those of you who are going through similar situations
I’m 21 and my own mum is currently having treatment for breast cancer, I’m so glad you’ve done a post on this.
To the girl who emailed in.. try not to worry about something that may not happen. Don’t be tempted to read up about cancer & treatment to prepare yourself just in case – because you’ll get lots of information and support if it ever did, there’s no benefit and it’ll just give you stress thinking about it.
Remember, she doesn’t have cancer, they’re just going to keep a closer eye on her.
If at some point in the future she was digonosed with cancer though.. let your school know what’s going on so they can support you, along with close friends. Have someone you can talk to about it, like someone from a cancer support charity or an older relative.
But remember to get away and have some fun and not think about it for a while – you have to look after yourself to be there for her. She’d probably worry just as much about how you and your siblings are coping with it as herself! It doesn’t mean you can’t show her you’re upset – just keep having fun with your friends and keep up with your school work. I hope she stays ok.
I’m currently struggling a bit myself. My mum has had a complete mastectomy and is about to start chemo. They caught it about as early as you possibly can so we’re pretty sure she’s going to be fine in that respect, but the surgery has knocked her self esteem massively and she just wants to stay covered up which isn’t easy with the warm weather we’re having lately. Plus she’s worried about losing her hair. I don’t know how to help her feel better about herself right now. She’s going to start attending a support group but there isn’t another meeting for a month – does anyone have any advice, or know any sites that would be useful to either of us?
Eva, the gardasil vaccine’s been tested quite rigorously… although it may have been detrimental for you and two of your friends, which sounds awful, I went to an all-girls school where 99% of people were vaccinated, and no one I know had any issues whatsoever. It might not work for some people but you shouldn’t close your mind. Also, it covers the two main types of HPV, the ones that cause 70% of cervical cancer cases.
Gala, this is an amazing article. While I’ll agree with most people above that ‘pre cancerous is not cancer’, I’m sure it was a good opportunity to get this out there, because I bet a lot of people who are in similar/worse situations wouldn’t take the time to write… it can be a very isolating experience.
When it comes to vaccines for things like this, I would urge people to do their own research. If something goes wrong, it’s your body & your responsibility. I have absolutely no interest in Gardasil, but that is a decision I have made for myself. We all have to make our own choices.
Just as response to the HPV vaccine issue, the vaccine only benefits women that aren’t already infected by HPV 16 and 18 (and Gardasil also prevents against the infection of two HPVs that cause most genital warts). If you already have HPV 16 and HPV 18 (or in the case of Gardasil, 6 and 11 as well) it’s a pointless thing to get (something to keep in my mind if you have been known to have adverse effects to immunisation shots in the past!). It only prevents infection of the HPVs that cause most cervical cancer & gential warts, it does not prevent cervical cancer directly. I hope that makes sense! I know a lot of people have adverse reactions to immunisations, so that’s something to keep in mind in the pro/con HPV vaccination debate.
And, hey, good news it is pre-cancer. A lot of cervical pre-cancerous cells actually get removed by the body’s own immune system (yay!). It’s not cancer, so if your mum looks after herself it’s quite likely she’ll be a-okay.
I would just like to say, I’m sending a lot of love waves to the young girl who wrote this email. I can understand how incredibly difficult this situation can be, and I think Gala gives some really great tips.
Just on a side note, I’d like to add to it…
As my aunt (who basically felt like a mother to me), went through her lung cancer treatments, it felt like it was more and more difficult to be strong in front of her. But really, being positive and optimistic is the best plan of action. Plan for the future, and tell your mom, “When you’re cancer-free, we’ll go sky diving together!” or go to Paris, etc.
Stay positive, and keep her comfort too. My aunt’s biggest fear was being alone when she had her cancer (even though she lived by herself all her life), so sometimes it’s great for a cancer patient to simply have whoever they love around them. Even if you’re just sitting down, and sipping tea, it’s great for them to know that you’ll always be there for them.
Oh, and this isn’t a specific cancer-related suggestion (I think everyone should do it). Find one of those fun surveys (you know, the kind you get from myspace or online with the 100 questions?). Take that survey, make a nice little snack and a drink for your mom, and go through it together. Ask each other the questions, and you’ll discover new things about her past and how she became the woman she is today.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this, but if you need any comfort, I am so definitively here to help in anyway possible. Either through email, or mailing care packages, I’m here. (I’m only 17 too.)
Lots of love,
-Skye
P.S. If your mom needs a morale boost, there’s a good book called Cancer Vixen and it’s a comic book, so it’s fun to read!
Gala, I would like to once again thank you for taking the time to not only read my email, but create a wonderful article that helped sosososo much!
I would also like to thank all of the nonpareils who have commented wishing love and support, and also sharing their own stories.
I wrote to Gala in a fit of sadness and rage (and terrible crying) last night after not knowing what to do…but I am incredibly grateful to every person who has commented or even read this; everything has helped.
My mother did in fact get the LEEP procedure done, and I am glad to hear that it works quite well. All of this amazing support and this amazing article has helped my family and I be much more optimistic.
Thank you, Gala, and all of my fellow nonpareils.
Much much much love,
Victoria
Wow I can’t imagine ANYONE choosing to not get the cervical cancer vaccine.I agree, do your own research and choose for yourself but don’t buy into conspiracy theorists and base your decisions on a few people having bad reactions.There’s tons of people that have had bad reactions to tylenol!after watching someone pass away from cervical cancer I see the vaccine as an amazing opportunity to reduce my risk of cervical cancer.
I was diagnosed with pre-cancer pretty much as close as you can get to cancer without really having it… cervical, and had a LEEP. It brought the diagnosis down from a 3+ to a 1 on the scary scale (this is good), and my doctor is optimistic that we got it in time. It means I’ll have to have special biopsies every three months for at least a year. I might have to have another LEEP procedure. But the good news is, we’re on it, and it’s not cancer.
I’m a single mother, of a five year old boy. Be there for your mom, but know there’s good news on the horizon for her.
It’s scary, but be there for your mom because she’ll need all the support she can get
That’s why I try to donate to Canadian Cancer as much as possible
I can not second the ‘do not treat your mum like a victim’ statement enough. Ever. I have had a few big health problems in the past, and there was nothing that made me feel more alienated than people treating be differently.
There’s something about a perspective life sentance that is so huge your life seems consumed by it, and when it’s all someone talks about to you you start feeling as if it’s all you are, that you are incapable of being what you were. I’m lucky my parents didn’t treat me any different – I still had to clean my room (on days I could) etc…nothing made me feel better than still being about to do the stuff I used to do…washing dishes never felt better!
Victoria – I wish you and your mother all the best of health, and I think you are being so so brave about it and trying to be there for your mum and your family and help your mum out.
I hope it all works out, and I second what a lot of commenters have already said – it is precancerous, and was caught very early, which is a really good thing because normally it nips the precancerous cells in the bud and prevents actual cancer.
And thank you Gala – this was a great post, and I really identified with it.
My mum had kidney cancer when I was your age and I’m the eldest child, and my dad’s pretty much uninvolved in general, and I still tear up because I am so so terrified of losing her, and I wasn’t mature enough to deal with it then, I just assumed everything would be okay, while breaking to pieces inside over the intense fear that I’d lose her.
Remember you don’t have to shoulder it all alone – there are friends and family to help. And your mum is probably trying to be really strong right now for your sakes..
But yes, I don’t really have much to add, because everyone’s said such helpful things, but I just wanted to let you know that I know what you’re going through, and think you are being so brave!
Love
I just want to add my voice to the many, many others here who have had CIN 2 or 3 (what the degree of pre-cancerous cells are called) treated successfully. I had LEEP six years ago to treat CIN 3, then I was treated for CIN 2 about three years ago (a biopsy was all it took — and stopping my social smoking! Smoking makes CIN heaps more likely). I had smears every 3 months for a while, now just once a year. I’m fine, well, happy, not scared anymore — and I can still have kids (theoretically… I’ve never actually tried!). So, there are lots of us, that’s for sure. I’d get the vaccine if I could.
My mom had breasts cancer 5 years ago. She had to go through the surgery and chemo too. My mom never told me anything about how she feels. She always made me feel like she’s really brave and it’s nothing. And now she told me that she did feel scare a lot, but then she prayed. That’s what calm her down. I was quite young to feel scare at that time. I think Gala’s advices are really good. I did that myself too.
You can also tell your best friends that your mom is sick. Coz it’s hard to be tough all the time (in front of your mom can be really hard), then you can talk to your friends when you feel like crying. Don’t hold those feelings to yourself. And it’s important not to treat your mom as the victim. Just talk to her like you normally do. Tell her what’s going on with school and all those chit chatting, it can gets her mind off everything for a while.
Be brave and your mom is going to be fine.
I cannot imagine how hard this is all going to be for your family and i wist you the very best. I just wanted to mention a book that was released in 2007, called Life On The Refrigerator Door by Alice Kuipers. Although the outcome of the book is one i sincerely hope will not happen in your case, it is a very poingant book to remind us of the imporance of communication in a time like this.
Wow, this is great, Gala. I’m really glad that the reader emailed this question in, and that it was answered in such a thoughtful manner. I think a lot of the advice here is applicable in a lot of situations, not just when a family member has cancer.
To the girl who sent the question: my mum was your age when her mother was diagnosed with cancer. I can’t begin to comprehend how horrible it must be for you, but I know that people can get through it. My mother faced a whole lot of problems when her mother was sick, and you know what? She is a stronger person today because of it. To quote what Gala said – You’re strong & awesome, & you’ll get through it. You will. xx
Oh honey. It’s so hard to deal with someone you love so dearly having (or there being a risk of them having) cancer.
My father was diagnosed with Stage 4 (the fastest growing, most aggressive) throat cancer when I was 11 years old (6 years ago this year). Two days after he was given his initial diagnosis, he was on the operating table and lost his voice box, part of his throat and part of his chest (to rebuild his throat).
There was not a good prognosis for him at all, yet he put his mind to it and has almost fully recovered.
While medical science contributes a substancial amount to his survival (obviously), I honestly believe that love and positivity and his determination that (in dad’s own words), he “would beat the bastard”, helped dramatically in his recovery.
Dad was supposed to be in bed for 2 weeks; he was out and walking by day 3.
He was supposed to be nil-by-mouth for 2-3 weeks; he was eating day 5.
He was not supposed to be able to try to talk (with the help of a plug-like speech apparatus, not the robotic machine) in a month and a half; he was talking day 7.
Dad was supposed to be in hospital for two months, and he was out day 10.
He was also supposed to be off work for one to two, maybe even three years; dad went back to work just 8 months after very radical surgery.
Anyway, while this may not be relevent to you, my point is that positivity and love can go such a long, long way, regardless as to what some people say.
Even though it’s your mother who may have cancer, it still affects you and I know exactly how terrified you feel about the prospect of losing your mum. Just remember, though, that luckily, at this stage, it is pre-cancerous cells. One thing we learnt straight away is to not get too ahead of yourself; start considering, yes, but do not automatically assume that the worst will happen.
Speaking to people helps so much. I was 11 when dad got cancer, and it was such a horrible time for not only him and my mum but me too, as I was at that age where my friends didn’t really understand, I was too young to be able to really do anything big for myself and I was still really a child. I found CanTeen, a foundation for kids 11-26 who are some way affected by cancer (offspring, sibling, patient, etc).
Finding other people like you helps in more ways than you could ever possibly imagine. Try asking the social worker at the hospital or doctor your mum goes to for some more info.
Until then, darling, keep your head held high, give your mum lots of love and work through it as a family.
Lots of love. xxx
Pre-cancerous is not cancer but I understand your stress.
Best of luck though, all that advice can be put into practice for a good life and relationships when things are thick, so that when things are thin you have a good structure.
I had this procedure about 6 months ago, had to have it under general because of where the abnormal cells were on the cervix, it all went fine and my follow up smear was completely normal – try not to worry about it, as a few people have mentioned already it is not cancer and cervical cancer is very preventable anyway with regular smear tests which your mum is obviously having so I’m sure she will be fine! I was really worried when I got my first letter through about abnormal cells but after speaking to a few friends I realised how common this procedure is and felt much better. XXXxxxx
“I would jump up on my bed & pull off my clothes & do the haka, & then there’d really be trouble!”
Haha, Gala, you are AWESOME.
This is a great article – I think these advice columns are one of the most valuable things you post on your blog – yet they are perfectly placed between delightful sprinkles of fun, crazy and awesome.
Keep up the great work and I’m LOVING hearing about you New York adventures! Really inspires me to travel!
this is a really scary thing to go through, and I know how you are feeling right now. The hardest thing is the waiting and the hoping that everything is going to be okay.
I think something that is really important is to find people that can support you through this really hard time, and to ask for help.
My Mum was diagnosed with cancer last august, and although the prognosis was initially positive, it now seems that the treatment is not going to make the cancers go away. Her tumor was not found early enough, and was inoperable.
We are at the point where she is on her last round of chemotherapy, and then we are anxiously waiting to find out how much time we have left with our Mum. It’s been the hardest 10 months of my life, and I know that there is harder to come. My story is not the brightest beacon of hope, but there is always positive in the negative. One thing is realising that others are in similar situations and that you can turn to them when you need to. I have a close circle of friends that have seen me go through all the emotions, and I am so appreciative of what they have given me. I also have two older sisters (over the other side of the globe) that I talk to a lot, and have a big bawl with from time to time.
Also, talking to health professionals can help you get a good understanding of what is going on. I live in New Zealand, and my parents have talked to the NZ cancer society (they have a GREAT service to offer people living with cancer), and I have had opportunities to talk to councellors (which I plan to do), and to talk to people at the hospice.
I hope you don’t have to go down the path that I am going down and that everything turns out for the best.
I guess what I am trying to get across is to talk to people, let your emotions out, and ask questions. you will feel a lot more at peace.
A very positive thing in your case is that the cells were treated, and I really hope that the diagnosis is a good one.
all the best
kia kaha.
Victoria, you are so brave. My mother is also a single parent and i dont know what i would do if she ever fell ill. I dont think i would be able to step up like you have and take the initiative to write to people looking for advice. i’m pretty sure i would just go into denial. But good luck, i really hope your mother recovers fully, and Gala, great advice, handled with care and compassion. However, i would like to know more about why some people have chosen not to get the vaccine, what exactly is wrong with it? No one warned me that there could be problems when i got it.
Hey there kiddo,
Like lots of people who have already posted, I’ve had the same procedure (twice!) that your mum is having, and it doesn’t have to be a big horrible nasty thing.
It’s important to remember that it’s NOT cancer. If she hadn’t been having regular tests and got treatment, then there’s the possibility it might have become cancer some time in the future, but as it stands, chances are your mum is going to be just fine.
I don’t mean to mislead you on this. Acknowledge the tiny risk that things might not be ok. But don’t let it get you down. Use this jarring reality check to remind yourself of how much you love your mum, and to take on board the fact that life isn’t always a walk in the park. It’s not much fun dealing with this stuff when you’re only 14, but I’ll bet you grow up to be strong and centered and wonderful because of it.
Best of luck.
e.
(PS, If – in the course of growing into the strong, centered, wonderful being I’m sure you’ll become – you fall off the rails and dress in black and hate the world, whatever you do, don’t take up smoking. It’s one of the easiest things you can do to avoid CIN. Having a family history of it means you need to be extra aware of this.)
Hey you guys.
Thanks so much for all these comments & notes of support & encouragement to Victoria. It means a lot to her, & to me too. This is what the iCiNG community is about — pulling together when it really matters. I appreciate your love & care. Thank you.
Hi Victoria and Gala,
I have been in this situation myself. My mother has cancer, she has had cancer after cancer after cancer for 10 years. She is now paralysed because of this because it has invaded her bones.
If anyone knows the importance of maintaining your own life and ocassionaly containing your worry it is me. For a long time I didn’t want to speak about this opening but now I know it sometimes is a good thing and it might help. At first I felt like I was dwelling and then something happened to me…
At the ripe age of 21 they found a lump in my breast too. This is not what I thought of when I thought of mother daughter bonding. Although I did not have it to the extremes as my mother has and there was no chemo or radiotherapy but now I have the most hideous scar I am ashamed off. I am still trying now to find comfort in my own body.
Preventative measures can be good for some but not all. Due to my lack of immune system after being so sick, the Gardasil vaccine for cervical cancer is no use to me.
If you feel you need to rant just as I have or would like to ask questions or anything please feel free to contact me. Gala can give you my email address privately if you like or find me on facebook or polyvore.
Things always find a way of sorting themselves out, be strong and remember that your sadness will show to your Mum so all you need to project to her right now is faith xoxox
When my mother got multiple scluerosis i was in 4th grade. It’s like cancer in that there’s no cure, but there are a lot of medicines and treatments to help kick its butt :D
It was weird though because MS is a tricky disease. I didn’t even realize how serious the condition was until i was much older. Now she is much better thanks to medicine (you wouldn’t even tell she had a problem) but i think she’s losing her memory. It’s difficult for me because there’s a very large communication gap between myself and my parents concerning her condition, so i’m often left in the dark about it all. Communication is really important. Nobody knows anything about the disease too. No one knows what it does or how it comes about. It can affect anything and most of the information about it is just speculation.
Basically what my point is, is try to keep the communication because otherwise you’ll all be very confused and frustrated.
Hi Gala, I love your blog. I;m sorry to hear that your mom might have cancer, I hope she doesn’t and that she is healthy and okay. My mom has cancer and it’s stage 4, which is terminal. She will die. I don’t know how I feel about this. Good vibes to you and your family.
My heart goes out to the writer of this letter. It isn’t easy having a mother with cancer … or being one. But there is help out there. I invite all your readers to visit Mothers With Cancer, a new website for mothers with cancer where we discuss the hard issues, the things we struggle with, and our joys as well. There are lists of resources across the top of the page, including a page of support ideas for kids and teens.
The best one that we’ve found for kids is Kids Konnected, which has books, web resources, and personal outreach to kids who have a parent with cancer. Please check it out….
motherswithcancer.com
kidskonnected.org
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