Will My Boyfriend Cheat On Me?
[ 28 August 2007 ]
“I have issues with my boyfriend’s history. He has had sex with nine other girls and hooked up with countless others… and while he has so far been faithful to me, I’m afraid that his past behavior will eventually take over. Is that legitimate? He says it hurts him when I say that, but I can’t help stop thinking about his tendencies and his flirtatious personality.”
I know what’s it like to be preoccupied with a fear about your partner’s fidelity. It’s awful. It makes you feel ill. I’m sorry that this stuff is on your mind at the moment.
Some thoughts which might appease your fears: Recognise that to a lot of people, nine sexual partners is but a drop in the ocean — hell, to some, it’s chaste. Remember that your boyfriend is with you for a reason. Consider the possibility that he was only behaving that way once upon a time because he was unhappy, or looking for something he couldn’t find — which maybe he feels he has with you.
But that stuff isn’t the real issue.
Here’s a little thing I’ve learned in my time on the planet: We get what we focus on. It doesn’t matter whether that thing is a subconscious or irrational fear (“What if I get attacked by a rabid dog?!”) or something we plug in on purpose (“I want a life like Carrie Bradshaw’s”). It’s just what happens. We move towards the thing we put the most energy into.
Have you ever noticed that the people who get cheated on the most are the ones who are constantly fearful of it happening? Or that really optimistic, positive people seem to always have amazing things happening to them? This is NOT coincidence!
You need to remove these fears from your mind. (The most effective way to do this is with EFT.) Otherwise, you will go crazy. Make the conscious decision to trust your boyfriend & to enjoy your time with him. If he cheats on you, he cheats on you. There is nothing you can do about it. You can either live your life in fear of what might happen, or let it go & get on with it! Nine lovers doth not a cheater make!
Trust your instincts. If you think he’s being shady or seeing girls behind your back, talk to him about it. But ultimately, if you don’t believe him or trust him, the best thing you can do is to get out of the relationship. Jealousy & insecurity is the number one relationship killer. Don’t let your worrying tendencies mess up something amazing!
I would also be inclined to say that your insecurity probably stems from a lack of self-esteem… Working on this issue is in your best interests!
Good luck, kitten!
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Also if you are constantly worrying about your man cheating on you, you won’t be much fun to be with and thus he will be more inclined to go and find a care-free happy gala-esque type lady to spend his time with. Sorry Gala just thought I would add to your already poignant piece!
Great advice, Gala! Another thing: she mentioned he’s had sex with a few people, and hooked up with a lot more, but has he ever cheated on any of these girls? Just because he has a diverse romantic/sexual history doesn’t mean that he hasn’t been faithful to the girls he’s been with in the past. Just try and trust him; relationships are all about trust!
I know this too well. In fact, until a few weeks ago I was this girl. The anxiety over him maybe possibly cheating on me was eating me up. It was taking a toll on the relationship, too—I was so scared that I stopped opening up to him in any way.
So, I sat him down and I said, “I know your history, I know what you’ve done, and I’m scared you’re going to cheat on me.” (I followed that up with “If you ever do cheat on me, I will stab you. No really, I will.) We talked for a long time about what we can do to build more trust in the relationship.
There are simple things like more phone calls to check in on each other and talk about plans, going on special dates (take out picnics, playgrounds, late night diners). And we’re also working on being completely honest about what we want from each other and telling each other what we really think.
It’s not perfect, and we’re still working on it, but anyone can tell you that communication can make or break a relationship. You need to tell him how you feel.
“We get what we focus on.”
Holy shit, Gala, it seems so simple, but you just put into words what I’ve been trying to make sense of for months!
For the past few years, I had a paralyzing fear of earthquakes—specifically (extremely specifically), the fear of a major earthquake in a tall building.
I moved to Hawaii last year (to the 11th floor of a 14-story building, of course) and would literally spring out of bed every single morning in gasping horror, convinced there was an earthquake and that the building was going to collapse and that I was going to die. Every morning my boyfriend would tell me I was having a nightmare and calm me down.
Then, one morning, I was literally knocked out of bed by intense shaking. The building was swaying violently and the structure itself was making a noise that sounded like a moan, like it was hurting and struggling to stay standing. I have never been so scared in my life and as I crouched near a closet, hyperventilating and crying, I kept gasping to my boyfriend, “I knew it! I told you!”
I’ve wondered ever since about the idea that I somehow brought it on myself. I mean, I was putting so much energy into those thoughts and fears that it had to go somewhere. Thank you for the clarity (and sorry this comment turned out to be like a blog post—I just needed to get everything down to make sense of it myself!)
Absolutely great advice!
oooh been here. gala’s so right.
getting over this fear was a long, long saga. it even involved me & my guy breaking up for a while, after being together for over a year. the fear that i wasn’t worth being faithful to was literally completely crippling. my life sort of disintegrated along with our relationship and my self-confidence.
but it’s really true: once we got some time apart, remembered why we liked each other so darn much, and i remembered that hey, i’m pretty unstoppably awesome. there was lots of soul-searching and a lot of really hard conversations but now, i have a feeling that we’re in it for the long haul. and regardless? i remember who i am now, and that makes me someone both he and i can really love.
That’s great advice Gala. I agree that the amount of partners you have had does not make you a bad, unfaithful person!!
I have been meaning to thank you for a past article you did. Three weeks ago I found out my boyfriend was married (ouuuch) and it was a struggle not to take him back, because I loved him. But I read your website and it said somewhere not to give a cheater a second chance etc etc, and I realised if I did take him back I wouldn’t be able to hold my head up high. So I didn’t, and in fact I’ve not seen him since. Thanks to you, laaaady :)
Amen to that!
A few months ago you mentioned “relentlessly working on your self esteem”.
Do you have any advice about how to do that? It might make for another fabulous article.
Wow, I am glad someone like you believes the same thing as I do. I think it’s very hard to stop putting energy into unhealthy things so I have to give over to rituals to throw in a fantasy element and clear my mind and it’s very effective. Heck, I am also prone to bouts of psychosomatic illness as most people. (as my friend poignantly put it, if everyone believes God is in a box, he really will be there). Accusing someone is only going to charge them up with this negative energy and they will end up resenting it.
You offer such good advice, I’m so glad you’re doing this!
PS I thought I posted this to you a while ago, I don’t think it went through! You’d love it.
http://www.lochers.com/
I can relate to that Jacinta!
I found out my boyfriend had not only been cheating on me, he’d been doing it in such a blase manner that many of our mutual friends knew about it and of course I was the last to know…
I found out because he was busted by my ex housemate at the strip club she works at…he had been sleeping with one of the other girls working there!
What a nerve…
I’ve found it really hard but I keep reminding myself that I’m the first person who actually responded to his behaviour with “no, i won’t take you back and i won’t be your friend because i can’t trust you, and I won’t let you do this to me again”.
It may have actually made him sit up and take notice of how much his behaviour hurts the people he loves.
Not that I’d know… :)
that’s why i never want to have a bf!! haha!
Ok , here it is, I created blog tips for fashion blogs so let me know what you think about it, what should I add to it. An opinion really matters to me.
~Julia
http://www.bontb.com/2007/08/blog-tips-for-fashion-blogs/
Awesome advice Gala,
I think, like you wrote, self-esteem is key here! If you think of yourself as someone a man would be a fool to cheat on, then two things happen. One you project that to your boyfriend, he might realize you are too awesome to cheat on. Two, if a man does cheat on you, you won’t take it, and you will without question (or very few questions) say good bye to him for good. Because, you are someone to cool to be cheated on and no one gets away with it for long!
Once again – great advice :)
I mostly agree with what you’re saying and do feel that the power of positive thinking is an important part of life. However, I feel that “if you think he’s going to cheat, he will” is crap and creates a blame-the-victim mentality. “Oh, he cheated on you? It’s your fault because you were thinking about it.” Wrong.
Cheaters do so out of their own free will. No one makes them do it. (If they’re cheating because they’re unhappy or not getting enough sex or whatever reason they love to cite, they have the option of ending the relationship before they move on to the next lover.) Cheating is a choice.
Habitual cheaters are typically the ones with the self-esteem problem, needing that next “fix”, that next conquest“to feel good about themselves. Unfortunately, some women are drawn to that kind of person.
Habitual cheaters, in my experience, don’t suddenly become happy, monogamous partners. If he has a history of cheating on all (or most) of his girlfriends… don’t be surprised if he cheats on you. And it’s not your fault. It’s all on him.
If he’s had nine lovers, fine, he never said he cheated on any of them, right? That’s the question you need to be asking – not “how many lovers.” Ask, “How did you treat them?”
I agree with Lou 100%. Having a lot of lovers is one thing (and, again, 9 isn’t necessarily a lot, depending on who you’re asking), but it doesn’t make him a cheat.
It’s entirely possible that he was faithful to everyone of them.
Like Lou said, it shouldn’t be a question of how many lovers he has had, but how he treated them. More importantly, how does he treat you?
Even if he was a cad in the past, he may have learned from his mistakes. If he treats you well, that’s really all that matters.
Did he cheat on past girlfriends? Just because he had a promiscious single life does not mean that he’ll remain that way once he’s in a relationship. If he’s rarely in a relationship and he usually just had casual sex, it says that he values you a lot more than those other girls because he committed.
I cheated on an ex-boyfriend of mine, and I told him about it. He forgave it, it was early in our relationship, but we are actually back together now and he does seem to think that I am more prone to infidelity because I have cheated in the past. What I had to make him understand that, though I cheated on him two years ago, since then I’ve changed a lot. The fact of the matter is that while I had a sex life that could be termed fairly active before we began this stage of our relationship, I am completely in this. I wouldn’t be with him if I thought that I couldn’t give up others, because fidelity is important to him (though I would’ve been fine with an open relationship, at least at the start. Now things are a little more serious. :D) and I wouldn’t lead him on in a way, however hypothetical the potential cheating was.
He too, had a very active sex life, even more so than me, and I know that often, people who worry about things (like cheating) are the people who do those things (like cheating). It does concern me from time to time, but I have come to terms with the fact that people are only people, and they are flawed, and beautiful in their flaws. If he cheats, he cheats. I could forgive that, depending on the circumstance.
Is it just sex? Or is it sex and love? Sex isn’t love, and love isn’t limited. What it comes down to is the importance of trust within your relationship, and the significance of the cheating, if it does occur.
*unrelated comment:
I have just been listening to Tori Amos’ “American Doll Posse” album and it made me think of your dress up days! The whole theme of the new album is Tori having these almost like alter-egos, her “posse.” I think that would make a wonderful theme for a dress up day! Like – who is in your posse?
elizabeth — Good for you. Open, honest communication is so important in a relationship. Often, even if you both have major issues to sort through, just knowing that you’re both on the same page can be a huge relief & make it much easier. I hope your dates & extra attention to one another work out, but deciding to trust one another is a step you’re going to have take at some stage.
Winona — Oh, wow! I’m sooo glad to have helped you have a breakthrough! Yeah, I am big on personal responsibility — I believe I am personally responsible for eeeeverything that happens to me. It’s a daunting thought initially, but once you get used to it, you realise it gives you ability to create whatever you want! I’m sorry you were in a big earthquake, I grew up in a city which was notorious for them — we usually slept through them (but then, there was never a major one while I lived there). & you wouldn’t like my apartment, we’re up 40 storeys! ;D
dorkas — I agree that you are unstoppably awesome! It’s fantastic that you have your sense of self back. That can be so hard to deal with in an intimate relationship, especially if you don’t feel like there is a lot of space to explore yourself. (Hard to describe but I’m sure you know what I mean.) I hope you & your guy are happy for years to come!
Jacinta — Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Ouch! That’s so ugly. Good on you for not giving him a second chance. I gave one of my ex’s a “second chance” & for the rest of the relationship, I felt like the underdog, like the stupid girl who had given him all the power. It sucked. I’m proud of you, miss!
sparky — Good question! I’ll write it down & work something up for you :>
Zoe — You know what? The method isn’t important, just the end result. If you have to put your shoes on backwards & chant & ring a bell to get the results you need, then WHO CARES if it works?! Kisses to you. Oh & I did get that email from you, & I thought I replied! I’ve seen their website & their stuff is pretty neat ;>
Amy Lou — What a bastard. But GOOD ON YOU for taking a stand. You probably are the first person to tell him “no”, which is awesome, hopefully it will change his behaviour (but then, who knows really). Stay well, cutie.
sarasuperid — Good call honey!
ZoeG — Well, I don’t know that it is as easy as “your fault” or “my fault”. Of course, people are responsible for their own actions, & that brings me to your view of personal responsibility. I am big on taking responsibility for what happens to me. If I had a boyfriend who cheated on me, I’d be asking myself why I had attracted someone like that into my life in the first place. What place did that person serve in my life? Did we get involved because I didn’t feel I deserved a man to be faithful to me? What lesson was I supposed to learn from being involved with them? Do you see what I mean?
Lou — Amen!
Sarah Decay — Thank you for commenting, that’s really interesting. The whole cheating issue is very tricky, because to some people, sex is unimportant, therefore sleeping with other people is okay. Whereas for others, sex is valued the most highly. People need to work out for themselves (& their partners) where they fall in this spectrum. I think your last paragraph is very apt.
diana — Hmm, good idea… !
My boyfriend is always worried that I will cheat on him because I had a rather active sex life before we started going out.
9?? That’s not that many :)
I get sick of reassuring him a lot.
That said, I think trust and self esteem are the key issues here. You hit the nail on the head when you said you cn either live in fear or not. You cannot know if someone will cheat on you. Or stop them if they really want to cheat on you. All you can do is enjoy yourself and believe in the positive.
Now if only someone would tell my boyfriend that….
Haha yes, true! I just do it to add a fantasy element into focusing. I think it builds the bridge between psychiatry (I don’t have much faith in the paranormal) and what really appeals to people and how we understand things :)
Ahh you must have done! I’m silly.
Hi there,
Ive recently been worrying all the time, thinking my boyfriend is going to finish with me or cheat on me, and everytime he asks to go out with his friends i snap at him. what do i need to do, i no he loves me to bits but what should i do.
Thanks
im scared my boyfriend will chaet on me he said he never would and im all he wants but i have trust issues and dont know why what should i do? i love him and i dont wanna lose him but i also cant take the pain and worry
I have the same problem here to. My boyfriend never ever gives me a reason to believe he would cheat on me but because he has such a history and I don’t (he is my first boyfriend) I keep on thinking that maybe some day he will. When we first got together he laid it all out on the table and said that he had 2 major relationships and when he was in these relationships he never ever cheated on his partner but when he was a single bachlor he ran around shagging whoever he wanted till one day he decided that this wasn’t what he wanted and wanted to settle down with a nice girl and grow up. Then I walked in! He never ever goes anywhere without me and if he goes out once in awhile with his mates he lets me know where he is, who he is with and reguarly keeps in touch during the night. He told me from day one that he will only break up with me if I cheat on him and I said the same thing. Yet somehow I keep on thinking I’m never good enough for him and that he’ll leave me for someone else or cheat on me. I know that the more I think about it the more it may happen and he really hasn’t given me a reason to think he would but I agree with Gala that I should just relax and go with the flow. I felt very insecure from day one because I know he is very social and has tons of friends both guys and girls and when we go out he’ll talk to chick friends of his and I get jealous but he’ll always hold my hand, kiss me and acknowledge me when we go out and yet somehow my insecurity stops me from trusting him even though deep down I do trust him! I think I just need to grow up and learn to trust a little. I think lack of trust there is always a reason behind it. I have plently of reasons not to trust people and I think if I deal with them first then it might make things alot easier in my relationship.
hey i am 20 years old and i have a boyfirend for 2 year and we have a cute liltle girl she now 7 month and now i am pregnant for him. but i know he cheat on me we dont live together and he tell me that he work but i know he not work i dont get call for him he go out with his guy firend i really dont trust him went he not with me i just think that he cheat on me but he say i am not cheat on you i love you and i cant trust that. i want to trust him but i cant sometime i am scared that he will not be with me and the kids i love him so much that i dont wanna to lose him. i just cant take this pain so more. he lie to me all the time he cant step up and be a men i know he have sex with othe people i really dont know whant to do.
HEEEELP!!
Hi there, lately I’ve been quite worried about my boyfriend having cheated on me (we’ve been together for one year). One day I got this strange feeling about him, and I had the need to check his e mail (I know it’s not nice to do so), when I opened it I saw that he had opened a new account at gmail. Curiosity got into me so I checked the email and I found that he had suscribed into this stupid page called adult friend finder, which turned out to be a web page for sexual encounters…. I totally freaked out and I coulnd’t wait to hear what he had to say…. His answer was totally stupid and ilogical, I guess I believed him because I love him. He told me that he has used that 4 years ago to meet women and have casual sex, but that he didn’t use that anymore. The thing is that his profile said that he had opened it only a month ago… When I told him this, he said, “Oh I was only trying to reach my old account so I could show it to you, so I thought that if I opened another account I could find a way to retrieve the password of the old email I used to have…” I know I know… It doesn’t make any sense at all, later I logged in into this cheap account and I saw that he had been browsing users and he even had a naked girl in his “hot list”.... Later he deleted the account in front of me, but I think that he may have reopened it…. I don’t know why I believed him, maybe because I know that he doesnt know much about computers or the web, or maybe I’m just fooling myself ….. I’m not sure what to do! Someone please help me :(
Don’t even get me started with adult friend finder. My piece of CRAP fiance gave me the same freaking story until I made a fake account and contacted him and HE RESPONDED.