Destructive Relationships
[ 4 April 2007 ]
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
This whole subject is such a minefield. Nobody likes to be told that their bad relationship or their general unhappiness is their responsibility, but ultimately, the only way to fix things is to take the bull by the horns (as it were) & start making some changes.
Yesterday I talked to a friend about my In Bed With Your Parents article, about how your childhood experiences impact on your life today. She got very defensive & angry, which is sad because I wanted to help her. My intention in writing this is not to upset or offend anyone, but to (hopefully) help you. Also, I would like to add that I am not exempt from the whole situation. I have been in plenty of bad relationships in my time. So please take it in the manner in which it was intended! Okay, disclaimer aside…
Are you in an unhealthy relationship? You’ll probably know, deep down, if you are — but denial is a powerful thing. If you’re not sure, have a read through this list. The following are all signs that your relationship could be better:
You think that there is one special person who will make you happy. (Hint: no one can make you happy except yourself.)
Your friends — who normally have good judgment — dislike your partner a lot, & when they criticise him/her, you end up springing to their defense with weak excuses like, “Oh, but he’s normally not like that…”
You put up with your lover treating you badly, & feel like if you wait long enough/try hard enough/become a better person, this bad treatment will stop.
You’ve tried to leave before, but you can’t, or you feel unhappy with them but think you would be worse off alone.
The way you treat each other is atrocious but the sex is really good.
You never know what is going to happen next — & not in an exhilirating, romantic way, more in a stomach-churning, nauseated by fear kind of way.
You think that if you left them, they wouldn’t care.
You barely ever see your friends, family or anyone else. It’s natural to be in love & want to see your loved one all the time, but it’s not healthy to cut yourself off from the world. Your friends have complained about it, but you don’t care.
Everything else in your life is suffering — along with your social life, your health & career are also going down the tubes. Find it hard to concentrate at work because of your constant personal drama? Are you eating a lot more, or less, than usual? Do you get drunk to memory-loss as often as possible? Do you do anything other than spend time with person x?
Your partner scares you, intimidates you or is abusive physically, emotionally or sexually.
There is really no way to improve a relationship that is bad for you. People rarely change, regardless of how much we want them to. The only way they will change is if THEY want to, & even then, it is a long, hard road. There are probably ways to make it more tolerable in the short-term, if that’s what you want — is that really what you want? If so, start reading relationship books, though ultimately they will echo what I’ve written here.
If you want to break your bad patterns, have a think about how you would actually like your relationships to be. Do you want a girlfriend who can’t live without you — or is her clinginess & dependency on you going to feel suffocating? I personally think the make-up of a good relationship is something like: open, honest communication; respect; intimacy & fun. Communication is probably the most important part. If you are too scared to voice your opinion to your partner, or you’re afraid of how they’ll react, you have a problem. If you can’t communicate, believe me when I say it won’t last.
Imagine a healthy relationship in your mind. Think about how both parties would behave. Then make a list of those traits — for example, someone in a good relationship would expect to be treated well, & not accept any less, or have a partner who encouraged them to have their own social life. Write it down. Make it three pages long if you need to.
Now, I know that this sounds overly simplistic, but all you need to do now is pretend to be the person you’ve just written about. Seriously, that’s it. Walk how they would (probably tall & proud), dress the way they would, speak the way they would, & only interact with people who you think they would. If your friends think you’re acting weird, tell them what you’re doing. If they’re supportive of you, keep them around — if not, bin ‘em. Negativity is bullshit!
You will find by doing this for long enough that you will become this person. Sometimes the way you used to be will slip through, but don’t worry about it, just keep doing it. Fake it until you make it.
Other things you can do to avoid slipping back into bad relationship habits:
When you meet someone, don’t have sex too soon. You risk emotionally bonding yourself to someone who you may be completely incompatible with — which will put you right back where you started.
Try to see people AS THEY ARE, not as you want them to be.
Communicate. If someone says they’ll call & they don’t, challenge them on it. You deserve someone who does what they say they will.
Don’t give people second chances. You may need to be tougher than most people for a while, just to make sure you break the habit of being a doormat.
Listen to your gut. If you think someone might be cheating on you, or that things don’t feel right, get out. Don’t second-guess yourself.
Make sure your partner makes you feel good about yourself. Most people get into destructive relationships because of low self-esteem. The person you share a bed with should make you feel like the most amazing person in the world.
Instead of freaking out about the relationship, focus on yourself. “Remember you? What do YOU want?” For a lot of people (women, especially), their relationship becomes their hobby — they work at it & think about it obsessively. Think about yourself for a change.
Not sure how to get out of it? Don’t delay. It will become more difficult the longer you put it off. If you’re living together & know it’ll be you moving out, make arrangements with a friend to stay at their place. Then comes the hard part. Once you’ve made your decision, sit down your soon-to-be-ex & tell them you’re leaving. Explain why. You do not need their permission to leave, you do not need to justify your reasoning. Try not to get into all that ugly “I don’t love you anymore” stuff. Then make your escape.
If you want more information, I definitely recommend Hot Relationships by Tracey Cox. It is really a very good book. Another great book which I love is The Guide To Getting It On by Paul Joannides. (It’s huge but it’s so good that I want to buy every new edition that comes out. It covers pretty much every aspect of sex & relationships that you could possibly think of.)
Reading this article is not going to change your situation. It might make you more aware of what’s going on, but I know by now that people will do what they want to, regardless of what you tell them. If you really want to change your relationship patterns & get happier, you need to take action. Take responsibility for your life! If you’re miserable, you need to do something about it! You are in charge, even if you think you’re not. Take care of yourself.
Extra for Experts:
Negative People — how to get them out of your life.
I’m So Jealous! — tips for improving your self-esteem.
Love letters & feather headdresses,
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i found myself loving this article. and number three of your list jumped out at me like a red flag…thinking that if we wait long enough or change ourselves the other person will change or become a better person too. my situation is a little different, in that we’re married, going on three years, and he just is not who he used to be anymore. actually this may get personal so I’m going to message you now. But I do have a valid question regarding this topic! :D
Oh, I’ve been there, and denied that anything was wrong, or that it was abusive. In hindsight, I can’t believe how stupid I was. I hope this makes someone realise sooner than I did.
I look at your factors of knowing if a relationship is bad, and I think, “tick, tick, tick.” I guess the good thing is that, hopefully, now that I have been in and got out of a bad one, I won’t let it happen again.
And I can happily say that in my current relationship, none of those factors apply.
Thanks Gala, you’re wonderful at being insightful and telling us what we kind of know but don’t really want to believe and are not sure about. applauds
/sigh. this article fits me perfectly, argh. unfortunately, i am most definitely not strong enough to follow your advice. not yet, anyway.
xo
Aw Sophie darling. You’ll get there. I think the world of you regardless of what you do! & I have faith that when you’re ready, you will burst into flower & make whatever changes you need to. Cheesy but true. xxxxx
Rachael — I think everyone has at least one sub-par relationship in their life. It’s all a process of learning, etc. I think the real danger is when it becomes a pattern. Your lovers should get better the older you become! I know that sounds simple, but it should be an upwards curve…
It’s hard to write about these things because the risk of offending or upsetting people is high. No one wants to think that their unhappiness is their own responsibility, it is an awful realisation, but ultimately it is the most empowering of all — because it means you can fix it, rather than being at the mercy of the universe/god/etc.
Ms. Mae Jane — Hmm! Okay! I look forward to hearing from you cutie!
Good post.
A couple of days ago, a girl was killed at my school by her crazy, abusive ex-boyfriend. She had gotten out of the relationship and did everything she should’ve done to cut him off (changed her number, got a restraining order, etc.) But somehow he still managed to track her down and kill her. I didn’t know her but the news made me terribly sad. It’s astounding to think how many women have to deal with abuse in relationships that should be nurturing and loving.
Oh Gala, this post rings so very true… what’s terribly frustrating for me is that I SEE this and I AGREE with you (and all the others who’ve said it all to me before) but I still find it so hard to actually leave this person who’s been in my life for so many years… I wonder why that is? I’ve been with this man on and off for 5 years and I can make pages of lists of reasons that prove he is just not good for me/we are just not good together, but when I try to really leave him, I just can’t seem to and I find myself horribly anxious about “never meeting someone else (better?)” and that ridiculous thought of BEING ALONE [dun dun dun] FOREVER creeps in. Ridiculous! I know!
Anyway sorry for writing a novella there, but thanks for the post! I recently found you and your site here and I LOVE it! You sure seem pretty neat and you’ve found a fan in me : )
PhotoBetty — That is awful. I don’t mean to offend you, but have you considered counselling or therapy? It will help you work through these issues so you can take back control of your life again. & believe me, someone better always comes along! Kisses~
I have found that the best partners bring out the best in one another. If you can honestly say that you and your partner do that for each other, that is a wonderful thing. The trick is to be honest about what your “best” is, even if it means being seemingly selfish about your needs.
this really help me, i didnt know what to do about the end of my relationship, and i was thinking on forgiveness and tell her to come back. but now i realize i just cant do that to myself…no more excuses and no more shame or sadness for feeling this way.
thank you gala, reading this (and other articles) always makes me feel strong and less alone.
Thank you for posting this. I am 25 and after ending another destructive relationship a few months ago I’ve been seriously evaluating myself. Looking at past relationships and seeing the pattern was mind blowing.
I am a firm believer now that the relationships you have with your parents greatly affect your future relationships. My communication with my parents is terrible, so it makes sense that I never speak up when I’m upset with my partner. I’m always trying to keep things balanced, when in fact I am the one suffering from it.
I always thought I was confident to an extent but I SETTLE. I settle for men who make it clear that I might like them more than they like me, and I’ll settle for that shit. It was sad for me to realize that I didn’t think much of myself.
You Wrote:
“When you meet someone, don’t have sex too soon. You risk emotionally bonding yourself to someone who you may be completely incompatible with — which will put you right back where you started.”
This has been my major problem. I’m extremely passionate and when I meet someone who I feel I connect with, I go for it. But I’ve learned that after sex I am blinded by infatuation, therefore not being able to look at him objectively to see if we are compatible.
Being aware this now and seeing the severity of it I am ready to enter a healthy chapter in my life. Thanks again.