How To Be Confident
[ 3 September 2007 ]
I receive a lot of email about how to be yourself when people around you — parents, friends, teachers, workmates — feel the need to bug you about what you’re wearing or how you look. Girls email me & say, “I wish I could dye my hair a crazy colour but I think I would get so much trouble that it’s not worth it”. Boys explain, “I love to get dressed up & make an effort with my appearance, & it’s really hard when everyone around me tells me I look crazy”.
Let me tell you a little something. Being ‘different’ is always harder than being ‘normal’ & fitting in, towing the line. There is always more effort involved. Any schmuck can wear jeans & comb their hair & be a lemming. It takes someone with guts & a bit of a twist to do something different. Which side you take is totally up to you, but I guess it would be slightly biased of me to say that being on the ‘weird’ side is a lot more fun…
I have always been a bit of a nut. When I was 13 & discovered the internet, my whole life really changed. I stopped torturing myself by listening to the radio & started to seek out music I actually LIKED. I went a bit goth. I would catch the bus into the city & wear a pair of silver angel wings strapped to my back all day. It was during this time that I learned how difficult it was to be weird, but also how much value there was in it. Getting on the bus where I lived was always an ordeal, regardless of how I dressed. Even when I was a ‘normal’ dresser, there were still hordes of teenagers sitting in the back seats, ready to jeer or berate anyone who they didn’t instantly like the look of. While I & my image changed, they didn’t. I realised it didn’t matter HOW I looked, I would still get the same response. So I thought, to hell with them. I’ll do what I want. Why should I bow to someone else?
As you can imagine, a 14 year old girl wearing black & angel wings got a lot of attention. The strangest thing, to me anyway, was that most of the attention was positive. The people who I thought would be most vehemently negative — adults — were actually the opposite. They would stop me in the street to say how great I looked, & how I had brightened up their day. Just by being me, just by dressing how I wanted to.
Does anyone ever have that effect by wearing a pair of jeans & a t-shirt?
Hopefully, this knowledge will help give you some confidence when it comes to wearing something a bit risky or a bit ‘out there’. Of couse, building confidence is really important for all kinds of scenarios. Here are some ways to work on it:
Realise how amazing you are. There will never be anyone like you. That’s why it is so important to express yourself as much as you can — if you don’t, the world will miss out. Develop your talents. If you love to write or paint or sing or add numbers together, do it more often! This will naturally make you feel good about yourself.
Learn to love & accept yourself. Truly, this is the most crucial thing. I know it sounds corny & lame, but hating yourself is much higher on the corn-&-lame-o-meter. It can be really hard to do this, so I suggest using EFT. (It changed my life, I will never stop advocating its use!)
Learn how to avoid creeps. It sounds crazy but it works, without fail, every time. It is a fantastic energy management technique.
Accept compliments with grace. Even (& especially!) if you don’t believe what the compliment-giver has said! Just say, “Thank you”, even though you might want to blurt out “Oh how wrong you are!”. People tell you nice things because they want to make you feel good. Why would they waste their breath telling you a lie? Eventually, you will begin to believe it when people praise you.
Choose a role-model, & think “What would ______ do?”. Then act accordingly! Madonna is my role-model of the moment, but you might like to use Cary Grant, James Bond, Elizabeth Taylor, Anna Wintour, or one of your parents. (I often channel my mother or father in social situations.)
Stick up for yourself. Don’t put up with those nasty people who make a joke out of being awful to everyone else. It’s tragic & it makes you feel awful. Change your social group if you have to — it will make an enormous improvement to the quality of your life. (Read this for more info.)
Rehearse in your head. If you’re nervous about phonecalls, job interviews or general conversations, rehearse them alone. I do this all the time, I can’t help myself! It definitely helps.
Finally, the (seemingly) superficial things. Think about your body language & posture. Straighten your back, drop your shoulders & hold your head high. Kooky as it sounds, this will automatically give you confidence. When you talk to people, look them in the eye as much as possible. If you’re freaked out by the concept of hearing what other people might be saying about you, wear headphones while you walk around.
Remember that other people’s opinions of you are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! (If I worried about what everyone else thought, I’d never get anything done…)
Other people who have said it better…
“The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.” — Rita Mae Brown
“The opposite of bravery is not cowardice but conformity.” — Robert Anthony
“The only fundamental rule for me is to just be yourself. Let your freak-flag fly, and if someone doesn’t get you, move on.” — Drew Barrymore
“Is life not a thousand times too short for us to bore ourselves?” — Friedrich Nietzsche
RADICAL self-love & stardust,
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Thank you so much, Gala! This is EXACTLY what i’ve been needing lately (Geez, are you a mind-reader, or something?), and it’s been a good help. I’ve been dealing with an unfortunate case of self-hate that’s been plaguing me for a while, and thanks to a couple of your articles, i’ve realised that is wasn’t quite right, and right now i’m attempting to work on accepting myself, and slowly trying to build up confidence.
Again, I thank you, you’re work has changed me for the better, even if only a little. Amazing job, Gala. You’re just plain awesome.
Love it! You’re so clever, Ms Gala – you really are! Yay!
Something I always like to remeber is that if people are having a go at you, it’s about THEM, not you.
And I LOVE this: “Express yourself as much as you can — if you don’t, the world will miss out.”
:-D
thank you gala, i was just having a dabate in my mind about wearing this vintage coat to school -which is not particularly in fashion and my ex-friends (negative ones as I took your advice before) might comment over. Thanks! I’m so wearing whatever I like now! xx
Thank you so much for this! I’m still young enough to be in high school, but by dressing how I like I gain hostility, and I’m using this as a push for wearing combat boots to the school dance. Thanks bunches!
Great article Gala.
Thankyou so much for the link to stevepavlina.com. I’m having a lot of difficulty with my depression at the moment and this site is helping (as are your articles, of course.)
oh my God, I am such a liky person. I have never had insecurity problems in any aspect of my life. In fact, I am over confident and tend to leave people mouth agap. hehehehhe
oh my God, I am such a lucky person. I have never had insecurity problems in any aspect of my life. In fact, I am over confident and tend to leave people mouth agap. hehehehhe
gala your an angel..reading how to be confident is exactly what iv been needing to hear.
much love xx
OMG!! You are soo right. My mum and sister used to always criticize my look, my decisions, and my overall persona. They still do sometimes, but I don’t care because I like to do what makes me happy. Like this time that I bought ripped jeans my whole family was like “Are you going out in those?” and when I wore them and they looked how happy I was they started complimenting me.
It is wonderful that you get the message of being yourself out there. I hate it when people try be something they’re not just to fit it. I love being myself and certainly I wouldn’t want to be anyone else in this world.
Thanks Gala, this is exactly what I’ve been wanting to read all day long.
Kisses and hugs.
My favourite thing about dressing “differently” is the attention you get from children, who haven’t been taught not to stare, or not to talk to anyone who looks like me. The little girls especially love it when my hair is a “girly” colour like pink or purple. It’s sad, though, when I hear them say to their parents, “Can I have hair like that?”. The usual response is “No! That’s not a proper way to dress!”, followed by a yank to their arm to pull them away. I’m glad my parents always encouraged me to do whatever I wanted. Unless it involved going out in my all-black outfits with WRINKLES or LINT, oh my!
I liked your article on avoiding creeps (and I’d comment there if this laptop wasn’t painfully slow), but even being confident isn’t enough in this neighbourhood. Though, I do notice that the KIND of catcalls I get when I’m feeling confident are entirely different. I guess that’s something, right?
i use to love having bright coloured hair.
one night i was busy at work and a lady came up to me and said “my son and i saw you yesterday at the mall, and i just wanted to say we both really love your hair.” that still makes me smile thinking about it
i dont think i remember anyone saying anything bad about my hair, although im sure people did, but i do remember lots of other people saying how much they liked it.
well, that´s a great piece of advice… I think it´s really good that you´re helping people gain confidence in themselves!!
I don´t care what people say of me, I don´t care if people talk behind my back (which they obviously do); I love being my freaky self, hanging out with the boys (which for some reason annoys some people, as if it was their business), and wearing a crown whenever I want..
My favorite thing of all is dressing differently, even if I get a bad response to it I feel so different and special :)
Wow I used to be all worried about fitting in and stuff, and I just did what everyone else did. But this past summer (I’m 14) I went on the internet alot too, and started listening to music I liked, not what everyone else thought was cool. And then I figured if I can listen to what I want, I can dress how I want. I wasn’t sure how to do it though, because the stuff I would want to wear is really bright and crazy, and I’m really shy. This helped give me some more confidence to be able to wear those crazy neon colored shirts and bright hair colors and not care what everyone else thinks. I realized that being different is more fun. You defidently get noticed more! Thanks =)
About 2 weeks ago I dyed my hair multi-rainbow colours, and sine then I have been getting comments n it left and right, from elder women. Not that I’m complaining or anything positive feedback is great no matter whom its from. But also I’ve noticed, many younger adults my age (17) give me dirty looks or all me name’s. I can’t seem to figure out why the elder love my hair while the young hate it. But I enjoy my hair that’s all that matter’s, along with the fact that I scared a bunch of little children from it makes it better. Sorry if my English is not to great.
Vert interesting post Gala!
I think I have had followed a similar path to you. For as long as I can remember I have been a bit of an oddball when it came to my appearance. Being a city kid, this was never a huge issue until my parents up and moved us to the country when I was around 11. My first day at a new Primary school and I was dressed in pale shredded levi jeans, white fishnets underneath, combat boots and a Courtney Love-esque teal babydoll dress. Lets not even mention the preposterous plastic Jewelry! Needless to say, walking into a classroom full of country kids in surfie gear or trackies was rather mortifying for me. And they were gobsmacked.
It took a little while for everyone to get used to me and my wierd’ style, but I’m so glad that at such a young age I decided to stick to my guns and retain my own style, that attitude has set me up for life! – I also like to hope I influenced a few of my country kid friends to experiment a little and sway from the norm too!
To this day i am still a crazy dresser, and I am almost 100% honest when I say most of the feedback I get from strangers is positive – Tourists from all over the world want photos with me [!!!], I have been offered jobs because I ‘look the part’, been in magazines, been given free or cheaper products because someone has taken a shine to my outfit or wierd hair.
...And while that is all fabulous, it isn’t of course the reason I dress the way I do – it is because this is how I feel comfortable. It is how I feel I should look and therefore I am able give my best at everything I do because I am satisfied with who I am and what image I project.
The only thing I think people should worry about in regards to having an ‘out there’ sense of style, is WHY they are choosing to dress like that. if it is for any other reason than for themselves, I would also question if it is the right choice for the individual!
Just adding to the Gala love, you are amazing :) I found you through Amphigori and now I am addicted to your site and I even bought Cosmo just so I could read your article.
Thanks for being fabulous!
Amen to that!
Being weird is sooo much more fun than being normal. I always feel much more confident when Im wearing something that stands out. I love seeing people smile when they find my clothes amusing or whatever and I always get excited when I see someone else dressed in something out of the ordinary.
Walking with good posture and your chin up does help a lot. Im always getting told that I strut but what is wrong with strutting?
Im proud to fly my freak-flag.
Thanks for the great post Gala.
Annabel — Yay yay! I’m glad it’s come at the right time for you. & thank you so much, I’m more than happy to help!
Nadine — Merci! That whole “it’s about them” thing took me a long time to learn… but I’m glad I know it now! It makes life so much better!
A*My — Hoorah! Go the vintage coat!
Lexie — Omg, combat boots to the school dance! That is so awesome!
Song — My pleasure honeypuff. Steve’s website is pretty good. I’d also recommend seeking out books by SARK — she’s a total champ! & I hope you feel better soon…
eugenia — Yup, you’re definitely lucky! So many people struggle with this stuff, whether it comes from their parents’ lack of support, cruel kids at school or romantic trouble…
bek — Kiss! Anytime!
Juls — Good on you for knowing yourself well enough that you don’t bow to familial pressure! That can be a hard one to get away from… we are usually naturally wired to try to impress & please our parents, which is why being criticised by them can be SO hard. Hug!
Candice — Ahhh yes, I always have little girls asking if they can have pink hair too! I like to think I’m inspiring them to look strange when they’re old enough!
sarah — Awwhhh. Yay! That’s awesome. I think a lot of people look at those of us with wild hair or the courage to dress how we want to & feel like they should praise us for taking chances where they haven’t been able to…
Diana — People are probably threatened by the fact that you can get along with men easily. Don’t let it bother you!
Crystall — Awesome, good for you! The earlier you start exploring your own style, the better off you’ll be later in life!
ghost — I’m pretty sure that’s just because young people are threatened or intimidated by the attention you’re attracting. Older people tend to be a bit more secure about that, if they have a clue anyway!
Bex[ceptional] — Your first day of school outfit sounds awesome. Haha! You sound like you have a very strong self of sense, which is so rare. Must be nice ;>
Jenni — Aw, I heart Jackie! Yay, I’m glad you’ve found iCiNG! Hope Cosmo lived up to your expectations! :D
Stacy — Woo, freak-flag! Amen! & there’s nothing wrong with strutting… it’s all about confidence!
Hey Gala there really isn’t a big enough word to say how much I appreciate this article… THANK YOU!!! I must admit though I to have always had that confident walk about me and sadly it doesn’t work… like I’ll get bagged for having a longer neck… but I try to ignore it… however I really do like how the fashion industry has embraced unique looks… but I wish that it wasn’t just adults who liked unique looks… anywayz Gala thank you again this has really influenced me!!!
ShalomXOXOX
Fabulous. I love those quotes.
this is a fantastic post. self-hate is truly the lamest thing, i feel it’s almost braver to decide to be happy.
i’ve been thinking of getting a tattoo for ages now, and this post and a bunch of other things are kinda directing me to do it, screw the reactions at school. thanks!
I’ve never been one for conformity, even (especially?) as a teenager. I remember turning up to school in a 2nd hand 3-piece men’s suit with a rather daring neckline, which completely threw most of my class mates and all of my teachers. I don’t think they knew quite what to do with me! I also remember as a teenager being approached by women in their 20s and 30s telling me how great I looked, how much they liked my hat/eyeshadow/style etc. Now I make a point of complimenting any young woman who dresses with her own sense of style. Unfortunately there are so few where I live, which makes it all the more refreshing when you see someone walk past with their shoulders back, their accessories extravagant and their style original. I think it’s important to tell them they look fab; I know what an influence it had on me!
I’d LOVE to have brightly coloured hair, but unfortunately, my school won’t allow it. :[
And my motto is “What Would Jeffree Star Do?”, which sounds kind of insane, but when you think about it, he’s gotta have guts! And I’ve lost count of the amount of times it’s given me confidence!
ahhhhhh non-conformity and weird-ness. A subject so close to my heart. So I’m not going to go and say I’m 100% super-super “wear anything and get away with it” confident but in the last couple of years in high school I made some of the biggest steps in becoming the proper “Nicola”
For me, striking up my own style started with wearing “Disstressed” steel-toe construction boots to school as my uniform black school shoes. My twist on them? Fluoro-yellow satin ribbons for laces. (Nu rave before my time – non?)that was 4 years ago and I haven’t looked back. Fun was made, people laughed, I got called a Dyke but f’em… This is me! Since then I’ve been making my own little waves. I cut hair into a pixie-type style (Yeah i also do my own hairdressing!)followed by dying it (or tinting it at least. I have dark hair. I’ll commit and bleach soon, I promise) Pink. I keep all the clothes that made my feel queasy (I.e. stuff I bought to fit in with the other kids. Usually it was too small seeing as how i was in denial about the enormity of my curvaciousness.) And use the material to make something that makes me happy. Even if thats just a Frankenstein-esque stuffed animal. So now pretty much everything about my existence is DIY.
But to be honest once I made that seemingly bold move to wear those boots I’ve never looked back. And I’ve never really got any negative criticism either since. I like to think I’ve gained some respect. Or at least carved my only little niche. Now all my friends say something like “Wow thats so you”. I only noticed that recently. I never really got any compliments about my style or my demeanor before. Ppl seem to notice how much happier and excited i am. And its a vicious cycle. The more happier/excited you are the more confident you become. It just takes a leap to get you started trust me.
(Ps. I get loads of comments on my hair too. Probably the nicest so far was from one of the girls at work who told me it really suited me. My personality and my colouring. That was just a pin-dropping moment for me!)
smooches everyone!
Nicola!
(pps. Another awe-inspiring article Gala. WOOT! lol And sorry about my comment being Novel length!)
I plan on dying some of my hair blue in the future because of you, Gala. :)
Awesome article! Your website is getting more wonderful by the day.
I remember back in middle school (those “clique-y” years) I used to go around with a hairband with a big black stuffed cat popping above my head, or a pumpkin. I thought sweaters were the best look for all seasons, including summer. Looking back, I’m not so sure that was the best look ever, but I’m glad I didn’t give about any snotty crowd-follower’s opinion!
Something I realized after a month of bright red lippy usage: the initial plunge is the hardest bit. That’s when you feel so uncertain about your look. But gradually, when your style becomes a part of you, confidence is no longer an issue.
Another thing I’d like to add: being confident isn’t just about outer stuff like brightly coloured hair or fun outfits. It’s also about being able to state your views without apology, supporting something if you know it’s right, & being open to “newness.”Gala – what a fantastic post. I’ve never read anything that got right to the guts of confidence, or lack there of, like your post does. You’re so right, society rewards conformity big time and most of us buy in at least for a while. I really admire those that break out early. I wasn’t one of those but I was never mainstream. The saddest thing I hear are seniors who are still worrying what others will think about what they’re wearing or what they do or whatever. The best thing we can do for ourselves and the world is be ourselves.
Thanks for the beautiful reminder.
Safe travels
I’m so glad you finally put this up! I’m confident that I can’t let anyone hurt me now. But then again.. No one’s trying today.
Tomorrow they will, and I won’t take it!
Love you Gala!
Thank you again Gala! This article is so true, it cheers me up :) I’ve always thought too much about how people can judge me for my looks, but I think I’m changing (you have been a great inspiration C:). Just little stuff I’m doing right now tells me how I’m changing, like when two days ago I went shopping with my mom and sister; I bought this big crazy and shiny plastic heart pendant…it made me SO HAPPY! I put it on, and for the rest of the day I felt glorious…my bf found it funny at first, but I was so happy with it he ended loving it too (and playing with it) :P
Love ya girl :>
Oh Gala I do adore you my gorgeous! But I get too scared to be like my role-model I feel like I am not good enough to be her or I’l mess it up. Or maybe its coz shes an actual fictional nutjob and most of what she does is wack in normal situations! Also I try to do EFT, but it never works, I tap and I say even though…I deeply and completly love and accept and forgive myself in my head over and over… But it never works! =/ Hmm…
=) Cool post, I shall be using that zipper thing when I move schools next week! Thankyou Gala!
How cool that you write about this today, when I spent a zillion pages in my journal discussing it with myself, last night! You have of coursed phrased it in a much more graceful way that I have – my statement to myself was more like ‘I will love myself. The way I’m leading my life right now leads me to look like a twelve-year-old male farmhand with breast implants, but that’s okay because I am strong and will be happy. If anyone else has a problem with the choices I make, they can suck my nonexistent penis dry.’
I love you and your words and your life that you tell us about! Yaaaaaaaaay I’m also bad at at commenting but whatev. Have a lovely day Miss Gala.
Amen, sister. I too was mocked and jeered at by those people who sat at the back of the bus in high school.
And even though it was a dreadful ordeal at the time, I never comprimised the way I looked, acted, nor my musical tastes, etc.
Even while working as a teacher I was “warned” by other individuals that I “took the hard road” by not compromising my teaching style, vision, etc.
But just look where “being an individual” got me; working at a fabulous company in Manhattan, doing intelligent and challenging work for a not-for-profit organization I love, traveling, and being appreciated at work!
Thanks so much for posting this! It’s so very true!! I love the part about thinking ‘what would….do?’ Very cool. You are the best! I’m gonna save this and look at it whenever i need a boost!
Awesome Gala!
Being a little left of centre (or a lot in my case. hehe) is hard work!
I have a male coworker who tells me that I’m ‘strange’ and he doesn’t understand why I ‘like weird things’... I usually tell him that ‘Being normal is boring, and I have never been bored!’...
Last week I noticed he’d drawn what he termed the ‘Office Cool-Meter’ and lo and behold… I was at the top!
Being yourself is the best thing you can do!
P
x
i agree. a hundred percent. for me, being weird is an achievement. nobody gets to be called weird everyday! everybody work their butts off to become normal. eh, normal for me is too boring. I’m a little bit of an ADD person.
being weird is like = hey you stand out of the crowd!! you’re not faceless!
and people will actually remember you..
God bless you!=)
gala, this totally helps me out. im in high school and as you know the kids can be so cruel. there was this girl who came in to our class with Leopard spotted skinnys and green hair sticking up all over the place. and of corse the was the mean bitchy girl and her whole group who snickered and asked her if she lost a bet or something. the best thing about this girl was it didnt seem to bother her at all, in fact, i think i wanted to sucker punch the mean girl more than she did! this just told me what a horrible person the other girl must be (as if i didnt know that) but it made me feel so good to see that this girl just didnt care that the other was such a bitch. at least the leopard pants will be remembered in a year, unlike little miss hollister.
sorry to be ranting about this, it doesnt have too much to do with the article, i just thought it was a very good display of confidence
Wow, thanks for posting this! You’ve given me something to think about :) I’m inspired :D