How To Cope With A Quarter-Life Crisis (Part Two)
[ 21 September 2008 ]
The other day I started talking about the quarter-life crisis phenomenon, & how I believed it could be boiled down to two essential elements. To me, it’s quite clear that there are major differences between the people who experience quarter- or mid-life crises & those who don’t.
Believe me, I did my research! For the last couple of weeks I have been asking my friends whether they’d ever had a mid- or quarter-life crisis, or if anyone they knew had. I also asked them where they thought the root of the crisis came from. Their answers were very illuminating, & really helped me put this article together.
The group of people who seem to go through life without suffering the crushing blow of a quarter- or mid-life crisis seem to have two things going for them. The first thing is meaningful work. They’re in a career where they feel fulfilled creatively, they’re happy with their contribution & they are adequately challenged (or can challenge themselves more whenever they want to).
The second thing they seem to have sorted out are satisfying relationships.
Now, before you start freaking out because you’ve never managed to commit to a lover for more than 2 weeks at a time, let me tell you that I’m not really talking about intimate sexual relationships. Those come & go, & while they can be delightful & a lot of fun, being in a long-term stable monogamous relationship is not compulsory to have a happy life. What I’m really referring to, when I talk about satisfying relationships, are the relationships you have with the people around you, but it also covers the kinds of people you attract into your life, & how they impact & affect you.
Like it or not, everyone that we are involved with — from your manager to your girlfriend to your best friend — influences & affects you in some way. Even if you think you are a one-man island, completely impervious to the whims of anyone else, you are mistaken! We are all impacted upon by the people around us. For example, have you ever worn a certain pair of shoes because a guy you like told you they looked good on you? Or avoided talking about politics because you disagree with the person next to you & you don’t want to make a scene? Or you spent way more than you could afford at a bar because you wanted to be able to “keep up” with the people you were with? Yeah, I thought so! You’re no island!
It’s okay, though. That makes you human — bonus! — & normal. This is nothing ground-breaking, of course, but being aware of this fact can help bring your attention to the sort of people you surround yourself with, & the ways that you alter yourself around them.
Interpersonal relationships can be a lot more complicated than finding meaningful work, though, because it’s not just about you, it’s about the people around you. This means we’re not always in complete control, because for everything we do, the way that someone else responds is entirely up to them.
If you have a fantastic career but your lover or friends or family don’t support it or encourage you, that can put you in a very difficult position. It’s almost impossible to advance yourself or your work if someone who is important to you is jealous, feels left out, doesn’t understand or is otherwise conflicted about who you are & what you do.
Another one of the reasons why having strong personal relationships can help you avoid a quarter-life crisis is because it’s important to feel like we have people who can support us regardless of what we’re going through. Even if our friends haven’t necessarily experienced the things we have, they still have insights & opinions which are valuable & useful. As great as it is to be self-sufficient, having someone else to bounce ideas off is immensely useful, especially when you’re not totally sure what to do in a given situation.
Of course, if you can’t make friends or your friendships are difficult at best, you might find that the people you’ve chosen to involve in your life aren’t always around when you need them. Or they’re around, but not interested in helping you. Or you realise that you don’t feel any better after you’ve spoken to them.
So, how can you make your interpersonal relationships more satisfying?
(A lot of these tips could just be filed under “How To Be A People Person”, but really this is about how to strengthen & maintain your relationships.)
Assess your friends
A lot of us have certain friends because they are convenient or it’s just such an old friendship that we don’t really think about it much. Sometimes it is worth considering whether being friends with this or that person is in your best interests. What about the old school friend who, despite best intentions, is kind of depressing to be around? Or that relative of yours who always pinches your sides & tells you to join them for a run in the morning?
The basis of a friendship shouldn’t be as simple as just not-wanting-to-kill-one-another — it should be mutually beneficial & fun. My usual barometer is to ask myself whether I feel good or bad after I’ve seen someone. If I feel kind of sad or stressed or anything else negative, I ask myself whether that’s how I usually feel after I’ve seen them, or if it was a one-off kind of occasion. I usually move away from friendships with people who continually make me feel exhausted or unhappy or something similar. If, on the other hand, seeing my friends makes me feel happy & elated & excited, I know I’m onto a good thing which is worth continuing with.
Honestly, life is too short to spend time with people who don’t really push your buttons. If you don’t really like your friends that much, why waste all that energy on people who aren’t worth it? You might as well spend your time alone — at least you’ll learn to get comfortable with your own company!
Avoid drama
Oh yes, drama. Drama, gossip & turmoil — the opiate of the oppressed (thanks, Erica). It’s what you get hooked on when there’s nothing real going on in your life. (Don’t sweat it, ‘cause we’ve all been there, & I don’t think anyone is entirely immune — but there is a better way to live, I promise.)
So, have you ever noticed that some people just attract drama? They suck it in, it’s drawn to them, it sticks to them like eyelash glue & follows them around like a guy in a bar with a popped collar. They have one problem after another. There is always some Major Agonising Situation which requires some kind of enormous emotional investment. These people can be interesting at first, but soon the whole thing becomes tired & frustrating, aggravating & irritating. Sometimes they squeal things like, “Why does this always happen to me?!”, but behind the scenes they’re delighting in the attention & adrenaline. Believe me when I say that their drama magnetism is not a coincidence. It just isn’t. They have it because they want it, whether they realise it consciously or not.
I used to work with a girl who lurched from one crisis to another. She could never pay her rent, she had problems with her boyfriend, she was arguing with her mother, she slept with some guy who sent her abusive text messages, she was in some kind of conflict with her best friend, & the list went on. I mean, it was constant. She loved it, because it gave her something to talk about, but she was one of the world’s least pleasant people to be around, even though her personality was mostly pretty cool.
A lot of people get confused & think that in order for their life — or for them — to be interesting, they have to be surrounded by conflict & drama. Not true! Drama isn’t interesting, it’s tiresome & old. Isn’t it better to have a life that invigorates & excites you & is drama-free? Yes, of course!
If you have a pattern of attracting dramatic people, think about that & figure out where it comes from. I can’t tell you the exact reason for that, because it’s different for everyone, but it might be that you like to live vicariously through them. If so, resolve to make your own life more interesting. You don’t need to be a spectator to someone else’s life.
My advice if you have dramatic friends? Just don’t go there. You are worth so much more than that. The energy you’re using up thinking about their problems & their crap is energy you could otherwise devote to yourself, & to making yourself happy. Don’t dignify their behaviour with any kind of response, because it just gives them more fuel (& drama to add to the pot!). Don’t get tangled up in their stuff — just dust yourself off & continue on your own journey.
This is easier said than done, because sometimes extracting yourself from a relationship with a drama magnet can be somewhat akin to getting out of an abusive relationship. It can be really difficult, especially if you still care about the person & feel like you should be around to help them get out of whatever new mess they’re in. But you know what? Their stuff is their stuff, & not your problem. You’re not the white knight, & behaving like one doesn’t help them — in fact, it makes them worse. Regardless, sometimes, making positive change is hard. Sometimes, it is difficult & tricky to improve your own situation. But it is always, always worth it. Stop selling yourself short, & make it happen.
Make the effort
Of course, the crucial thing to keep in mind when you make a great friend is that you have to make an effort to keep the friendship going! This can be tricky, especially with the world being the small place it is today. Many of my closest friends live far away from me, & I might not see them before a year is up. But at the same time, making an effort doesn’t have to be an ordeal. Even keeping in touch on Facebook or via cute short emails is better than nothing. It lets the other person know you’re alive & thinking of them, which is so valuable.
Now, you may note that the heading says “make the effort”, not “make the effort when you have nothing better to do”. This includes when you are head-over-heels in love with someone new & your friends slide into lower priority! Oh, I see you blushing in the back! You can’t escape my wily gaze!
I mean, hey, it happens. If your friends are good people, they’ll understand & either bug you to hang out or just wait for you to come back to your senses! But remember them! They will probably still be around when John (or Jane) Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt gets on his (or her) horse & rides off into the sunset… !
Be assertive
I’ve written fairly extensively about How To Be Assertive before, so I won’t rehash what I’ve already said, but being assertive is really important.
What does it mean to be assertive? Here’s a quick summary. It means telling people what you want & what you need. It’s about being strong enough that people won’t take advantage of you or manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do. It means communicating clearly & honestly, not playing games & not bottling everything up until the point where you explode.
Acting assertively can seem counter-intuitive or uncomfortable at first, especially to people who have been taught to always consider everyone else before themselves, but altering your behaviour in this way will be of major benefit to you.
People who don’t behave assertively — that is to say that they behave in an aggressive, passive or passive-aggressive manner — send out confusing signals to the people around them, which can make maintaining relationships difficult. Passive people feel like they’re constantly being taken advantage of, aggressive people wonder why no one wants to get close, & passive-aggressive people are unpredictable & kind of scary! If the same things keep happening to you over & over, it’s time to change your behaviour. Stop acting like a bozo, & take control of your life & your emotions!
Treat people with respect
Okay, so if you’re not associating with people who like to stir up chaos everywhere they go, your friends are probably pretty cool. Well done you! If you have friends who are good to you & fun to be around, be sure to treat them well!
This means return their phonecalls, treat them to dinner once in a while, don’t constantly bail on seeing them & let them know that you appreciate them! Don’t just show up at their house unannounced, be sure to share good times (as opposed to just calling when you have some kind of problem), look after their belongings & don’t tell them their dress looks good on them if it doesn’t! Be good, be genuine, be a friend worth having, & you’ll be respected in return.
“Love one another & you will be happy. It’s as simple & as difficult as that.” — Michael Leunig
As for me, I think I had my quarter-life crisis — or at least some general kind of existential crisis — from about age 19 to 22 or 23. It lasted for quite a long time, & I was really miserable. I also thought I was the only person who had ever gone through something like it, which made me feel even worse. I was constantly switching jobs, trying to find something I liked — though of course, because I kept doing the same thing (jumping between very similar roles), it never made me any happier. The unhappiness just moved location. I loathed working in offices, & it seemed like I was the only person who had trouble with it. I constantly wondered, ‘What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just do this & get over it & enjoy myself?’ So my lack of meaningful work was a major factor — it really messed me up, because I felt like I was a creative person squandering my life, but didn’t know what I could possibly do to remove myself from the situation. I was convinced that no one ever made any money as a writer, so I should just forget about it.
I didn’t really have any strong friendships at the time, either. I had friends, sure, but our interactions were mostly limited to seeing one another when we were drinking on the weekend. “Real” conversations were hard to come by. They were also in similar situations to me — aka disliking their jobs — but instead of battling it like I was, they seemed resigned to their fate. This made me feel even more lost & adrift. Thankfully, at some point I learned about EFT & started using it regularly. That was what really turned my life around, & I credit it with pretty much everything I’ve achieved up to this point.
Like Annie Spandex said in the comments on the first part of this article, an existential crisis can happen at any time, & is quite normal. We all have moments of panic about who we are, where we’re going & what we’re doing. The reason why quarter- & mid-life crises exist is because these are commonly the times where we are under the most stress (quarter) or doing the most self-evaluation (mid). When you’ve just come out of school & are entering the workforce for the first time, it’s incredibly easy to be over- or even underwhelmed by “real life”! Especially when you’re still working out who you are & what you want to do with yourself. The mid-life crisis seems to be mostly brought on by looking at your life & what you’ve achieved so far, & feeling like you’ve come up short.
One of the best ways to avoid feeling like this in the first place is to live consciously. That means don’t just coast along, going about your day-to-day with little thought as to how happy you are. Question your routine. Think about your patterns, & decide to alter them if you realise they’re not working. Try new things. Learn to enjoy every moment. Don’t just get complacent & fall into a routine which doesn’t serve you, because that’s a sure route to sadness/misery/a crisis of some kind!
It’s also important to avoid comparing yourself to other people. I know that it’s a lot easier to say that than do it, but really, no good will ever come from trying to measure yourself against your friends, idols or competition. There are always going to be areas where you are better than them (of course, because you’re fabulous!), but there will also be things they are better at than you. That’s just how life is. Life isn’t a competition, even though society would like to have us think it is. (It helps them sell us stuff we don’t need, among other things.) Just be yourself. Enjoy your time on the planet. Do what pleases you. Boiled down to its most basic elements, the whole thing seems juvenile in its simplicity.
This is not to say that if you avoid an existential crisis your life will be perfect. No one’s really is, we all have our own unique challenges. But just be good to yourself. Find something you love & devote yourself to it. Make some friends who make you smile & inspire you to be a better person, & avoid those who stress you out. Don’t work yourself so hard you get an ulcer — even if you love what you do — because your well-being is more important than that. Love lots of people. Take time off, lie down & do nothing at all. Be generous & free with compliments. Feed your spirit with beautiful things. Love yourself.
Super-love & cupcakes,
Gala
Tags: how to,
inspiration,
life,
productivity Share this! + Email This + Del.icio.us
+ Facebook
+ Stumbleupon
+ Technorati
Comment
Read more tagged how to...
How To Cope With A Quarter-Life Crisis I Want To Be... A Fashion Designer! I Want To Be... An Illustrator! I Want To Be... A Cupcake Queen! When SSM Strikes! I Want To Be... A Tattoo Artist! First Date Etiquette Oh My God, I Think I'm Ready To Date Again...
Read more tagged inspiration...
How To Cope With A Quarter-Life Crisis The Virgo Birthday Extravaganza: Report! I Want To Be... A Fashion Designer! Things I Love Thursday Betsey Johnson at Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Nicole Miller & Erin Fetherston at Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week I Want To Be... An Illustrator! Things I Love Thursday
Read more tagged life...
How To Cope With A Quarter-Life Crisis The Virgo Birthday Extravaganza: Report! I Want To Be... A Fashion Designer! The Virgo Birthday Extravaganza! I Want To Be... An Illustrator! Dame Darcy's Gasoline I Want To Be... A Cupcake Queen! When SSM Strikes!
Read more tagged productivity...
How To Cope With A Quarter-Life Crisis When SSM Strikes! 10 Ways To Snap Yourself Out Of A Slump How To Ace A Job Interview How To Be A Leader How To Have The Best Holiday Ever iCiNG Transformation Challenge -- How'd You Do? Weekly Resolutions
These articles are perfectly timed for me and my man, thank you! xoxo
hi gaia!
i been reading your site for a while and i absolutely love it. :) but i had a question about the “assess your friends” part in this article. hmmm… i don’t know how to phrase my question except straight-forwardly so i’ll do just that. is it fair to judge your friends according to how interesting or funny you find them? i’m pretty sure that’s not what you meant but i was hoping you could expand on that point more. i know i’m definitely not charming and funny 100% of the time, and i don’t feel comfortable demanding the same out of people. can you explain that point more? thanks!
This was such a good article (part 1 & part 2)! What’s wonderful about it is that the advice given applies to all existential crisises, not just the quarter- and midlife ones. There’s something in it for everyone, I think.
Thanks so much! It was fabulous and exactly what I needed right now!
i’m 30 and i’m having my “quarter-life crisis” by now. it’s a big changing time for me and i feel exactely the way you’ve written about in the first part. thank you for these articles, they come at the perfect moment… :.)!
whutupcakes — No, it’s not about how interesting or funny they are. It’s about how they make you feel: good or bad. You can spend an evening just watching a movie with someone & feel really happy at the end of it, & on the other hand you can hang out with the world’s most interesting/fun person & feel awful by the time you go home!
That’s an amazing article. It’s really simple but it is so right. I wish back in the day there was someone who’d tell me that but on the other hand i am grateful that i’ve stuggled it all by myself and now i know that i am priceless and fabulous, yes!
Surely some questions still pop-up here and there but those are just tricky challenges i will overcome with grace.
Thanks for the article though! It gives me even more strength to move on with my life! Great read!)
Hi Gala!
I’ve been reading your site for a few months now, and I just wanted to say thanks and tell you how awesome you are. I’m awesome, too (we all are, right?) but it’s easy to forget – you definitely inspire me and the rest of this community to be our best. Thank you for what you do! I’m in a quarter life crisis right now, graduated with a science degree right around the time my creative brain was waking up. I’ve been working a temporary day job for the past year, trying to figure out how to make my dreams come true. Reading this site has really helped motivate me, and now I’m on my way! Look out for me on the internet in the future, I’m coming up!
Thanks for everything girly, and keep it up!
~Sayward (http://www.portlandraindogs.com)
Gala,
Thank you so much for this series. Keep up the awesome work! =)
you are amazing, gala. seriously… it is so bizarre how everytime i seem to be experiencing something, a day later you’re writing about it. i’ve been a loyal reader of your blog since your very first entry, and it is just wonderful to see the changes you and icing have gone through, and it makes me so happy as an aspiring writer/whatever to see how successful it has become. anyways, i just wanted to let you know this article is JUST what i needed right now, as always. thank you, NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVERRRRRR stop being you. muah.
You did a fabulous job on this series (and no, I’m not saying that because I’m sharing a hotel room with you!!)
Like you, my quarter-life crisis lasted for quite a long time (from 21 to 24) and was partially due to working an office job during breaks from collage, which was beyond hard. I’ve always been a creative person and sitting in a depressing accounting department with grumpy old women and going to school for business was painful.
Though, I think that figuring out an overall goal of what you want out of life and working towards that goal a tiny bit each day will help you reach the ideal life that you’ve always wanted.
I now love my life, but it didn’t happen overnight; most of the positive changes can be attributed to hard work, focus, and a crazy drive to be successful on my own terms!
Thanks for constantly inspiring me. That Virgo drive is undeniable!
lovely articles Gala! I completely agree on everything you say: I’m approaching my quarter-life turning point and I really think that the ‘items’ on which I’ll measure my progress as a person so far will be how happy I am with I do every day (i.e. my job and passions) and with my personal relationships. They’re probably the hardest things to achieve in life, and they’re far from perfect in my case, but even having the feeling of being on the ‘right track’ with those will make me feel I haven’t wasted my first life quarter:)Thanks Gala!!
I have a question about the drama thing. I am one of those people who tends to gossip about people (or even talk about them in a positive light) but my conversations always seem to revolve what I think of someone. Even with my friends who aren’t drama queens. I’ve tried to not do that but I can’t think of what to talk about and we end up sitting in silence when we see each other. What is a good topic that isn’t clinically boring? (NO WEATHER!).
Hey Gala
I have really enjoyed this series, these articles are right up there with my favourites! I love the way you give such great advice, it always gives me something positive to think about.
Thank you!
To Kati:
A topic that isn’t boring? My friends and I talk about movies, TV, music, politics, school, our jobs, our home lives, what’s going on in the world… you can have a dramatic conversation without drama. What are YOU passionate in? I’m sure you could have an interesting conversation on a topic you love!
Hope that helps. :)
thank you so much for these articles, gala – i’m moving to london in three days (um, EEK!) to go to art school and this has really made me think about the kind of person i want to put myself across as, and also made me remember how important it is to keep in touch with the people back home. viva la gala! xxx
also, to kati – how about “hey, so i was reading this really interesting two-part article on a blog the other day…yeah, she’s called gala darling…and what it was about was…” ;)
This is so wonderful! Excellent work, Mlle Darling. I was just thinking about this this morning, the way I was when I was younger, looking for external validation and approval, being competitive, and how I changed my life so that I felt so secure and fulfilled in myself that I wasn’t constantly seeking appreciation from everyone else (though getting it is still nice!). Quarter/mid-life crisis or not, your words are wisdom for the ages.
Will there be a part 3 ? Please do say yes !
Thanks Kristen and Sophie (:. I think the problem is, as Gala says, is getting stuck in a pattern and you’re not sure how to shake it up and change it. I’m seeing one of the friends that I talk about other people with most tomorrow and I’m going to try super hard to not talk about anyone.
I read your blog semi-religiously. I’m 22 years old and just moved two states away from my family for grad school and I have been having the hardest time living with my boyfriend, making this move, struggling with finances,.. etc etc. A friend suggested reading a book called “20 something manifesto” a few weeks ago.. I’d NEVER heard of a quarter life crisis until then, and then you posted about this! I think I may skip the book since your posts have been great about this. But.. I just wanted to say thanks for writing about it. I love all your posts.. they’re always interesting and useful.
maryjenn — Thanks, cutie!
Sayward — Good on you for wanting to make a change & not just resigning yourself to using your science degree! I wish you all the best, I know you’ll pull through!
teeny p — Awwww! I’ll do my best! ;>
eternalvoyageur — I don’t know if there is a part 3! As far as I can tell, relationships & work are the major things that cause a crisis… If you have any ideas though, let me know!
Kati — You might have better luck if you actually bring it to their attention. “Hey, have you noticed we only ever talk about other people?” See what they say, start a dialogue. Straight away you’re already talking about something else ;> Good luck & kudos for wanting to make a change!
mermaidfoot has tampered with every aspect of my lifeeeeee.
Such a great post, darling Gala. It took me a reeeeaaally long time to realize I needed to drop the drama from my life, though I’ve still got a few dramatic characters around out of necessity – like my flatmate who shrieks about some catastrophic crap on a daily basis with a total victim mentality, eek, but what can you do? I can’t move out for a few months so am distancing myself as much as possible…so not ideal, but I know it’s temporary and Not My Problem. Luckily, it’s kind of a learning curve for me on how to be assertive (I even found myself mustering up a “Please don’t use that tone with me” the other day).
Interpersonal relationships are really important, you’re right. I used to be a bit of a cynical loner when I was younger, but for me it’s been about the confidence to be myself and stop trying to impress people: a bigger challenge when alone in a new city, but also kind of easier as I don’t have old friends around to encourage old habits. I’m much happier, and am finding like-minded friends are popping up all over the place.
Again, excellent post. You’re a very wise lady!
x
amazing Gala great advice!...EFT totally love it…connection. when’s the next NYC meetup?
This article has come at the best time.. I think I’ve been having my quarter life crisis for a few years now, and I’m just beginning to see the end of it which is cool.
I think your analysis of the aspects of it is totally spot on.
You rule gala!
A really great post, Gala. I am going through an extremely difficult time in my life right now and I was experiencing a lot of the things mentioned in each section. I am about to turn 21 and feel as if my quarter-life crisis is occurring. Just family situations, school, career, and relationships. I really have no idea what to do to keep myself distracted or occupied, although I don’t know if that’s the best idea.
Katherine — Distraction is never the best way forward, because it doesn’t change anything, it just delays the inevitable. The best strategy is to take action & change the things you’re unhappy with!
I’ve managed to make a couple of my friends “Gala-converts” with these two articles! You are amazing and inspiring and you’ve helped me to make my life better, so thank you xxx
I love you for linking to a Red Meat comic… Bug Eyed Earl is the best.
I love that you are this gorgeous, pink haired, lively wonderful person with taste in gritty, wonderfully effed up subculture stuff!
Great article, by the way. Er, duh!
I AM AWESOME!
Thank you very much ;).
Hi Gala,
this is a really great article, but i have a question:
what if you have a close friend who genuinely seems to have alot of problems which they constantly complain to and confide in you about. What if you want to be a good friend and help them out and be there for them, but doing so really drains your energy, taking up alot of your time. How can you be there for them without becoming their 24/7 therapist?
Thanks for any insight!!
Fantastic series Gala, and even as a mid-lifer I got a lot out of that :) What is true at 25 about relationships, work and life is also true when you are at 42 :)
Well done. You’re such a wise old soul for 25 :)
Something I’m learning is to keep developing yourself: learning about personal development – none of it goes amiss, spirituality (I’m just indulging in that at the moment and it’s fascinating), and other skills you can collect! Life is a journey, that’s for real.
My quarter life crisis started when I graduated college and i think is going to last until mid life. LOL Thankyou for this article I’m desperately seeking a way to deal with all these issues. Relationships are my biggest problem I’m HORRIBLE at making friends and not that great at keeping them. No matter how many articles I read on friendship and conversation I still seem to lack that certain something that makes people feel great to be around me!
Thanks so much for this!! This is just what I need!! I just turned 22 (on 9/17!!) and I’m not exactly going through a crisis, but I feel as though I need to enrich my life. Thanks!!
Word, Gala. So, so well-stated.
As a 100% Virgo, I found that compulsive list-making and goal setting really helped get me through my QTC. Lists of fantasy jobs, lists of delicious trinkets that would fill my dream house, lists of personality traits possessed by my new best friends … and then I started to make baby steps towards making those things happen. Lists and baby steps aren’t intimidating, right?
I think it also helped me to kind of commit to a ‘non-traditional adulthood.’ I made peace with taking a path that was pretty unusual for your average small-town, Midwestern girl … I knew that it wouldn’t result in lots of money or a corner office and that it might mean putting off other ‘important’ life milestones like marriage and babies. But I also knew that I’d rather have adventures now rather than regrets later.
“Oh, I see you blushing in the back! You can’t escape my wily gaze!”
Hahaha. Funny girl.
When this happens to one of my good girlfriends, I just remind myself that 1) I have done that before and 2) Who is my friend going to spend the rest of her life with? Her husband or her friends?
This article is really relevant to my life right now, so thanks. I’m not sure WHAT it is I’m going through, but any advice helps. Preciate cha!
Thank-you for such an intelligent, kind and loving article, Gala – I can completely relate and can completely agree with every word that you’ve said! I personally had my crisis last year. I was beyond miserable, working in a completely soul-crushing, horrible job – I was extremely depressed, and after always being so incredibly passionate, it felt very unnatural to be working in an environment that made me constantly feel as though I wanted to hurl myself out of the nearest window! ‘‘That’s life’‘, people would tell me. ‘‘EVERYONE hates their jobs’‘, they would insist. I couldn’t accept that this was true – especially after previously holding jobs in which I was ridiculously enthusiastic, inspired and fulfilled by. Before long, I just couldn’t take it anymore – and while I was very, very scared at the prospect of leaving my job (where would I go, what would I do?!), I was more terrified by the idea of looking back on my life and feeling filled with regrets about not taking action sooner! At first, it was hard, and my decision attracted quite a large amount of criticism, but I have never looked back. It was the best decision I have ever made, and is testament to the fact that if you believe in yourself, you really can achieve anything. Thank-you, Gala. xoxo
Thank-you thank-you thank-you! So I’m not the only one! Awesome words, thanks so much :-)
I went through a few things in the past 10 months or so and one of them included the quarter-life crisis. i was 19 and during the past months i’ve been learning all those things you’ve mentioned gala. i’ve learnt the importance of living for myself and not living for others. also not comparing yourself to others is a very important thing, because if you end up ‘beating’ a person you’ve been comparing to, there’s always another person you’ll be comparing to afterwards.
Gala, your blog is such a treat. Thank you!
I went ahead and dumped a whole heap of toxic friends in this last year – drama friends, drug-taking friends, energy sucking psychic vampire friends – and I found myself concentrating on me a lot more, which has worked out well. I now have much more direction in life and although there are some hiccups (like falling pregnant!) I liking this way a lot better.
The only problem I have is with my relationships – I can’t seem to find nice, decent friends. Everyone I meet tends to fall into the three categories mentioned above and I find myself spending more and more time online and with my mum.
Luckily I am moving to Melbourne next year and that will open up a whole heap of opportunities for me. This article is so helpful in reminding myself that while I may be a little lonely at the moment, it will change and I’m better off waiting for real, lasting friends than just sticking with what I had (which was slowly killing me!)
Thank you :)
I appreciate this article, but I wish it was as simple as that. I don’t think you can boil down something as complicated as an existential crisis into two elements. Those two elements come into play at different times in our lives, not just our mid twenties. It might be more it’s in our mid twenties when we become aware of things that don’t suit us in our lives, as you said, but there are other essential factors.
I definitely consider my work meaningful; I work for an ethical, vegan co operative grocery store. it fits in with my morals exactly, although it’s true it’s not what I want to do with the rest of my life, I am (taking a year off) in the middle of a degree which is what I do want to do. My relationships are definitely fufilling, my female friends and I communicate openly and honestly about any thing we are going through and they are very supportive and inspiring. I am definitely way beyond getting involved in drama yadda yadda yadda. My boyfriend is also very supportive, loving, and inspiring. And yet I am still going through a quarter life crisis.
Things like avoid comparing yourself to other people and life is not a race are yes, juvenile in their simplicity, if easier in theory than in practice, definitely something to keep in mind.
The quarter life crisis can be a good thing too. It’s complicated like that. We’re mature enough to know ourselves, know what we want, how to get it, and to regard our lives/friends/work objectively. We are more confident in ourselves.. finally we know what we want and who we are, and turning 25 is like a big adrenalin rush that sort of pushes us into putting the pedal to the metal! It’s a good feeling, even if it is complicated by a sudden desire to wear mini skirts all the time cos who knows who much longer we’ll have sexy thighs.
xx
xx
Gala,
I don’t know if you understand just how far beyond your years you are. I don’t know where you come up with this stuff [but it is clear that messages of wisdom from aliens are involved], but this article is amazing.
thank you sincerely.
-van
Great post Gala. I agree with all you’ve written & have been consciously trying to live like this for a while now.. being aware of me, what i’m doing, how i’m doing things & behaving, who i’m happiest with, who i make happy back & how I make them happy… I love your last paragraph, the last few sentences are just soooo… spot on… Feed your soul with genuinely good things, people & love..& the light will shine from the inside out.
It’s so interesting that you decided to write these articles now, when only a few days ago I finally addressed that I have a problem in my life—that I was depressed and anxious and very unhappy.
The day before you wrote this, I decided that I needed to go through a transformation. I wrote down everything that was making me feel unhappy right now and tried to brainstorm ways to fix that.
Your article however addressed some solutions that I never thought of, so I am very thankful.
Marvelously put, and all so true. Drama tremendous appeal at times, and it can take ages to see how much energy it sucks up, and how detrimental relationships with drama magnets can be. But you’re completely right: Extracting yourself is vital. Hard, but vital.
And thanks for the reminder to be good to ourselves. We all forget to, daily. And it’s really the key to serenity.
Awwww wow, SUCH a lovely post. I’m feeling like I can take on the world now. Seriously, you’ve given me a buzz!
This part made me laugh, too – “follows them around like a guy in a bar with a popped collar” lol.
I was going to write “don’t compare yourself to other people” but you beat me to it. I think it’s important to realise other peoples’ lives can easily look happy and shiny from the outside, but everyone has something going on behind the scenes!
Ah, you and your timing. This article came just when I needed it.
I decided to take a year’s break from university to think about what I really want to do [art/writing/anthropology/photography/theoretical physics!!?] and right now I’m working a dull retail job to make some money. I’m 21 and I feel like I haven’t done a thing, squandering my creativity and so forth. It has really been getting me down, and affecting my relationships negatively. Although, I must say that it’s hard to feel all alone in crisis-land with all these readers commenting about the same thing!
Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the quarter-life inspiration. You are fabulous. [I think I’m going to try EFT too.] Keep it up!
wow Gala! this is an amazing article… im 20 and last year i had a sorta of existencial crisis, basically because i didnt feel like i belonged somewhere, people in my school have diferent interests as me, i love what im studing (marine biology) but the people there have diferent interests… i really felt like an strange, because im not into partying or drinking my ass off so i keep getting depressed and thats when i decided to go to a psychologist. It helped me alot, i learn amazing stuff about myself.
Also the thing you said about negative friends is sooo truee!! i had a friend and trust me! i loved that girl, but se was into heavy drinking and everytime we went out i have to take care of her and it was so hard, she had booze problems. Now i understand that theres no reason to be with negative people and waste your energy.
Even though my psychologist told me there’s no reason to get tattoos in order to remind you things, i have 2 pieces that remind me that life is so short to feel blue and waste it. it works, at least for me, and also one thing that i learn is that pink hair is an antidepressing thing for me (i dont have pink hair, but i have to admit that having pink in my hair always made me smile :P).
Gala, thanks for writting this article!
I’ve really enjoyed this and the first installment addressing Quarter (Any?)-Life Crises. I’m reaching that getting-out-into-the-world threshold, and I’m facing new and unexpected challenges every day! I have the best parents, the best friend, and the VERY best significant other I could ask for, but I STILL feel a quarter-life crisis coming on (I guess it doesn’t help that I’m naturally a bundle of nerves and worry!)
These couple of articles have already helped give me perspective, and I’m sure I’ll be re-reading them!
Hi Gala!
thanks so much for this. i to think i’ve been going through a QLC for some time now, ever since i realised that animation wasn’t for me when i was 18 and didn’t know what was for me. theres so many things i want to do but i’m scared or was scared that time was running out before i can acheive greatness. now i know thats not the case.
i’m definatly going to try and apply some changes in my life. i’ve started to but i’m gunna make sure i do the full monty coz i know it will benefit me more. i’m tired of not enjoying my life like i know i should.
you and your site are a great inspiration for me. your doing something that you love and your doing it in style and thats all i want to acheive and i hope to one day :)
thank you!
Excellent and fabulous!
Thank you so much for this! Part 2 was really something I was needing! And it completely resonates with y current situation.
Thank yo for being such an inspiration muse to us all!
These two articles are the best I’ve read in a long time. End of story. Thank you for making me wake up and smell the roses!
Hey Gala, just wanted to say, as a guy, how much I enjoy your site (I get links here all the time from a girl friend). Like your other readers, I’m guessing, I find you have a knack for nailing in on whatever’s going for me at that time. I wish there was a guy writing stuff like this for guys, but I don’t really mind the pink and flowers ;-) Anyway, thanks again.
thank you Gala. This article has made me feel like I am not alone and given me some ideas and inspiration on how to live. xx
Love these articles Gala!
An amazing read!
Thank you Gala, you are amazing. :)
That doing something meaningful IS a big kicker for the QLC.
Great post!
Hi Gala.
I am so grateful for this article. Thank you so much for it. I am not sure if I have had a quarter life crisis, but from the ages of 17 to 21, I was feeling pretty shitty about my life entirely. After going abroad for a semester things seemed to come into a brighter light. Then I had the entire summer off to research ob spirituality and my divinity. I am turning 22 in two days and I am so excited and happy. I feel the change in me occurring. In May I will be graduating from college and I actually know what I would like to do when I am done. I just have to believe that the universe IS conspiring in my favor to make that happen and it is! Everything is a blessing and I am so grateful to you and your website. I am working on so much with myself and my realtionships and I see nothing, but positive changes. This makes me so happy. I just really wanted to thank you and please continue what you are doing. This is helping people around the world!!!
Hey Gala!
I love your site! I’ve been lurking around for a long time, and I have to say I love it to itty bitty pieces. It is so adorable and relevant, and I have to say I am constantly surprised that you are only a few years older than me because you seem so wise and accomplished!
The reason I feel so compelled to comment on this article is because I too am going through my QLC. In fact, your piece about the relationships in your life influencing you are significant. I have recently ‘broken up’ with a number of very close friends over a variety of issues. They were people that I stuck around with because I wanted to be a good friend, and also, more selfishly, because I was (am) scared to be alone. What to do when your friends are all crazy?
How to cope with being by yourself? In some ways, I feel alot better, freer, without the dread of seeing/dealing with something I don’t need (want) to see. Without having to sacrifice my values trying to be open-minded. In the name of being a good friend, I had been letting my friends rule my life!
Part of the reason I think you are so amazing Gala, is because you march to the beat of your own drum. When did you start finding quality relationships during your QLC?
I think this is really good.
I would also like to add this, also excellent, summation:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlIAmC…
Gala,
This was the first time ever reading your Blog and I’m pretty sure my life will be changing a little bit because of it. I’m pretty much smack dab in the middle of a quarter life crisis as we speak, but all this time I just thought I had depression or some kind of oncoming mental problem. I can’t even begin to explain how hopeful I am now, knowing that this will pass and that I’m not the only one with these feelings/problems. Thank you so much for being you. You’ve inspired me completely.
xox
Crystal
I think I’m having my quarter-life crisis right now… I keep bouncing around from job to job like you mentioned, debating whether or not to go back to school, and more recently just quit working entirely due to overwhelming stress and anxiety about what I want to do with myself and my future. Reading your article about this made me feel a lot better since I now realize that I’m not crazy and not the only one going through this same stress.
Thank you so much for finishing this blog- to quote you, “it really messed me up, because I felt like I was a creative person squandering my life, but didn’t know what I could possibly do to remove myself from the situation.” That is EXACTLY me right now. I can’t remember how many times i’ve said almost those exact words to people this past year. Thanks so much for your incredible inspiring words!
Hi! This was really really helpful to me. I have felt really alone the last year with my problems, and I thought “quarter-life crisis”? What a load of crap! But now I think it’s really true. I feel like I’ve been wasting my time working and studying to get a good job. Now I don’t care and I don’t want it. Life is taking a turn for me, I feel. I’ve been miserable for ages, and it’s only getting worse. So I’ve decided to stop making myself miserable and to go with whatever it is I enjoy doing. Fuck money. It’s not worth wasting my time over!